Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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'Chessmaster' (17), from London, dribbled:
Penis size. Firstly id like to say ur website is awful it must be written by men who dont know what there talking about as there no way women said them things on your internert site. Lastly, if and when i get to know you i will knock you da fuck out. PENIS SIZE DOESNT MATTER! EVERYONE KNWOS THAT so get running now u piece of shit.
I fear you may have been playing with your little bishop too long, Adam. Our article has obviously made you realise it will never be a king, or even a knight, and is in fact nothing more than a glorified pawn—or possibly a shrimp. There are very few male writers on this website and they are largely lucky to be here. Of course women said all those things; nobody knows better than a girl how much size really matters. Everything else is a myth. Perhaps some young slag told you your little Chipolata was 'cute', but believe me, she went out and found a real man afterwards. Even if you are the sort of small boy who enjoys 'knocking the fuck' out of women', I doubt you'll have the time as you are clearly too busy beating the shit out of your little willy.
Judging by your writing skills, perhaps it wasn't such a clever idea to idea to play truant in the third form to beat your miniature rook?

'Jonathan' (17), from Stonehaven, in the UK, writes:
It's strange that I had never really though about this until last week when a programme titled 'Sugar Rush' began on Channel 4. It shows a 15 year old using her electric toothbrush and now a whole load more young girls are gonna start using electric toothbrushes without knowing the consequences.
I take it from your concerned tone that the girl in question was not brushing her teeth? Unfortunately, as our recent reports reveal, I'm afraid that you may soon be completely redundant, Jonathan. Unless, of course, your willy can vibrate and rotate. If it can, please call me urgently on 09096 562782.

'Sara' (17) from L.A., in the USA, writes:
Tara Reid Tits Out! I was just wondering why you guys actually take time out of your day to write stories about celebs, seriously, why? You are insulting people you don't know who are in situations, and under types of pressure you probably don't understand. Besides, they are so rich whereas people like you are easily forgotten. So maybe you should stop obsessing over other peoples’ lives, and get one of your own.
You simply don't get it, do you? Your wall-to-wall diet of soap operas, MTV, diet coke and trips to the local Mall have clearly not equipped you to recognise satire, let alone grasp what it's purpose is. If you did, you'd know that talentless tarts like Ms Reid are obsessed with fame, money and sex. An obsession which millions of clueless teenagers like you ape (badly) in search of your fifteen minutes of fame, in the hope it will miraculously transform your empty lives and fill them with the happiness we all know comes from being filthy rich and famous. The only 'pressure' Tara Reid is under, is from the weight of her hideous, silicone implants and the burden of knowing that when her plastic looks finally fade, she will be able to look back on a life that was like a broken pencil; utterly pointless. Why not give that some thought while you're painting your nails?

'Joel', from Hamilton, in Canada, writes:
I wanna see some stories about Hilary Duff, because I hate that stupid, preppy, goody-good momma-lovin' biatch. She makes me wanna puke and she can basically burn in hell for all i care, so yeah, some of that would be good!
We have passed your request on to our woman with her fingers in America's dirty laundry, Brianna Banks. She assures us that her satirical poisoned pen is poised to strip Hilary naked for the benefit of our readers. Watch this space!

'Des' (14) from Dublin, in Ireland writes:
You are a disgusting filthy slut for writing that sick story and I bet you are dog ugly. I hate to hurt your feelings but you deserve it with your animalistic behaviour. You need help now today. Masturbation is a mortal sin especially for a woman so cut it out and go to mass and ask god to forgive you or you’ll roast in the fires of hell for all eternity.
I'm tempted to ask what a nice Catholic girl like you is doing in these filthy pants? Leaving that aside, you appear to have missed the whole point of the Catholic Church. Being a Catholic means you can do anything you like providing you confess it. Of course, if you really are a nice little Catholic girl and not a fifty-two-year old, three hundred pound Baptist from Kansas, you won't need to masturbate as you can depend upon a regular fingering during confession from Father Chasuble. Just give it up darling and rub that little clitty till it bleeds, you know you want to.

'Paul', from Pontefract, in the UK, writes:
The article, 'Child sex: why are we so fucked up about it?' by Miranda Givings should be made compulsive reading in all newspapers and magazines of every country in the world. The scourge of paedophilia is a monstrous reaction to childhood/teenage sexual repression and a vicious circle that will never be eradicated, unless we take heed and have the courage to bring Miranda's opinions and concerns to liberal, like-minded people everywhere.
The author, Miranda replies: Every letter I get like yours strengthens my faith in common sense and helps to counter the hysteria pumped out by the media on this inflammatory subject. Sadly, if the number of rejections I have had from mainstream publishers to whom I have submitted this article is any guide, things will get a lot worse before they get any better. A cynic might conclude that the media's blinkered and bigoted views have less to do with entrenched attitudes towards childhood sexuality, and rather more to do with ratings and profit. A good illustration of this is the complaint made against us recently by a multi-national confectionery manufacturer over a satirical news story we published about the abuse of chocolate bars by women. The crux of their complaint was that our story might be seen by children who would then presumably start furiously masturbating with Mars bars.

The inherent hypocrisy in this will not be lost on our older British readers who remember the Cadbury's Flake adverts from the early 1970's — over thirty years ago — which showed a nubile young totty sucking on a chocolate bar in a very unsubtle parody of oral sex. But this is half the problem. On the one hand the 'moralists' would have us believe that children are completely asexual until puberty, and should then wait anything up to seven years (depending upon the age of consent in their country of residence) before expressing their sexuality, whilst allowing advertisers and the media to bombard children with overtly sexual images and sexual innuendo from dawn til dusk via every conceivable medium.

Anyone with an ounce of common sense can only watch in open-mouthed amazement at this schizophrenic sleight-of-hand, which only serves to add to the mixed messages children receive on all sides. Is it any wonder that dietary disorders, self-harm, binge drinking, promiscuity and depression afflict three out of ten teenagers? We should know, our mail bag is overflowing with letters from just such fucked-up kids. And who fucked them up? With rare exceptions, not a dirty old man in a mac or a stalker in a chat room, but their own, misinformed, misguided and repressed parents and guardians. I'm afraid it will take a lot more than an article or two from the British webmistress of what many perceive as a 'porn site' before attitudes change sufficiently to halt the inexorable slide towards ever greater repression on the one hand and ever more bizarre and aberrational sexual reactions to it on the other.

'Gabriella', from New Jersey, in the USA, writes:
Thank you for 'Child sex: why are we so fucked up about it?' I was actually looking for a write-up on when the 'church' started to recognise marriages and what type they were. But this write-up is right in there with that subject. Great job!
Thank you. I can do no better than refer you to the letter above yours and my reply to it, which sums up my feelings perfectly.

Nikkie (23) from Evanston, in the USA, writes:
How to satisfy your lover, ohhhh, that was nice!!! Now I wanna go home to my man and use some fruit!
Just make sure you choose the right fruit, Nikkie. Strawberry stains are almost impossible to get out of white knickers!

'Don' (55) from Urbana, in the USA, writes:
Gonorrhoea epidemic sweeps America is excellent! I applaud Brianna. I give her the clap! (clap clap!).
I think she already has it. How else would she know so much about the subject?

'Tom', from Dublin, in Ireland, writes:
I too, have experienced the perils of trying to hover over a filthy toilet when my bowels were about to explode. No toilet paper and I had to slip off my jockeys and mop up the damage.
It's nice to know that the weaker sex suffers too, Tom. I hope you've learned your lesson and now go to the loo with a mate who can fetch some paper in an emergency.

Pervy Pantylover, from the USA, writes:
As the administrator of a website for sad panty perverts, I find the mention in your article of "panty- obsessed Americans" to be mis-leading. While there are plenty of used panty fans in the USA, an overwhelming number of our members are actually from the UK and Europe. Additionally, no self-respecting used panty fan would ever come near child's underwear. Those that do, are not members of the used panty fetish community, they are criminals and perverts in need of chemical castration.
The author, Keli McTaggart, replies: If an overwhelming number of your members really are from Europe and the UK they must spend all their time wanking over pictures of naughty English schoolgirls in tight, wet knickers, or they'd know that the legal age of consent in the UK is sixteen. Consequently, the schoolgirl who was the subject of our article is not considered a 'child' here, nor would she be considered so in much of Europe where the legal age of consent is also sixteen, and in some countries (Holland and Spain) fourteen or younger.

Personally, I think that anyone who gets their jollies from sniffing musky girl's knickers (of whatever age) is a criminal and a pervert who is in need of chemical castration, or at the very least, having their odious todger steeped for twenty-four hours in a piping hot cup of coffee—de-caff of course, we're not savages here.

Theresa K (34), from South Dakota, in the USA, writes:
Ya, this was great! Finally a story that puts the 'walking vagina' Angelina Jolie, in a perfect light both with regard to her relentless sexual proclivities but also with regard to her complete lack of a single moral fibre in her entire being. We need more sites that depict this sex crazed, stupid, uneducated, Electra Complex suffering maniac as she really is—a rancid, ruttin' with the barn animals kinda gal. Now if we could only get Jennifer and Laura's opinion! Ya, Angelina is really a tedious and pathetic person. She needs more vilification, more of the same that this site has produced. Good work people!
The author, Lorenzo Cassenell replies: Thanks for your comments Theresa. A couple of days after we broke the revelations regarding Miss Jolie’s cum hungry habits we received a phone call from her assistant requesting a meeting between myself and the Cambodian orphanage pillaging whore monkey. A day or so later I was ushered into a filthy Hotel room where I was met by the naked, chocolate splattered slut lubed to the gills and surrounded by three delighted looking Pit Bull Terriers with their tongues hanging out.

Angelina said that if utterpants withdrew the article she would let me: 'Defile every hole in my cock-hungry body in the most disgusting and imaginative way possible,' as long as Brad, Johnny and Colin (the Pit Bulls), could join in the fun. I told her that we couldn't possibly remove the offending material because that would undermine my artistic integrity.

'Jessica' (34DD-34-46), from London, in the UK writes:
re: Alex on the Box: Faking It, Wednesday 10 November 2004. Your review of this programme reveals what a small penis you actually have. I can tell by your pathetic attempts at bitchery that your penis smells atrocious and girls do not like you. Obviously you don't like telly very much, maybe your mummy ought not to let you watch it as it brings out an unfortunate, pitiful side of you. Medication may help and the watching of Disney. I feel sorry for lonely old you sat at your PC day by day, being mean to successful people just because you aren't. No one wants to play with you. No one is listening to you. Your humour is shit, I know four-year-olds with more wit and panache than you.
Alex 'The Clog' DeVille replies: Hooray, a Letter from Porky Jess! It's always great to see wannabe f-list celebrities 'ego-surfing' the pages of Google desperately seeking a mildly positive review, a picture in which their bum doesn't look enormous—or possibly a wanky fansite built on a free hosting service. So imagine my unalloyed delight upon receiving such a glowing letter from Porky Jess, whose claim to her five minutes of fame rests solely on her marvellous ability to make a total arse of herself in wooden shoes on National Telly. Wank! Poor girl, I wonder if she ever met Jamelia? My sources at Broadcasting House tell me there's an opening for a plucky female clog dancer who can strut her stuff whilst throwing chicken nuggets in a pan and flirting with the male contestants. But you'd better hurry, Celebrity Nude Clog Dancing in the Kitchen airs in two weeks on BBC1!

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© 2006 /010505
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