Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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'Pam', from Hilo, in the USA, writes:
It warms my heart to know that I am not the only neurotic female who cringes at the
thought of having to use a public loo. Actually I base my opinion of most restaurants as much on the cleanliness of the ladies room as the quality of food. Miranda Givings totally nailed the experience right on the proverbial head and I'm sure most, if not all, civilized women throughout the world can relate and indeed enjoy the humour...albeit mortifying while in the moment. Thanks for the laugh and the real as real gets experience!

'Gill', from Bridgwater, in the UK, writes:
I am really glad that research has proved that thongs are not healthy or better for
women. Women who have enjoyed a more comfortable knicker have felt slightly intimidated by the 'Thong followers', who have made fun of the more larger, comfortable sort, so well done! 'Down with Thongs' up with 'Bigger ones!'

Michelle, from Accokeek, in the USA, writes:
Short fat ugly women risk heart disease. Please send me a link of the web article pertaining to this subject.

That could be a bit tricky, Michelle. Tell you what, just stop stuffing your face with burgers, fries and cookies and you won't need the link.

'Short, fat and ugly', from the UK, writes:
I'm overweight. You are a spiteful wanker and i hope u get fatter as u get older and lose all ur hair! Bitch!!!

'Porsha', from Nottingham, in the UK, writes:
y r u lot dissin chavs like we were scum cuz were not just because we have more friends wot will do more like back u up wen u need it don't meen were lower class u lot need to check yourself and recognise wot ur sayin cuz in my word u lot r all cowards and all a bunch of bollocks you lot think ur higher then us well maybe we choose to be like this or we were grown up with less money then u at least were more street wise then you so if u eva get mugged don't expect a 'chav' to help you for shit you lot think were propa intimidatin we dont do nethin its u lot who wind us up and give us dirty looks all the time eyh we mite be poorer than you have less money than you but at least we have more class on the inside and we know wot the real worlds actually like so u lot can shut ur fucking mouths str8 away.

'Porsha' wins this month's prize for the longest, unpunctuated sentence we have ever published. Your Burberry thong is on its way to you, darling.

'Katie', from South Shields, in the UK, writes:
lyk a didnt read da Chav stories coz a new u wer disin chavs wots da point dis da real freaks goths at least chavs no how 2 hav fun n dai worship da devil or feel suicidal find sumit beta 2 do man u fuk ups.

They just get better and better, don't they?

Rocko, from New York, in the USA, writes:
I was cruised by Cruise on a private cruise. He had a twinkle in his eye....the one eyed snake! I do think that Katie may indeed be a man. Look closely at your pic of her...I think I see balls under her ass!

I think you'll find that's Tom's butt plug, Rocko.

'Nyx', from California, in the USA, writes:
Britney Spears Kabbalah sex rite scuppered. It is interesting to know what kind of life Britney is living with her new belief. And it is more interesting to be able to predict how this will affect other teenagers. I am not optimistic about the next generation. God knows what I would do if I ever see my daughter watching a Britney video. Britney, please do everybody a favour and.. die!

'Melvin', from Topeka, in the USA, writes:
I love your story about Amish sex toys! Having grown up Amish myself it really brings back memories! Just kidding. You guys rock!

'Jennifer', from Lincolnton, in the USA, writes:
I'm a 25-year-old woman and I saw that your site made it look like all women hate anal sex and are forced into it for love and what not, yet since I was 16 I've always liked it and always force the man to have it with me so you really ought to put more womens' views on this subject before you discredit it.

You're last name is not 'Lopez' is it, Jennifer?

'Karen', from Ulverston, in the UK, writes:
Wrapping presents with a Cat was an absolutely brilliant story. I'm at work and couldn't answer the phone for laughing and crying!!

'Chantelle', from London, in the UK, writes:
I'm a first year journalism student and researching teenage abstinence and how it works or doesn't work in different countries around the world. I would just like to say I am actually in support of teenage abstinence because I think that it would make a difference for the better in our society today but I'm really not encouraged by Marylou's approach to it and not surprised that not a lot of teenagers are interested. Its just full of vulgar sexual implications and connotations when that is precisely what is trying to be avoided. The slogans and catch phrases are crap and it does look like a bit of a joke. I think I could do a much better job and I think that Mary Lou's campaign makes a complete mockery of such a serious issue. The approach should be sensitive and supportive to teenagers specifically and be something they can relate to, without preaching or sounding condescending. I know there are lot of young girls who have lost their virginity who regret it because that would have rather waited, namely me, but instead of regretting, the older teens should use their experience to advise the younger generation without pressurising them but at least letting them know of the other option, which is not to have sex at all. The media promotes sex so its difficult for teenagers to be able to make their own decisions without being so influenced. If anyone would like to reply this, with any of your views, agreeable or not, I would really appreciate it.

I guess they've stopped teaching literary comprehension in journalism classes, Chantelle, or you might have twigged that an article that contains lines like: "The reason I'm doing this is because I believe there is a blessing in waiting for your husband before having sex — even if that means having to stuff nettles down your panties for thirty eight years," might just be satirical...

'Brie', from Ottawa, in Canada, writes:
I am 23-year-old college student who occasionally asks my Mom to spank me.
It is always the same; skirt up, panties down over her knee for a session with the paddle. After one of these spankings I seem to have my sense of direction back.

'Sugababe', from Consett, in the UK, writes:
Trick or Treat. I think it was wrong of them Chav lasses ganin in but i think it was even more wrong him takin their money and sayin he will give them things but then not givin them the stuff. But overall thats wot they get for being drunk n randy little whores.

'Tim', from Athens, in the USA, writes:
Not often does one encounter intelligent, well-informed commentary on the web such as your 'Child sex: why are we so fucked up about it?' article; ignorant, misguided ramblings are the norm. After reading this article, I felt the need to send it to several of my friends, most of whom are post-graduate academics. It is truly mind-boggling how completely warped the western consciousness has gotten in regards to sexual thoughts, feelings, and what is considered appropriate.

As a father of a 5-year-old boy, I, for one, have tried to teach him morals that make sense. I don't want him to grow up thinking that his body, or that of anyone else, is something to be ashamed of. Some may claim that I am dooming him to teenage fatherhood and a ruined, irresponsible life. Most parents forget that they need to counter such thoughts and notions with education, so that the child's sexual understanding comes with good judgement. I trust my child to make the right decisions because I fully intend to help him reach those understandings. I feel this is vitally important for all parents. TV and movies are a poor substitute for real parenting. Caring and responsible devoted parenting is the only way we can hope for our children to develop into sexually, morally and spiritually mature adults.

'Sylvain', from Kilgore, in the USA, writes:
The madness of money. Lycurgus, More, Rousseau. These are but a few names of people who understood what money really is. Some have built hope, some have ushered in a revolution, and some have made this utopia real. As History advances, we know but one thing: History will end when money ends.

'JJ', from Romford, in Essex, in the UK, writes:
Ringtones to blame for rude Chavs. Oi m8, if u is der dissin ur lil sis 4 bein who she iz wantin 2 be, den u needs 2 get yer priorities straight darlin, chavz r da best fing around n dey is at least noin wot is wot in da world! we look gud in hoodies n chains n shit like that! ya na wot i mean! least it sounds as tho ur sis is avin fun, good on ere, i hope she keeps it up! u iz jus jelous innit!!!!!! ave sum fuckin' respect 4 er m8! n all da ova chavettes n chavz! ye!

'Ross', from Cleveland, in the USA, writes:
What can I say that essay was awesome! It really hit home with the profound outlook on sexuality within children especially teens. I think we need to be more open about sex education as anything else we talk about in the world. It is only nature! So let nature take its course!!!

'Ally', from Glasgow, in Scotland, writes:
'One of our Submarines is Missing' is an excellent serial, guys, I can't wait for episode four. Semen Staines is a bit limp but I guess I'm old and many of your readers will be post-Pugwash. My favourite bit so far...
Moments later, Secretary of State for Defence, John Reid, passed a blue telephone receiver to Marjoribanks with a stifled oath. "What the devil's that?" "Vivaldi, I think Sir..No—hang on, Salieri's fourth—"
Joseph Heller at his sardonic best! Fantastic.

'Bree', from Indianapolis, in the USA, writes:
Harry potter broom sweeps Britain. You people are insane you should rot in hell for some of the stuff you say what if a kid got on here and saw that stuff i mean what the hell is wrong with you you sick weirdoes i cant believe i got on here i was looking for actual replicas of harry potter items and this is what i find you should be ashamed of yourselfs

I can't decide what you're more upset about; discovering that vibrating brooms have been withdrawn from sale or that mummy won't let you bid for a used one on eBay. Never mind, darling, I'm sure a nice America wanker will pop your little cherry before you're very much older and then you won't need a Harry Potter Broom, will you?

'Chris', from New Orleans, in the USA writes:
OK, so you want a 12-inch cock are you bitches retarded maybe you should unloosen your gross pussies because 12 inches is so rare good luck finding it...your all full of shit..a thick 6-8 inch dick will make any gurl cum so stfu us guys don't like loose girls as much as you like big guys.

'Sarah', from Halesowen, in the UK, writes:
I've just read the article on Chavs by Keli McTaggart, and thought it was brilliant! I'm doing a project on Chavs at the moment in college and this is excellent stuff! How do I get access to the survey that she mentioned: 'The largest survey ever conducted into the 21st Century phenomenon of the 'Chav'? Please email if you can help.

'Barry', from High Wycombe, in the UK, writes:
Just found this site. All good filthy stuff and funny too.

'Zippo', from Milton Keynes, in the UK, writes:
At the sign of the Dancing Donkey. Totally brilliant please don't let it stop there. Write another chapter...awwww hell, rewrite the whole book.

'Ken Watson' from Langley, in Canada, writes:
Chav Shopping. Wonderful insight into the finer points of chavs—we Canadians have similar (arguably less offensive, perhaps, but parametrically similar) 'utes' (NA slang 'youths', from some Hollywood movie), but you've nailed the notable points for my 'colonial' eyes.

'Amanda', from Yorba Linda, in the USA, writes:
Wrapping Presents with a Cat. Wahahahaha! I know exactly what you mean! My cat does the exact same thing! I never can figure out, though, how she keeps getting in the room after I throw her out (not literally) and lock the door. I suspect she either comes in through the window (How did she get outside? and, not likely) just for the pure fun of messing up the present and annoying me...or...she becomes invisible and runs in as soon as I put her out. Hmmm... you choose.

'Claire', from Dunedin, in New Zealand, writes:
Wrapping Presents with a Cat. I had a lot of trouble reading this for the tears in my is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!! I think it is made so funny just by the fact that apart from being a little exaggerated (maybe not in some cat owners cases) it's SO TRUE!!

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© 2006 /211205
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