With tears of joy — or possibly irritation from the strange smelling cigarette hanging out of her mouth — Britney opened her heart to Utterpants this morning over a light breakfast of two hamburger patties on rye with fries, twelve Ding Dongs, six Snickers and three cokes.

"Like, I can't believe it happened so fast," squealed the pop tartlet excitedly. Mom only sent the ads out on Friday, and, like, I only did it twice with the first three guys who responded. I guess I must just be like, totally virile."
"We think you mean fertile, Britney," we replied.
"Yeah — feral."
"No, fertile," we repeated. "Feral means wild and menacing."
"Yeah? Kewl!"

"So," we asked, "Who's the lucky guy?"
"Omigosh, well, Kevin I guess.."
"Kevin's the father?" we asked.
"No, Aaron, is — or maybe Bob or Chuck, or that cute guy with the tattoo on his —"
"— And you think that makes Kevin a lucky guy?" we interrupted.
"Well — he married me, didn't he?"
"Doesn't Kevin mind that you're having another man's child?" we asked.
"Like, HELLO!?" squealed the pop tartlet defensively, "I'm not the one who cheated on his girlfriend with a skanky slut!"
"True," we admitted.

We waited while Britney tucked into a second plate of fries and asked her how she felt about being a mom.
"I'm like, so totally relieved that I'm gonna lose, like, some weight, that I haven't really thought about it much."
"What about the sex?" we asked.
"It wasn't an orgy, you know!"
"No, we meant the sex of the baby, Britney."
"Oh — sorry!" giggled the sultry seductress. "A girl."
"So — have you thought of a name for her yet?"
"Well, kinda. Kevin really likes 'Sharisse' but I think it sounds like the name of a cheap SUV. I really dug what Gwyneth Paltrow did, so I thought maybe 'Broccoli' would be, like, totally awesome. Waddya think?"
"Awesome," we replied.

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