The Royal Netherlands Ministry of Culture has tentatively approved Britney Spear's first Dutch tour but they want to know what she'll be wearing before she hits the stage.
"Ve hev a very strict moral code here in Hollandt," a laid-back spokestypeperson told Utterpants. He was rather vague about what standards inspectors will use or how they might be enforced, but added that: "We vill be looking very closely into Britney Spear’s ondies."

Britney Spear's promoter, Mr Van Horn, explained the Dutch perspective to us: "Amsterdom is crawling viz slotty American bimbos in low-cut hip-huggers ont skin-tight crop-tops. "Det chick is gonna hev to get more den her tits oot to impress her Dutch fens."

'Tits' weren't the first thing on the international singing sensation's mind when we contacted her for her opinion. "Mr Van Horn wants me to masturbate on stage." squealed the prim pop tart with a becoming blush. "I was like eewww! He — like totally grossed me out. I mean, I'd have to change my whole act to do slutty stuff like that; I'd need a completely new, really skanky wardrobe."

We put this tricky, sartorial point to Mr Van Horn.
"Well, Dick—" we began
"Dirk, it's Dirk Van Horn, not Dick."
"OK, whatever. Do you really expect Britney to plunge her hand into her pants and beat kitty senseless in front of a live audience?"
"We're a leedle bit more sophisticated dan dat in Hollandt," replied the smooth-talking impresario. "Vot I had in mind vos a bit of girrl-on-girrl viz my personal assistant, Meike, to vorm op. Den mebbe Britney could lick her oot vile Rocky takes her from behind."

"Rocky?" we asked?
"Meike's pet Alsation," replied the dapper Dutchman, taking a long toke on his strange-smelling cigarette.
"And is that allowed in Holland?"
"You betcha bekside."
"We don't think Britney will agree to that," we objected.
"Four point two million dollars is a lotta money, man."
"Why four point two million?"
"Dats how much ve’re payin' Christina Aguilera to take it op de bom in Utrecht."
"Britney would have to be totally clueless to turn down that kind of money."
"Dats vot I told her."
"And what did she say?"
"She said she vonts eight million for de venkingk ont anudder two for de girrl-on-girrl, but de doggie can go fok himself with dat slut Christina."

"So — will you pay that much?"
"Ven ve kan get a better lookin' voshed-op druggie slot viz a fat ass ont plastic titties for half de monny?"
"You mean Christina Aguilera?"
"No — I vos thinking mebbe Paris Hilton vud do it for even less."
"You could be right, Dick — er, Dirk. We seem to have a surplus of washed-up slutty pop stars with fat asses and plastic titties at the moment."
"Yeah," grinned the pop promoter, "Dats vot I love about America."

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Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Pictures and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk