Fox News were the first US network to report the news, followed swiftly by the Sun newspaper in the UK , which splashed the headline 'Britney Spears left Love Toy in Paris Hilton' across its front page with typical British understatement.

Speculation mounted as reporters jammed phone lines, paparazzi snatched up telephoto lenses and America held it's collective breath while devastated female fans sobbed into their coffee. What Britney's 28 million male fans did is anybody's guess but shopkeepers across the US reported record sales of Kleenex, and the internet crashed as American teenagers scrambled to uncover the truth behind their idol's latest outrage.

The facts finally emerged late this afternoon when a disheveled woman in a baseball cap contacted Utterpants via our Editor's state-of-the-art picture-in-picture 4G cellphone. The tearful caller, who asked that we keep her identity secret, but insisted we call her 'Jean', began by explaining that Britney doesn't use sextoys and had bought the deluxe 'Rabbit' vibrator with matching butt plug in the mistaken belief that it would 'tighten up the slack ' in her pelvic floor muscles after her recent pregnancy.

"So — er, 'Jean," we asked, "How did this, er, item wind up inside Paris Hilton?"
"Ewww!" exclaimed the woman with a wrinkle of her pretty nose. "Not that Paris Hilton — the hotel, dummy!"
"The Hilton hotel in Paris?" we asked.
"Yeah.." replied 'Jean'. "She must've left it under the pillow or maybe in a drawer. You didn't—like, think that, I'd like—I mean—think that Ms Spears would have sex with that washed up slut, did you?"
"No, of course not," we reassured her. "The whole world knows what you—ah, Britney, stands for."
"So you'll squash these sick rumours, then?"
"You can depend on it, Jean," we replied. "Just as soon as we've contacted the Hotel."
"When will that be?"
"Oh—maybe in a day or two. The lines to France are pretty congested right now."
At this point we think our caller may have fainted as she turned rather pale and disappeared from our cellphone screen.

When we finally got through to the Hilton Hotel in Paris we asked them how they knew the vibrator belonged to Ms Spears.
"This is France, Mademoiselle," replied the under-manager, a Monsieur Frottage, with a curl of his Gallic lip. "No Frenchwoman would be seen dead viz a baby bleu vibrateur viz 'it me, bebe, one more time' written on it in pink letters."
"Was it you who started this rumour?" we asked.
The concierge shrugged his shoulders indifferently. "We did what any uzzair responsible 'otel would do. We placed a discreet advertisement in 'Paris Soir' asking if someone 'ad lost a vibrateur."
"In colour, on the front page?"

The Frenchman spread his hands apologetically. "Ees it my fault if ze rédacteur chose to put it zair? 'E' says it vaz ze only vacant spot."
"Did you write the headline: 'Dildo laissé par Britney à Paris Hilton?"
"Mais oui, certainment, Mademoiselle; we French do not beat about ze bush."
"Didn't you think that putting an advert on the front page of France's leading society paper with a headline that translated reads: 'Dildo left by Britney in Paris Hilton' might be open to misinterpretation by Americans?
"Is it my fault zat you American celebrities insist on naming yourselves after fruits, rivers and 'otels?" retorted the under-manager, throwing his hands up in Gallic despair.
"I guess we must be thankful Ms Spears didn't stay in the hotel 'President," we remarked.

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