Britney Spears Kabbalah sex rite scuppered
|California — In a surprise statement made at a Malibu shopping Mall today, Lynne Spears (57), lashed out at what she called the 'dark forces' who are manipulating her daughter — the popular pop princess, Britney Spears
Lynne Spears alleges that these 'dark forces' have turned the innocent pop princess from a sweet, carefree teenager into a sex-crazed junky fag hag with a serious weight problem. "It all started when that slut Madonna gave her that Kabbalah book," sobbed the tearful mother-of-two. Lynne's shocking revelations come hard on the heels of recent allegations that Britney has sacrificed two chickens — or possibly her pet Canadian beaver — to win the forthcoming MTV awards. Kabbalah, a charismatic cult which is sweeping America, numbers such celebrities as Madonna, Demi Moore, Roseanne Barr and Posh Spice amongst its followers. Its fanatical fans are encouraged to 'empower' themselves by 'raising the love monkey' — cult jargon for frenzied self-gratification — and the donation of huge wodges of cash to the movement's headquarters in Los Angeles.
Pausing only to wipe away a tear from the enormous cheque we handed her — Lynne went on to list a chilling catalogue of crimes Madonna has bewitched Britney into, explaining that the teen tartlet had:
Tasted the LOVE JUICES of the Olsen Twins at a celebrity party hosted by Demi Moore.
Given EXECUTIVE RELIEF to Secretary of Defence, Dick Cheney, at a drug-fueled orgy held at the President's ranch.
Lit up a cigarette in front of children in a busy shopping mall.
Indulged in casual FRENCH KISSING with dozens of celebrities, some of them men.
Laughed while she KICKED her sister, Jamie-Lynne's cat down a flight of stairs.
Faked her knee injury to be able to spend more time on her back.
Shamelessly FONDLED Madonna's LOVE BUTTON during a satanic ritual designed to steal Kevin Federline away from his fiancé, Shar Jackson.
Cast an appetite-loss spell on Mary-Kate Olsen.
Faked her ORGASMS during live performances to boost her flagging popularity.
Summoned up the GHOST of Elvis Presley and had EXPLOSIVE sex with the King.
SCREAMED out the 72 names of god while Madonna WHIPPED her ample BOOTIE with a length of wet string soaked in Red Bull.
Driven her mother's SUV over a reporter while sticking PINS in a wax effigy of arch-rival, Christina Aguilera.
Hypnotized Paris Hilton into exposing her LEFT BOOBIE on live television.
"Kabbalah is a dangerous cult," fulminated Rabbi Immanuel Sprocket, a New York-based scholar of Jewish philosophy and mysticism. "These sickos are distorting the Jewish faith by taking our sacred books and using them to summon up the emissaries of Satan."
The 22-year-old pop princess is reported to have been introduced to
the cult last year by Madonna at a party held at the bisexual megastar's
Scottish Castle. Afterwards, Ms Ciccone's director-husband, Guy Ritchie,
is said to have 'initiated' the teen tartlet in a bizarre ritual during
which Britney orgasmed thirty-seven times.
Utterpants has learned that Ms Spears had asked Efraim Rabidobitch, the cult's fifty-seven-year-old charismatic leader to bless her forthcoming marriage by the exchange of genital rings — a traditional custom among the followers of this decadent movement. But Britney Spears' plans to have an intimate body piercing session with her fiancé Kevin Federline on their wedding day have been nipped in the bud in the nick of time by her mum, Lynne.
According to an impeccable source who delivers pizzas to the teen tartlet, the junkie fag hag and her husband-to-be were planning to get pierced together on their wedding day in November. Efraim, an enthusiastic advocate of circumcision, had generously offered to attach the matching diamond studded, platinum pentagrams in exchange for being the first to kiss the blushing bride, or possibly nail her, we're not sure which, as Mr Rabidobitch's English is none too good. Britney, no stranger to having a tiny prick between her muscular thighs, is said to have jumped at the chance, only to have her hopes dashed when her mum Lynne burst into her bedroom while the Jewish prophet was trying to pierce Britney's beef curtains with a safety-pin.
Britney is said to be 'devastated' — or possibly 'deforested' — by the cancellation of the ceremony, after paying through her pretty nose for a deluxe waxing at an exclusive Malibu beauty parlour in anticipation of the ritual piercing.
The duo reportedly already have matching navel piercings, with Britney sporting a fetching miniature can of Red Bull attached to her love button and Federline having a platinum coke spoon dangling from his rather less attractive beer gut.
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