Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
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We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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'Bianco' from the USA, writes:
Electric toothbrush teen sex health shock was one of the funniest stories I've ever read. I will never look at a toothbrush the same way again. I have also got a boner in my pants the size of New Mexico and I think I'm going to whack off now..
Not with an electric toothbrush we hope? We wouldn't want our readers to get the impression that we are a socially irresponsible publisher who makes light of the serious health risks faced by teenage girls or they many never come again.

'The Reverend Tuchas', from Scientology UK, Xenu New Town, Barking, in the UK, writes: Dear Sirs, I must protest strongly at the outrageous treatment meted out to one of our leading Ambassadors here on Earth by ignorant mortals from Channel 4. Mr Cruise, a well known actor, has helped restore our Church to good health following a serious decline. He has donated time and money to our cause. Through his recent relationship with actress Katie Holmes, he has brought new young blood to our domain (though personally I would have preferred him to team-up with Jennifer Garner who was also on our short-list). By squirting him with water (and to a man of his stature this would have seemed like being hit by a veritable Tsunami), the people responsible have shown little respect for one of the greatest human beings in the Galaxy.
We have passed your concerns onto Dale Petrie who tells us that he feels sure his firm and thrusting defence of Mr Cruise will undoubtedly result in many more strapping young men joining your church in the hopes of meeting their hero who, as he took pains to point out in his article, is not the slightest bit gay.

'Michael', from Istanbul, in Turkey, writes:
I read your story about The Prince and his Shadow this morning and liked it very much. Coincidentally I had planned to go out after nearly two weeks confinement in my flat, to cross the Bosphorus and visit Yildiz Park, once the private domain of a Sultan. 'The Outside' seemed a little threatening as I left my cave/cellar - (although I live on the top floor!) Waiting for the ferry, as I strolled along the promenade, I noticed that a little boy running and leaping off bollards on the waterfront in the bright sunlight was completely separating his shadow from his body. As he soared with each jump, his body was in the air and his shadow was on the ground isolated, equally enjoying itself.

Then I became aware of my own mad shadow, leaning out in front of me on the sun baked esplanade, leading me to the boat, totally inescapably attached. A snatch of the old song "Me and my Shadow" snuck into my brain, one that would be totally unfamiliar to the Turks I passed strolling along with their own.

I crossed the water and entered the park - and it was a kind of forest, with trails among the trees and foliage and birdsong, green and peaceful and lovely, far from the madding crowd; and my shadow disappeared; perhaps not quite, but it merged with the shade of the trees and bushes, and after an hour's ramble I emerged calm and content, not having met my princess - for whom I wasn't looking - but for having allowed my shadow a glimpse of the quiet green shade its ancestors used to roam.

The visit was brief; Shadow will chafe again to be taken, or take me out to a forest, and I will willingly go with it - but I fear a time in the future, perhaps beyond the time of me and my own when the shade of trees will be sparse, the song of birds silent, and the spirit of all subdued. Unless we act now.

The author, Mercedes Dannenberg replies: What a wonderful tribute to my little story, Michael! I confess that I had little hope that anyone would read it when we first published it and I cannot tell you how delighted I am that you not only enjoyed it but recognised the deeper meaning within it. An author could not wish for greater recognition or reward, thank you!

'Martin', from London, writes:
I love to see shaved pussy - rather hairless lips. Some hair on the pubic bone area OK but neat, not a forest. But I know razor burn can be a problem and bristle can be uncomfortable. I like my partner to take her hair off and wear short skirts and show it off to me in public - and maybe show other people. And I prefer to lick the hairless pussy as I don't get hair in my mouth then. It's great to see her on the beach with no hair there. I shave too so I'm not asking her to do anything that I'm not willing to do as well.
Er..gosh, um, Martin. What can we say to top that? I'm sure your partner turns heads everywhere she goes.

'Astra', from Ipswich, in the UK, writes:
What is Intelligence? I read this article with interest. I agree that intelligence is too neatly packaged nowadays, leaving no room for intuition etc. Also that too often memory is mistaken for intelligence. But you lost me with the following: "I believe that each one of us has complete memory, complete intelligence and complete conscience from birth — exactly as when we ended our previous incarnation." This did not follow rationally (or even intuitively) from the previous argument, and seemed to pop up out of nowhere. Can you not have collective consciousness without past life theory? For example, we know what things are edible, and which are poisonous only because at some point in the past somebody must have tried to eat just about anything and everything, with dire consequences. Yet we are not born with this information, but must be taught it. What are your thoughts?

The author, Mercedes Dannenberg replies: Perhaps we 'remember it', Astra? The reason I introduced my conclusions rather abruptly was not only to give the reader a deliberate jolt, but also to draw attention to my conviction that the deepest truths cannot be apprehended 'rationally' by the finite, physical brain and senses, but are perceived in a flash of inspiration which can rarely be adequately expressed in words. In my view, a belief in 'collective consciousness' is not tenable without reincarnation. Such shared consciousness can only reside in immaterial vessels if it is to be available to future generations. So I would contend that although we may not be 'born' with the knowledge that belladonna is not good to eat, our souls, or the souls of others were aware of this information in previous lives, and can pass it on to us if we are sufficiently receptive to receive it. Past lives are not a 'theory' to me, though I am well aware that this is not something that can be 'scientifically' proven at the present time.

My main object in writing this article was to encourage those with open minds to think a little more deeply about the nature of consciousness and memory in general and reincarnation in particular. Reincarnation may not be the prevailing belief of most westerners, but it is a long established tradition in the east and was an everyday fact of existence in many previous civilisations such as Ancient Egypt.

'Betsy', from Adrian, in the USA, writes:
Sex with a very large woman. You are quite simply put a pig. You are not funny. You are not much of a writer. You are not even in my definition a man. It is a sad thing that not only have you wasted your time in writing this piece of garbage but probably the time of most of your readers. (I am allowing for the fact that there are other immature pigs that might enjoy this piece) You might have also hurt some women's feelings who are less secure than I am about their bodies.
Not apparently secure enough to be able to restrain yourself from frothing at the mouth outrage at an author who had the temerity to make fun of very large women. Perhaps you'd see the joke if you stopped stuffing your face with pasta, burgers and chocolate?

'Des', from Sri Lanka, writes:
Sex with a very large woman. Tell Robert Levin, all he has to do is marry a slim young thing and she'll turn into a huge fat tart before his very eyes. My little bundle of sophisticated joy wears a T-shirts bearing the catchy slogan: 'Once you've shagged fat, there's no going back.'
We suggest you consider cheating on your wife with the previous correspondent.

'Dave' from Reading, in the UK, writes:
My partner let me in the back door once on holiday when she was horribly drunk and she said it felt sexy. I once tried a butt plug the size of my own cock and it hurt like hell !! Another partner offered me her poop chute but it wouldn't go in so we gave up. I thought your article was amusing and informative. Especially funny was the picture of a typical American asshole!
At least you chose to take your punishment like a man, Dave and discovered it's not all it's cracked up to be. Many women don't get offered a choice.

'Turnbull Sargison', from Dakar, in darkest Africa, writes:
We came across your site and we need some sex toys (electric vibrator) of 50 pcs in discount price. Sincerely, the company credit card can be presently use for the payment of suchly items for now and we like you give us the total cost including cost of each shippings methods that your company to Senegal. Kindly give us a reasonable prices, so that we can later forward the payments infos.

Dear Mr. Sargison,

We were rather surprised to receive your enquiry so soon after your previous communication concerning the transfer of five million pounds into Ms Givings' personal bank account, here in Purley. As we explained to you then, the 'trifling sum' (£50,000 pounds in used twenties) you advised Ms Givings to bring over to Dakar in her underwear to cover what you described as 'expenses in the form of fees to facilitators in the government' was more than we could afford at the time.

However, your timely inquiry and interest in ordering from our wide assortment of tunnel huggers may well solve this dilemma. As you can see from a perusal of our fine website, we stock all varieties, from the modern, popular rabbits to the traditional wood, varieties hand crafted on the naked thighs of happy Amish schoolgirls. Please disregard the section called 'wicked wabbits', as our entire stock of these cute, little bunnies has been depleted by our own staff. If you would like any anal toys, I suggest you go ahead and order them before the girls discover DP. We also have a fairly large assortment of leather and plastic cock rings, because, as our resident Sexologist, Doc Sleaze once said, and I’m paraphrasing here: 'proper gentlemen wear only metal.'

Our new line of horse dildos, which I'm sure will be most popular in your country, is presently undergoing exhaustive testing by our female staff. These are cast from moulds made of actual erect horse dongs that are presently in use among many men and women in your neighbourhood—probably in your own household.

Understanding how important price is to you, while these are in pre-production, you might be interested in our used vibrator collection. These oldies but goodies are well used and tested by the ladies and one gentleman among our regulars, and while a bit worn, still have many happy miles left in them.

P.S. Please do not forget to order a few more than you need as we always seem lose some as they go through customs.

'Blossom', from Sydney, Australia, writes:
Britney Spears pregnant after sex orgy. I don't know if this story is true or not but I do know one thing, Britney did not say any of those things you (whoever you are) have quoted. Whoever believes any of this crap is pretty stupid. I've heard about you type of people. They say all these UK newspapers are printing out made up stuff just so you could fill up the pages. Where did I here this from? Celebrities. And what they say are written in the UK is so fake! So I say too.
I'm guessing you've been living under Ayers Rock for the last five years 'Blossom'. Either that or you're spending way too much time in the bathroom with your electric toothbrush. How do you know she didn't say these things? Were you there when Brianna Banks handed the dozy slut—oppss, 'massively talented entertainer'—a beige envelope containing £20,000 in used tenners? Bugger! We weren't supposed to reveal that. Er, forget we said that, OK?

'Eroticali', from the USA, writes:
Anal is not erotic; just say NO! While some do find it erotic, quite frankly, nothing about anal sex appeals to me (and, yes I have tried it twice with two different men). I would bet that it doesn't appeal to most women either (remember, I said 'most' not all). It's fine for those who want to engage, but the web is a major contributor in pushing it as safe, non painful, and as more common than it is. I for one am tired of now having so many men I meet bring it up. I always like to say, "No, I don't like it, but if you would like..." It makes them think about whether they could fathom something of that size up their bottoms—not quite the same as a little ole 'plug' now is it?
We couldn't have put it better ourselves, well we could and we did, but it's nice to know that there are some women who are resolutely refusing to bend over backwards for an American asshole.

'Caroline', from Johannesburg, South Africa, writes:
What an excellent article Anal Scourge sweeps Britain is. My sentiments exactly. Any woman who allows the tradesman's entrance to be used for deliveries suffers from a serious lack of self esteem and self worth.
If you mean she's a filthy, disease-ridden slut who likes nothing better than being rutted up the back door by a succession of festering lepers with tertiary syphilis while the entire Man United football team spray her upturned face with their creamy, man juice, we'd agree. Oh, bugger! We've just given Angelina Jolie another plug!

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© 2006 /010705
Utterpants Satire News Stories
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Snow White and the Seven Dwarves - a classic fairy tale retold by Miranda Givings
How to spot a wanker How to spot a wanker
by Mercedes Dannenberg
Wrapping presents with a cat Wrapping presents with a cat
by Denim Sue
Porn blamed for Sperm donor shortage Porn blamed for Sperm donor shortage
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KKK threaten to lynch Klansman
Ku Klux Klan see red over Klansman
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British Knob tests sex toy British Knob tests sex toy - Sir Percival Mountjoy gets to grips with a vibrating rubber arse
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Red Ken clobbers School Run Mums Red Ken clobbers School Run Mums
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The dangers of Phone Sex Phone Sex
Keli McTaggart explains the dangers of WAP-enabled 3G Mobile Phones
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Baron Crapulence of Chugley Harvard