Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers letters
Readers comment on:
Anal Scourge sweeps Britain!

'Lisa' from London writes:
I am a 29 year old women from London and I thought your Anal scourge sweeps Britain article was hilarious—utter nonsense but hilarious nonetheless. I simply adore being buggered, gives me the most intense orgasms. Different strokes for different folks I suppose but to suggest that only women with issues would be keen is a bit off.

The author, Miranda Givings, replies. I'm glad you brought up issues, darling. Whilst you may enjoy being bowled from the pavilion end, those of us who are blest with a furry front bottom slightly tighter than a worn out old welly orgasm very nicely, thank you.

'Jennifer', from Lincolnton, in the USA, writes:
I'm a 25-year-old woman and I saw that your site made it look like all women hate anal sex and are forced into it for love and what not, yet since I was 16 I've always liked it and always force the man to have it with me so you really ought to put more womens' views on this subject before you discredit it.

Your last name isn't 'Lopez', is it, Jennifer?

'Capricorn', from Ossining, in the USA, writes:
Sometimes as a woman I feel desperate to keep my husband happy. We accomplished a trial at anal scourging once while we dated and I've told him no since then. We are now married and have managed to bring two lovely children into the world. Anal sex has come up every now and then and I always wonder to myself...how in the hell am I gonna do this when I know how it makes me feel? We tried again a couple of days ago...but got only part of the head in there and my ass was in pain after. Bowel movements have been painful. I know having children has stretched me out a bit...but there's always oral sex. I told my husband, after our recent attempt, that the thought was better than the actual attempt. I would be more open to this act if it weren't so fucking dangerous. Who wants to be constipated, or having to deal with drainage and anal plugs? I've heard that the anal walls or muscles can collapse, but that didn't stop me from my second attempt. I've emailed this article to my husband in the hopes that he will not ask me again. If he does...then I think I might stick something up his ass if you get my drift. Ladies...hold your damn ground. Our vaginas, as well as the rest of our bodies, were meant to be loved tenderly...not viciously. Fuck the evolution theory. You are not an animal, so don't act like one. You can have high levels of passion without acting like a 'bitch' (female dog). If the pussy and the mouth ain't enough...then nothing will be enough.

'Rumplesteelskin', from Portland, in the USA, writes:
I found your article very interesting. I'm an American man who has never done that with a woman. I read your statistic that 69% of British women have done it. I wonder how many of the other 31% would for the right guy? I'd love to interview them. They say in the USA that about 1/3 of US women have, another 1/3 haven't but would for the right guy, and 1/3 would not under any circumstances.

That certainly makes me envy the British men. Now seriously, the disease aspect for woman is (I'm told) mainly from going from the bottom to the mouth. That's disgusting. I'd never ask a woman to do that. I wouldn't even let her if she wanted to because I wouldn't want to think of that when I kissed her later. The other disease problem is going from anus to vagina. That's a serious health no no, unless a condom is used in the anus and then removed or changed before going to vagina. So I'm told. I would not even consider violating these taboos (for the woman's sake).

However, just anal sex with good washing afterwards is not dangerous to the woman, if it's not too fast or forceful. It is dangerous to the man for bladder infection. So I'm told. As a result, I might never do it even if I found a willing US girl. Of course, a condom would prevent that bladder infection risk, but it would ruin the fun. So why bother doing it at all if a condom is needed?

I don't know that I'll ever do it. I'm tempted every time I see a woman with a really nice rear-end. Those thong (g-string) things women wear at the beach, under mini-skirts around town, and the spandex they wear at the gym are specifically what inspired me to want to hump their bottoms. You can't expect a guy to see those things day after day without getting worked up and getting ideas. See it, like it, want it, fuck it. This issue would be easier if I were blind. I certainly can't help envying those British guys. Not only must it physically feel good (for the man) due to extra tightness, but I also think it's very emotionally intimate and flattering for the man that a woman would want to please him so much as to consent to that. That would make me feel really special.

However, men should not take unfair advantage of women's finer qualities like love and desire to please their man. Therefore, I'm quite emotionally conflicted on the whole subject. My penis however, has no such conflict and it seems directly connected to my eyeballs (sometimes skipping right past my brain).
Supposedly, it doesn't have to hurt (or not much) for the woman, if the guy uses lots of lubrication and takes it slow and easy (especially for virgin women). Of course I wouldn't know. These are all things I've been told or read.

In any case, each woman should have the right to say "no", or "yes". So in your zeal to defend women, don't take away their right of choice, which includes the right to say "yes" as well as "no". Perhaps you should offer some middle ground advice for those who will not abstain altogether. For example: no going from rear to mouth and no going from rear to vagina without a good washing first or removing or changing the condom (if used). Anyway, if your objections are moral, then you probably think I'm no good. If your objections are truly health related and/or women's rights related, then consider what I said above.

FYI - I've heard that European women and USA men often get along very well because they both typically have a desire to please their partner. It is also rumoured here in the USA that the reverse is true with European men and American women (i.e. - they're both rumoured to be selfish). This is rumoured to be the average. There would of course be exceptions. I don't know if this stereotype is true or not. I'd love to meet some British women and find out. I'd treat them very well. I'm guessing they probably treat me well too.

I'm a history buff. That old British wartime saying: "Oversexed, overpaid and over here" that the British men used to say about American men was largely because many British women liked the American soldiers. Why not? I'm sure the American men were nice to them. That was a different generation, but I still think the average American man is pretty considerate to women compared to the international norm.

We're not entirely sure if 'Rumpy' took the article seriously, or is pretending to be especially dim in order to bowl the author from the pavillion end. In any event, we didn't have the heart to snip this delightful letter, much of which we agree with, but don't tell Ms Givings that or our bottoms will be history!

'Mick', from Sydney, Australia, writes:
Just read your article on 'brown wings' and it was without doubt one of the funniest things I have ever read.. Just wanted to say keep up the great work...

'Dave' from Reading, writes:
My partner let me in the back door once on holiday when she was horribly drunk and she said it felt sexy. I once tried a butt plug the size of my own cock and it hurt like hell !! Another partner offered me her poop chute but it wouldn't go in so we gave up. I thought your article was amusing and informative. Especially funny was the picture of a typical American asshole!

'Eroticali' from the USA, writes:
Anal s NOT erotic; just say NO! While some do find it erotic, quite frankly, nothing about anal sex appeals to me (and, yes I have tried it twice with two different men). I would bet that it doesn't appeal to most women either (remember, I said 'most' not all). It's fine for those who want to engage, but the web is a major contributor in pushing it as safe, non painful, and as more common than it is. I for one am tired of now having so many men I meet bring it up. I always like to say, "No, I don't like it, but if you would like..." It makes them think about whether they could fathom something of that size up their bottoms—not quite the same as a little ole 'plug' now is it?

'Caroline' from Johannesburg, South Africa, writes:
What an excellent article this is. My sentiments exactly. Any woman who allows the tradesman's entrance to be used for deliveries suffers from a serious lack of self esteem and self worth.

'Elisa' from Dallas, in Texas, in the USA, writes:
How can these women be dumb enough to let men do this...it will get them sick. I have heard very horrible stories about this and it just terrifies me. Women should respect themselves more.

'Chester' from San Bernardino, California, in the USA, writes:
Anal scourge sweeps Britain! is an extremely valuable article. It is chock-a-block full of pertinent and relevant information regarding this loathsomely obscene depraved pursuit. If God had intended woman to delight in this unmentionable charnel activity he would have endowed them with a prostate ! Buggery is exclusively a manly pursuit dangmit!
Where we need to be especially vigilant is in regard to crypto feminists wielding strap-on dildos held in place with steel riveted leather harnesses! That scourge was not so much as addressed in this article. It remains crouched in the dark, waiting to ambush the dissolute libertine or hedonist sufficiently unwary to fall victim to its pathological unwholesomeness.

'Rajani' from Newcastle upon Tyne, writes:
I thought this article was awesome! The author is amazing, I wish I could write like that.. Keep it up!

'Dodgierog' from New Zealand, writes: Scurge of buggery in the UK. A damned good laugh at the end of a hard day.TA!

'Zahid' from Lahore, in Pakistan, writes: I'm totally impressed by your article. It's so true. I must admit I tried the tradesman's entrance a few times, only for discovery, but completely gave up asking my g/f's for it after I realized they were only doing it to please me, but they felt awful, and had great discomfort during and afterwards. So I stopped altogether. Now I'm happily married and would never contemplate putting my lovely wife through this disgusting practice again. Its just simply not only unfair, but downright cruel. Your site is totally awesome!

© 2004 - 2006 utterpants.co.uk
Utterpants Satire News Stories
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Snow White and the Seven Dwarves - a classic fairy tale retold by Miranda Givings
utterpants
How to spot a wanker How to spot a wanker
by Mercedes Dannenberg
Wrapping presents with a cat Wrapping presents with a cat
by Denim Sue
Porn blamed for Sperm donor shortage Porn blamed for Sperm donor shortage
by Keli McTaggart

KKK threaten to lynch Klansman
Ku Klux Klan see red over Klansman
by Jennifer Gardner

British Knob tests sex toy British Knob tests sex toy - Sir Percival Mountjoy gets to grips with a vibrating rubber arse
Jokes, press cuttings, english definitions and funny stories Jokes, press cuttings, english definitions and funny stories
Red Ken clobbers School Run Mums Red Ken clobbers School Run Mums
by Miranda S Givings
The dangers of Phone Sex Phone Sex
Keli McTaggart explains the dangers of WAP-enabled 3G Mobile Phones
 
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Baron Crapulence of Chugley Harvard