The perennial teen tartlet breezed into the store wearing her frayed signature cut-offs and a sweat-stained T-shirt emblazoned with the modest slogan 'MILF-IN-TRAINING' to introduce her new Lizzie Borden scent — Clueless Fantasy.

"My new fantasy fragrance is seriously slutty," gushed the princess of pop, stubbing out a strange-smelling cigarette on the can of Red Bull. Clueless Fantasy has been described as 'an unashamedly sleazy floral accented with Louisiana Stinkweed and wrapped in the slutty sensuality of jism-stained panties'. But a leading French perfumerer who asked us not to mention her name, simply dismissed it as 'rancid horse piss'.

The aptly named Clueless Fantasy line consists of a perfume, pussy rub, shower gel and intimate waxing stick, packaged in Britney's favourite colours of blue and pink. Early buyers will also receive lipgloss and bath oil, supplied in attractive matching blue bottles with rather unusual caps said to be modelled on the face of Britney's soon-to-be ex-husband, Kevin Federline—or possibly another part of his anatomy.

The fragrance is the first beauty product ever to be created from recycled designer thongs and an exclusive extract obtained at great expense from the sexual organs of Louisiana alligators. Clueless Fantasy goes on sale in the UK on March 31st and will be obtainable from a short, fat geezer with dark glasses who hangs about at the bottom of Oxford street most Wednesdays and Fridays.

Britney Spears, 24 (but not looking a day over 37) took time out from shopping for Kabbalah nipple rings, to talk exclusively to Utterpants.
"So, Britney," we began, "we guess you're pretty excited about your new scent?"
"Omigosh, I was like, so totally amazed Lizzie Borden managed to capture who I really am in a little itty bitty bottle, y'know?"
"We can imagine," we replied. "Was the name your idea, or Kevin's?"
"I'm just so pleased you asked me that!" gushed the teen tartlet. "Everyone's like, wondering why I named it that, but basically I think, like, every woman should, y'know, ask questions."
"Like does my bum look big in this?"
"Ewww, no! That's so unfair. Everybody knows I've been pregnant. But I'm almost back down to my target weight of 170 now."

"If you say so, Britney. So what does Clueless Fantasy mean to you?"
"It's like about taking risks, and embracing new opportunities."
"You mean more girls should show off their panties and snog ageing female celebs?"
"Can I help it if my pants fall down on stage and totally hot stars wanna kiss me?"
"We guess not, Britney. But don't you think the description of your new scent might put some people off?"
"I'm not afraid of pushing back the boundaries."
"Don't you think that 'jism-stained panties' is a bit in your face?"
"Oh that!" giggled the porn princess, "That's just a translation error by the Albanians. Lizzie Borden have promised to change it when Clueless Fantasy goes on sale in England—or is it the UK? Or Great Britain...they're like different places, right?"
"Yes, Britney. So what are you changing the name to?"
"Cum-stained panties."
"Well, that's all right then."

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