Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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'Bernard,' from Rochdale, writes:
Your problem pages are the biggest pile of fucking shit that I have ever seen in my life!!! Your site is fucking awful!
Readers may be interested to learn that 'Bernard' recently wrote to us about his shortcomings in the trouser department under another name and is clearly miffed that we didn't take his little problem seriously. Not to worry, darling, no one can see your little willy when you're wanking under the covers. Needless to add, 'Bernard' is an AOL user.

'Rumplesteelskin', from Portland, in the USA, writes:
I found your 'Anal Scourge Sweeps Britain' article very interesting. I'm an American man who has never done that with a woman. I read your statistic that 69% of British women have done it. I wonder how many of the other 31% would for the right guy? I'd love to interview them. They say in the USA that about 1/3 of US women have, another 1/3 haven't but would for the right guy, and 1/3 would not under any circumstances.

That certainly makes me envy the British men. Now seriously, the disease aspect for woman is (I'm told) mainly from going from the bottom to the mouth. That's disgusting. I'd never ask a woman to do that. I wouldn't even let her if she wanted to because I wouldn't want to think of that when I kissed her later. The other disease problem is going from anus to vagina. That's a serious health no no, unless a condom is used in the anus and then removed or changed before going to vagina. So I'm told. I would not even consider violating these taboos (for the woman's sake).

'Rumplesteelskin' went on for another 127 lines.. You can read his complete letter by clicking the story link above. We're not entirely sure if he took the article seriously, or is pretending to be especially dim in order to bowl the author from the pavillion end. In any event, it's nice that he took the time to write such a very long and detailed letter. At least we think so...

'Catherine' (under 16) from Snoquamlie, in the USA, writes:
I think this article is disgraceful. I personally LOVE coffee. You bastards in England think just because you started drinking coffee first, that you can talk crap about coffee all you want. The person who wrote this article has an MD!!!! An MD for christsake!!!!! Shouldn't people who went to colledge to get an MD be more open-minded about stuff like this, but his arcticle (sic) was very narrow minded and thinks he can write whatever he wants just because he has an MD!!! You mutherfuckers should go to hell and be forced to drink the stuff you happen to hate some much.
Needless to add, the highly literate author of this outburst is an AOL user. Who else would spell 'college' with a 'd'? Enough said we think.

'Kim', from Boston, in the USA, writes:
My mom didn't hesitate to use her hairbrush on our bare bottoms when we were kids. My last one was at 13, but I really miss that guidance now that I'm in college. I'm jealous that my little sister still 'gets it' when she acts up. I'll probably find someone else to spank me, but really wish I knew how to ask mom for her old fashioned discipline.
Well you could always ask us, Kim. Please be sure to include a recent snap of your unclothed derriere with your letter.

'Danielle', from London, writes:
I loved your story 'If my Pussy smells like Tuna, why doesn't my Cat eat me out?'
I am 13 and my cat licks my pussy every day after I get home from school, I just get
some milk, put a few drops on my pussy then my cat licks it and as he licks I begin to get wet so he starts licking my pussy juice until I cum.
What can we say? Lucky pussy!

'Zee', from Los Angeles, in the USA, writes:
If my pussy smells like tuna... That article was HILARIOUS! So disturbing, yet so true.

'Dana', from Grand Rapids, in the USA, writes:
'If my Pussy smells like Tuna, why doesn't my Cat eat me out?' That has to be the most trifflin' shit i had ever heard of in my life. did u actually want your cat to eat you out? go and get a fucking man, you might as well pay a nigga for that matter if you got to go to your cat. And your pussy aint got no business smelling like tuna no way, that shit aint right, if it does something is wrong with your ass.
The author, Jennifer Gardner, replies:
Is it my fault that the grocery store was out of Meow Mix? Surely you don’t want my pussy to starve, as yours clearly has. Anyway, I much prefer the sandpaper tongue of a cat to the filthy tiny todger of a man and the swollen ego that goes with it. A cat won’t stop, look up at me and say, “Is this doing anything for you, or am I wasting my time?” As for your later point, my pussy can smell like anything it damn well pleases. In fact, my pussy could beat up your pussy. I‘m just grateful that it smells like tuna and not like your foul mouth. That really would be disgusting.

'Paul', from Sonora, in the USA, writes:
If my pussy smells like tuna.. I love what Jennifer Gardner had to say. I love to eat pussy. I love it when a woman cums it smells like candy to me.
What can we say, Paul? You have a sweet mouth who any girl would be proud to wrap her thighs around. We've passed your cellphone number onto Jennifer.

'Fred', from Canberra, in Australia, writes:
UK to ban electric toothbrush 'sex toys'. I think it is desgusting and your sight is
fucking awful.
If you can't compete with an electric toothbrush, Fred, you may have to resign yourself to remaining a solitary wanker without a girlfriend.

'Sally' from Sydney, Australia, writes:
Teen Sluts snap up Electric Toothbrushes made me feel all tingly like I was about to have sex again. Being only 12 at my first time and my parents finding me in bed with an 18 year old I'm not allowed to go near boys so an electric toothbrush is a real life saver!
The 18 year old who bit your cherry wasn't called 'Fred' from Canberra, was he?

'Jim', from Austell, in the USA, writes:
Toilet humour: the perils of Public Loos exposed was very enlightening. It made me laugh and anything that excites my emotions at this point deserves a reply. Well done!

'D' from Glasgow, writes:
Girls - are you tipping the velvet TOO often? This story IS pants. Surely this is just the old myths about masturbation makes you blind. The Victorians believed that masturbation caused serious loss of essential bodily fluid, and this is what this argues. Its nonsense and by the way 2 -3 times a WEEK??
Look, we just report the news, we don't make it up. Doctors don't lie, do they? But we agree with you about frequency. If I only got eaten out three times a week I'd be climbing the walls.

'Joe' (ages 17), from Pasadena, in the USA, writes:
I love to sniff teens panties particularly the ones has some of her pubic hair clung in her dirty panties.
Have you tried tying an airtight plastic bag over your head while you're enjoying your hobby, Joe?

'Michel', from Birmingham, writes:
Teens sold their used panties on the Internet. I see, so chemical castration is the latest way for sad people to punish those who they see as more sad than themselves. And there is nothing illegal about the age of the label on the used underwear. If there was, then thousands who like wearing nappies (diapers to you chemical castration junkies) would have been arrested years ago. Just because you don’t do it, does not make the person who does a criminal or a pervert - but it does make you a narrow minded bigot.
Oh dear; you've not been buying used panties from 'Joe' in Pasadena have you?

'Mick', from Sydney, Australia, writes:
Just read your article on 'brown wings' and it was without doubt one of the funniest things I have ever read.. Just wanted to say keep up the great work...

'Annoyed', from New York, in the USA, writes:
Terror attacks rock London: millions of panties soiled as Blair promises to nuke Iraq! You sick fuckers! People died in these attacks! Arseholes!
Not as many as apparently died in New Orleans while your esteemed Prez was strumming his guitar. If you can't understand satire and don't have the wit to recognise the real causes of the London bombings, you really should stick to watching Fox News.

'Nick' (14) from Birmingham, writes:
You are fucking disgusting and I think that trying to make a joke out of the Terrorist attacks on London is appalling. I hope you all fucking die, or have something like this happen to you directly. Bastards!
Oh dear, another one that never learned to read. What's 'disgusting' is that a lad of your age can't distinguish truth from falsehood, Nick. Read the article again and you may discover that far from making a 'joke' out of the London bombings, we take the misguided policies of the Prime Minister and his American comrade-in-terror, which prompted the attacks, all too seriously.

'Fiona', from Toronto, Canada, writes:
Philosophy for Bartenders. I stumbled upon your site - can't even recall the path that lead me here, but THAT is one excellently-written bit of existentialism. I was compelled to drop a line and say cheers! Yes, big named men in long robes would be proud of you.
We have passed your kind comments on to Heraclitus via the executive ouija board, Fiona.

'LJ', from Bristol, writes:
Jennifer Gardner's Philosophy for Bartenders was incredible. I have never read anything so awakening before in my life. I'm in love with this story and have immediately sent it on to many of my bartender colleagues. Just one question, if you were to act like Bond, and speak like Bond, even order the same drink as Bond, why was it not served straight up in order to prevent dilution and settle the infuriating arguement with 'Socrates' which thus killed him. Hmm?
We have passed you question on to Jennifer who we feel sure will need several martinis before she can answer it.

'GorgeousJ', from Malaysia, writes:
Tom Cruise: I'm Not Gay. Absolutely brilliant! Brilliant! You should have your own talk show!!!

'Jeanne', from Miami, in the USA, writes:
Have you ever noticed the kind of women Tom Cruise picks? Very sweet naïve young women whom he feels he can control. God, Katie Holmes sounds like she has had her brain reformatted to 'Tom is God' and there is nothing else. Lets see if this union produces a child….I tend to doubt it. Adoption will be the way to go again…I don’t see anything wrong with being gay. I do see something wrong with him treating the fact that he is gay like it’s a disease. Shame on the coward.
Our point exactly, Jeanne. It's always a delight when an intelligent reader like you 'gets it'. Thanks for your comments.

'Astrid', from Lima, in Peru, writes:
l think that tom cruise is really gay he was married with nicole kidman and why he leave her and with penelope cruz and actress from spain she was really beautifull why tom cruise leave her l am a women and l think he is gay why he try women like friends l think that katie holmes is his friend too like nicole and penelope he is gay.
We do hope you have a good lawyer, Astrid. We fear you may need one when Mr Cruise (who is emphatically NOT gay) reads what you've said about him.

'Rulesgirl', from New York, in the USA, writes:
Tom cruise is not gay is the funniest thing I’ve ever read...because he is!

'Jim', from Leicester, writes:
Blunkett introduces sweeping new anti-terrorist measures. Good for you, Mr Blunkett! And about time too. But, is this going far enough? Will terrorists still be able to get into our country and take more innocent life? I think so...Thing is, these extremists are willing to end their own lives, and the lives of innocents, to "get their message across" or "preserve a way of life"...but where are the Truly Loyal Brits (naturals) who are willing to preserve OUR way of life? Huh? I think its time our government went all the way and evicted all those that refuse to accept our lifestyle, traditions and religion! YES! Send them to some damned hole that will accept scumbags...cuz I’m sick of the pussyfooting about by this country, the pandering to 'minorities' that makes everyone scared to voice their opinions, however loyal! Britain should be Great again, and I, for one, am not ashamed to fly OUR flag! Britons never, never shall be slaves!
We think that may be wishful thinking, Jim, given that the biggest 'terrorist' is sitting in number ten planning his next offensive with his American buddy.

'Jason', from Luton, writes:
I extremely upset by the way in which Nadia Almada was spoken about and the issue of her being a person of transgender. To joke about transgender people is absolutely disscusting (sic) and will no doubt be made a criminal offence eventually. It is on the same par as joking about somebody's race, religion, disability or sexuality and is completely unacceptable. I am not a person of transgender but was extremely offended by this article.
You appear to have missed the bit about 'allowing the public an easy, if entirely specious way of alleviating its gender prejudices'. Well, at least we've put a firecracker up your arse. Let's hope it helps you to understand satire when it bites you on the bum in future.

'Pent' from New Haven, in the USA, writes:
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Keli McTaggart and Miranda Givings deserve long, loud applause for this fine and bawdy rendering of the classic story. The outrageous style is so close to the British pantomime that I fully expect to see it on the stage around Christmas time, in one of the more private London clubs.
Tara Reid is proving a bit difficult to entice over here after her experience at Heathrow airport, so you may have to settle for Britney Spears playing Snow White's mum in a brunette wig with Nikki Reid as the heroine. We understand that only six dwarves with the required credentials have been hired so far, so if you fancy your chances do contact us with your vital statistics and a candid snap.

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© 2006 /090905
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