Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
Page 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

'Marissa' (22), from Grand Prairie, in the USA, writes:
Your article about Cheerleaders was racist and stupid. You're basically implying that all white cheerleaders are sluts, when really I'm sure you don't know your information. There are in fact many white cheerleaders with real talent and morals, not to mention the fact that the best of the best cheerleaders come from Texas, and it's the damn cheerleading capitol. Also, just to let you know, there are plenty of slutty black and Mexican cheerleaders. They're all over, get over it.
The author, Don Pitts replies: Everything you say is absolutely correct. Throughout
most of high school my girlfriend was a slutty Mexican cheerleader. I'm also a native Texan, football player; you get my drift? What you may have missed is that this was a satirical article lampooning the idea that there must be laws passed to tone down cheerleading routines. That's a job for parents, school officials and students. The Texas legislature has far more pressing problems. I love cheerleaders. Not too crazy about idiot legislators.

'Sticker' (45), from Birmingham, writes:
Penis sizes. What a load of crap. You all live in a wonder world. Get to grips with your Virgina (sic) and stop fantasising.
We'd love to, Sticker, but I'm afraid tiny toys like yours just keep slipping out. Keep taking the tablets, darling. I'm sure those 'Herbal supplement for natural male enhancement' pills will work eventually.

'Shaun', from the West Midlands, writes:
Child sex is a superb article. The way the media have portrayed this topic has, if anything, turned children into something they are not: forbidden. It is starting to feel like a new McCarthyism where everything featuring children is already suspect.

'Kate' (22) from Downham Market, writes:
Child sex: why are we so fucked up about it? I agree that that you have a good point on this subject. I see exactly where you are coming from. I don't know if child abuse will ever be stopped but I feel the ways of punishing don't help. With no psychological treatment they will go on to offend again and again.

'Casey' (16), from Virginia, USA, writes:
Child Sex: Why are we so fucked up about it? Damn. That was a good article. That really needed to be said. I know it's true too, because I have been punished for masturbating, looking at pictures of naked people, "going too far" with boys, etc. and I really don't think it was fair for my parents to restrict my sexuality like that. They didn't say "Use a condom" or "be careful who you sleep with" or anything constructive like that—just "don't have sex." Maybe when I'm thirty and can talk with them on a quasi-equal level, I'll share this article with them.

'Kaite,' from Newport, in the US, writes:
Give in to me. Omg I was totally turned on reading this! Just saying great job.

'Lafe,' from Payson, in the US, writes:
British Knob tests Sex Toy. Is this guy serious or is this how British people advertise? I seriously don't know what to think about this 'ad.'

Sir Percy Mountjoy replies:
This story is not an advertisement. Utterpants doesn't sell sex toys, and even if they did, 'Lucy Lastyk's Vibrating Rubber Arse' might not be the best name to pick, what? I think you need to be English and/or realise there's a world outside the United States to:
(a) Understand what 'satire' is.
(b) Appreciate the different meanings of the word 'knob.'
(c) Grasp that we have a class system in Great Britain.
(d) Possess a vocabulary slightly wider than George W Bush's.

I highly recommend you purchase 'Fawlty Towers'—available in Region 1 format DVD from an Amazon store near you—or failing that, try and get out more, preferably further than the next state.

'John,' from Los Angeles, in the USA, writes:
The science of detection. First time I've read one of these. Very cute. The flow and eloquence of Holmes' explanation was excellent.

'Sam,' from Enfield, in the UK, writes:
You lot are propa funny!!!! neva laughed soooo much in ages!!!!!!

'Rob,' from Aboyne, in Scotland, writes:
Ringtones to blame for Rude Chavs. As someone who listens to Thrash Metal i offer resentment at your accusations that Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park belong to the genre, Thrash has nothing to do with Chav culture, not proper thrash anyway, no doubt any other fans will show displeasure at this vile accusation.

'Ian,' from Sofia, in Bulgaria, writes:
Great sexist gags about blokes. As a man I appreciate most, if not all of them. Unfortunately I have not found a site that has the same sort of Humour directed at women.... probably because I spend most of my time doing the washing up with the other decent bloke!

'Patrick,' from Montreal, in Canada, writes:
Short, fat ugly women risk heart disease. I hold it as a truism that fat wastes of skin tend to be more diseased than real people (which isn't so unfortunate). That being said, what did you mean by tall, dark and handsome? African American or just dark-haired European types.

'Katiet,' from Kingston-upon-Thames, in the UK, writes:
Monty Python and the Fellowship of the Ring. This is the funniest thing I have ever read. I couldn't stop laughing at Saruman saying "You son of a silly person" and "Go boil your bottom you peasant bugger-type-a folk, and if you thin-a you 'ad a nasty taunting, you ain't heard nothin' yet" and singing 'bout how he wanted to be a lumberjack, and loved breeding cows and orcs because "zey are ma dearest loves" and how he's a tranny and a "pervy hippy poofter," and he throws Uruk cows at Theoden and the Crimson Rohirrim Equestrians. And the "Barrow Anthrax" with its ghostly maidens wishing male companionship and "oral sex!" And "Bring out yer Baggins!" and "I'm not a Baggins!" Brilliant. And Saruman is French!!!

Totally Awesome! Then I read Monty Python and the Two Towers. This story was so fuckin' funny! I wish I could 'ave thought of summin' like this. Saruman is French!!!!!! ha ha ha! And Wormtongue whispering "Ecky, ecky, ecky pataaaanng!" and Theoden saying "Mummy, I don't wanna go to school mummy. The other boys make fun of my shorts. I want me own pony!" And Pippin and Merry prank calling Sauron! Plus Gollum and "find the fish" with the fish crying, "oh shit it's Gollum!" Fuckin' marvellous, good stuff, good stuff.

'Sami,' from Melbourne, in Australia, writes:
I agree...size DOES matter, I do not, however, agree that 8 inches can be considered the 'bare minimum'...Unless the woman this 8 inched man is with has given birth to a fair few children then 8 inches I would consider sufficient. I enjoyed reading your story, but I think you should include more types of people with more preferences, the whole story seemed a little biased to me.

'Matthew', from Cambridge, in the UK, writes:
Finally an article that can see the adolescent world as it really is! I strongly agree with all the points made and think that it is about time that society changed. This sort of logical and obvious explanation to the 'horrors' of a modern society (e.g. paedophilia) needs to be widely publicised in order to change the ridiculous attitudes that we have towards sex. I try not to be one who criticises other religions (I am an atheist) but with the massive impact that Christianity has on the majority of our communities, it is clear that the teachings need to be modernised in some aspects to accommodate a modern society—not one that is 2000 years old. Finally I would like to thank you for writing this article, I can only hope that many more people can read and understand what you are trying to say.

'Kevin', from Napier, in New Zealand, wrote:
Do Virgins taste better is a really funny story. I would love to see it made into a TV movie or sitcom.

'Capricorn', from Ossining, in the USA, writes:
Sometimes as a woman I feel desperate to keep my husband happy. We accomplished a trial at anal scourging once while we dated and I've told him no since then. We are now married and have managed to bring two lovely children into the world. Anal sex has come up every now and then and I always wonder to in the hell am I gonna do this when I know how it makes me feel? We tried again a couple of days ago...but got only part of the head in there and my ass was in pain after. Bowel movements have been painful. I know having children has stretched me out a bit...but there's always oral sex. I told my husband, after our recent attempt, that the thought was better than the actual attempt. I would be more open to this act if it weren't so fucking dangerous. Who wants to be constipated, or having to deal with drainage and anal plugs? I've heard that the anal walls or muscles can collapse, but that didn't stop me from my second attempt. I've emailed this article to my husband in the hopes that he will not ask me again. If he does...then I think I might stick something up his ass if you get my drift. Ladies...hold your damn ground. Our vaginas, as well as the rest of our bodies, were meant to be loved tenderly...not viciously. Fuck the evolution theory. You are not an animal, so don't act like one. You can have high levels of passion without acting like a 'bitch' (female dog). If the pussy and the mouth ain't enough...then nothing will be enough.

'Howard', from Portland, in the USA, writes:
If my Pussy smells like Tuna, why doesn't my Cat eat me out? Just because I am old doesn't mean I am dead. Very, very funny story; the final line was a classic.

'Kaite', from Birmingham, in the UK, writes:
Oh my God, was this bloke for real? Where does he get of saying shit like that? No wonder he has been getting death threats, this guy is a fucking knob!! I think it's wrong how people in today's society are judged by the way they dress and the music they listen to. I dress like a so-called Chav and I wear a lot of jewellery and listen to RnB music and I am also in my 2nd year of uni. Does that make me Chav Scum?

'Robert', from San Bruno, in the USA, writes:
I would bet dollars to cents that there are plenty of women that said size does not matter as much as you would have us believe. YOU just did not print it. Also, who says the women you interviewed didn't have pussies that were stretched way out of shape? Did you forget that some women are looser than others? I bet a good portion of the women you interviewed have more mileage on there love holes than my Toyota truck. My pecker is not anywhere near ten inches or even seven inches and when I fuck my wife she has two organisms. GET REAL.

Only two 'organisms', Bob? I think you may need to return that willy pump to the shop and complain that the manufacturer's claims have not stood up to close scrutiny. What all you sad wankers fail to grasp, is that this article is satirical. That means it's not true, Bob. Women don't give a stuff about the size of your willies as less than 2% of us orgasm through penetrative sex. It's our clitties you should be concentrating on, not our pussies. The whole point of this article is to demonstrate not only how unbelievably dim and insecure men are, but also how misinformed. You're the living proof, Bob.

'Kevin', from Maryland, in the USA, writes:
I could not agree with you more. It is sick that sexual exploration between children is viewed so harshly. It is so nice to see there are some people with some common sense. I mean really, do the parents think they are doing their kids any favours by hiding sex from them? The parents think they are protecting kids and preserving their innocence. They don’t want their kids to masturbate because it’s not something their 'little angel' would do. The parents need to pull themselves out of their sick fantasy world where everything is perfect and their kids don’t experience sexual feelings. Parents AND laws need to back the hell out of children’s lives and they need to let them GROW UP!! One of your readers (Michelle) wrote: “When I was a child, young girl growing up...sure, there were those in the 'crowd' that were doing a little bit of 'exploring'...holding hands, kissing, etc.” She is obviously living on another planet from ours.

I am 18, and I can say I did more than just hold hands or kiss when I was younger, and I loved it. The freedom to explore myself and consenting others has helped me become more aware of my sexual Identity. Child sex needs to be made a RIGHT for every child growing up to help them mature and find themselves in this mixed up world. How can we expect them to grow into mature responsible adults that are ready to take on the world, when we have spent their entire lives 'protecting' them from it?

Page 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
© 2006 /211205
Utterpants Satire News Stories
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Snow White and the Seven Dwarves - a classic fairy tale retold by Miranda Givings
How to spot a wanker How to spot a wanker
by Mercedes Dannenberg
Wrapping presents with a cat Wrapping presents with a cat
by Denim Sue
Porn blamed for Sperm donor shortage Porn blamed for Sperm donor shortage
by Keli McTaggart

KKK threaten to lynch Klansman
Ku Klux Klan see red over Klansman
by Jennifer Gardner

British Knob tests sex toy British Knob tests sex toy - Sir Percival Mountjoy gets to grips with a vibrating rubber arse
Jokes, press cuttings, english definitions and funny stories Jokes, press cuttings, english definitions and funny stories
Red Ken clobbers School Run Mums Red Ken clobbers School Run Mums
by Miranda S Givings
The dangers of Phone Sex Phone Sex
Keli McTaggart explains the dangers of WAP-enabled 3G Mobile Phones
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Baron Crapulence of Chugley Harvard