(17), from London, dribbled:
Penis size. Firstly id like to say ur website is awful it must be written
by men who dont know what there talking about as there no way women
said them things on your internert site. Lastly, if and when i get to
know you i will knock you da fuck out. PENIS
SIZE DOESNT MATTER! EVERYONE KNWOS THAT so get running now u piece
I fear you may have been playing with your little
bishop too long, Adam. Our article has obviously made you realise it
will never be a king, or even a knight, and is in fact nothing more
than a glorified pawn—or
possibly a shrimp. There are very few male writers on this website
and they are largely lucky to be here. Of course women said all those
things; nobody knows better
than a girl how much size really matters. Everything else is a myth.
Perhaps some young slag told you your little Chipolata was 'cute', but
believe me, she went out and found a real man afterwards. Even if you
are the sort of small boy who enjoys 'knocking the fuck' out of women',
I doubt you'll have the time as you are clearly too busy beating
the shit out of your little willy.
Judging by your writing skills, perhaps it wasn't such a clever idea
to idea to play truant in the third form to beat your miniature rook?
'Jonathan' (17), from Stonehaven, in the UK, writes:
It's strange that I had never really though about this until last week
when a programme titled 'Sugar Rush' began on Channel 4. It shows a
15 year old using her electric toothbrush and now a whole load more
young girls are gonna start using electric
toothbrushes without knowing the consequences.
I take it from your concerned tone that the girl
in question was not brushing her teeth? Unfortunately, as our recent
reports reveal, I'm afraid that you may soon be completely redundant,
Jonathan. Unless, of course, your willy can vibrate and rotate. If it
can, please call me urgently on 09096 562782.
'Sara' (17) from L.A., in the USA, writes:
Reid Tits Out! I was just wondering why you guys actually take time
out of your day to write stories about celebs, seriously, why? You are
insulting people you don't know who are in situations, and under types
of pressure you probably don't understand. Besides, they are so rich
whereas people like you are easily forgotten. So maybe you should stop
obsessing over other peoples’ lives, and get one of your own.
You simply don't get it, do you? Your wall-to-wall
diet of soap operas, MTV, diet coke and trips to the local Mall have
clearly not equipped you to recognise satire, let alone grasp what it's
purpose is. If you did, you'd know that talentless tarts like Ms Reid
are obsessed with fame, money and sex. An obsession which millions of
clueless teenagers like you ape (badly) in search of your fifteen minutes
of fame, in the hope it will miraculously transform your empty lives
and fill them with the happiness we all know comes from being filthy
rich and famous. The only 'pressure' Tara Reid is under, is from the
weight of her hideous, silicone implants and the burden of knowing that
when her plastic looks finally fade, she will be able to look back on
a life that was like a broken pencil; utterly pointless. Why not give
that some thought while you're painting your nails?
'Joel', from Hamilton, in Canada, writes:
I wanna see some stories about Hilary Duff, because I hate that stupid,
preppy, goody-good momma-lovin' biatch. She makes me wanna puke and
she can basically burn in hell for all i care, so yeah, some of that
would be good!
We have passed your request on to our woman
with her fingers in America's dirty laundry, Brianna
Banks. She assures us that her satirical poisoned pen is poised
to strip Hilary naked for the benefit of our readers. Watch this space!
'Des' (14) from Dublin, in Ireland writes:
You are a disgusting filthy slut for writing
that sick story and I bet you are dog ugly. I hate to hurt your
feelings but you deserve it with your animalistic behaviour. You need
help now today. Masturbation is a mortal sin especially for a woman
so cut it out and go to mass and ask god to forgive you or you’ll
roast in the fires of hell for all eternity.
I'm tempted to ask what a nice Catholic girl like
you is doing in these filthy pants? Leaving that aside, you appear to
have missed the whole point of the Catholic Church. Being a Catholic
means you can do anything you like providing you confess it. Of course,
if you really are a nice little Catholic girl and not a fifty-two-year
old, three hundred pound Baptist from Kansas, you won't need to masturbate
as you can depend upon a regular fingering during confession from Father
Chasuble. Just give it up darling and rub that little clitty till it
bleeds, you know you want to.
'Paul', from Pontefract, in the UK, writes:
The article, 'Child
sex: why are we so fucked up about it?' by Miranda Givings should
be made compulsive reading in all newspapers and magazines of every
country in the world. The scourge of paedophilia is a monstrous reaction
to childhood/teenage sexual repression and a vicious circle that will
never be eradicated, unless we take heed and have the courage to bring
Miranda's opinions and concerns to liberal, like-minded people everywhere.
The author, Miranda replies:
Every letter I get like yours strengthens my faith in common sense and
helps to counter the hysteria pumped out by the media on this inflammatory
subject. Sadly, if the number of rejections I have had from mainstream
publishers to whom I have submitted this article is any guide, things
will get a lot worse before they get any better. A cynic might conclude
that the media's blinkered and bigoted views have less to do with entrenched
attitudes towards childhood sexuality, and rather more to do with ratings
and profit. A good illustration of this is the complaint made against
us recently by a multi-national confectionery manufacturer over a satirical
news story we published about the abuse
of chocolate bars by women. The crux of their complaint was that
our story might be seen by children who would then presumably start
furiously masturbating with Mars bars.
The inherent hypocrisy in this will not be lost on
our older British readers who remember the Cadbury's Flake adverts from
the early 1970's — over thirty years ago — which showed
a nubile young totty sucking on a chocolate bar in a very unsubtle parody
of oral sex. But this is half the problem. On the one hand the 'moralists'
would have us believe that children are completely asexual until puberty,
and should then wait anything up to seven years (depending upon the
age of consent in their country of residence) before expressing their
sexuality, whilst allowing advertisers and the media to bombard children
with overtly sexual images and sexual innuendo from dawn til dusk via
every conceivable medium.
Anyone with an ounce of common sense can only watch
in open-mouthed amazement at this schizophrenic sleight-of-hand, which
only serves to add to the mixed messages children receive on all sides.
Is it any wonder that dietary disorders, self-harm, binge drinking,
promiscuity and depression afflict three out of ten teenagers? We should
know, our mail bag is overflowing with letters from just such fucked-up
kids. And who fucked them up? With rare exceptions, not a dirty old
man in a mac or a stalker in a chat room, but their own, misinformed,
misguided and repressed parents and guardians. I'm afraid it will take
a lot more than an article or two from the British webmistress of what
many perceive as a 'porn site' before attitudes change sufficiently
to halt the inexorable slide towards ever greater repression on the
one hand and ever more bizarre and aberrational sexual reactions to
it on the other.
'Gabriella', from New Jersey, in the USA, writes:
Thank you for 'Child
sex: why are we so fucked up about it?' I was actually looking
for a write-up on when the 'church' started to recognise marriages and
what type they were. But this write-up is right in there with that subject.
Thank you. I can do no better than refer you
to the letter above yours and my reply to it, which sums up my feelings
Nikkie (23) from Evanston, in the USA, writes:
to satisfy your lover, ohhhh, that was nice!!! Now I wanna go home
to my man and use some fruit!
Just make sure you choose the right fruit, Nikkie.
Strawberry stains are almost impossible to get out of white knickers!
'Don' (55) from Urbana, in the USA, writes:
epidemic sweeps America is excellent! I applaud Brianna. I give
her the clap! (clap clap!).
I think she already has it. How else
would she know so much about the subject?
'Tom', from Dublin, in Ireland, writes:
I too, have experienced the perils of trying to hover
over a filthy toilet when my bowels were about to explode. No toilet
paper and I had to slip off my jockeys and mop up the damage.
It's nice to know that the weaker sex
suffers too, Tom. I hope you've learned your lesson and now go to the
loo with a mate who can fetch some paper in an emergency.
Pervy Pantylover, from the USA, writes:
As the administrator of a website for sad panty perverts, I find the
mention in your article of "panty-
obsessed Americans" to be mis-leading. While there are plenty
of used panty fans in the USA, an overwhelming number of our members
are actually from the UK and Europe. Additionally, no self-respecting
used panty fan would ever come near child's underwear. Those that do,
are not members of the used panty fetish community, they are criminals
and perverts in need of chemical castration.
The author, Keli McTaggart, replies:
If an overwhelming number of your members really are from Europe
and the UK they must spend all their time wanking over pictures of
naughty English schoolgirls in tight, wet knickers, or they'd know
that the legal age of consent in the UK is sixteen. Consequently, the
schoolgirl who was the subject of our article is not considered a 'child'
here, nor would she be considered so in much of Europe where the legal
age of consent is also sixteen, and in some countries (Holland and Spain)
fourteen or younger.
Personally, I think that anyone who gets their jollies
from sniffing musky girl's knickers (of whatever age) is a criminal
and a pervert
who is in need of chemical castration, or at the very least, having
their odious todger steeped
for twenty-four hours in a piping hot cup of coffee—de-caff
of course, we're not savages here.
Theresa K (34), from South Dakota, in the USA, writes:
Ya, this was great! Finally a story that puts the
'walking vagina' Angelina Jolie, in a perfect light both with regard
to her relentless sexual proclivities but also with regard to her complete
lack of a single moral fibre in her entire being. We need more sites
that depict this sex crazed, stupid, uneducated, Electra Complex suffering
maniac as she really is—a rancid, ruttin' with the barn animals
kinda gal. Now if we could only get Jennifer and Laura's opinion! Ya,
Angelina is really a tedious and pathetic person. She needs more vilification,
more of the same that this site has produced. Good work people!
The author, Lorenzo Cassenell replies:
Thanks for your comments Theresa. A couple of days after we broke the
revelations regarding Miss Jolie’s cum hungry habits we received
a phone call from her assistant requesting a meeting between myself
and the Cambodian orphanage pillaging whore monkey. A day or so later
I was ushered into a filthy Hotel room where I was met by the naked,
chocolate splattered slut lubed to the gills and surrounded by three
delighted looking Pit Bull Terriers with their tongues hanging out.
Angelina said that if utterpants
withdrew the article she would let me: 'Defile every hole in my cock-hungry
body in the most disgusting and imaginative way possible,' as long as
Brad, Johnny and Colin (the Pit Bulls), could join in the fun. I told
her that we couldn't possibly remove the offending material because
that would undermine my artistic integrity.
'Jessica' (34DD-34-46), from London, in
the UK writes:
on the Box: Faking It, Wednesday 10 November 2004. Your review of
this programme reveals what a
small penis you actually have. I can tell by your pathetic attempts
at bitchery that your penis smells atrocious and girls do not like you.
Obviously you don't like telly very much, maybe your mummy ought not
to let you watch it as it brings out an unfortunate, pitiful side of
you. Medication may help and the watching of Disney. I feel sorry for
lonely old you sat at your PC day by day, being mean
to successful people just because you aren't. No one wants to play
with you. No one is listening to you. Your
humour is shit, I know four-year-olds with more wit and panache
'The Clog' DeVille replies: Hooray, a Letter from Porky
Jess! It's always great to see wannabe f-list celebrities 'ego-surfing'
the pages of Google desperately seeking a mildly positive review, a
picture in which their bum doesn't look enormous—or possibly a
wanky fansite built on a free hosting service. So imagine my unalloyed
delight upon receiving such a glowing letter from Porky Jess, whose
claim to her five minutes of fame rests solely on her marvellous ability
to make a total arse of herself in wooden shoes on National Telly. Wank!
Poor girl, I wonder if she ever met Jamelia? My sources at Broadcasting
House tell me there's an opening for a plucky female clog dancer who
can strut her stuff whilst throwing chicken nuggets in a pan and flirting
with the male contestants. But you'd better hurry, Celebrity
Nude Clog Dancing in the Kitchen airs in two weeks on