Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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'Jay', from Memphis, in the USA, writes:
Child sex, why are we so fucked up about it. I noticed in this article that you are very much against firearms and seem to equate all crime as to stemming from firearms.
If you'd paid more attention to the article and less to your own preconceptions, you might have realised that what the author is 'very much against' are not firearms, but the hypocritrical attitude that pervades your culture, which considers the display of weapons in public perfectly acceptable, but naked bodies making love, indecent.

David, from Oxford, in the UK writes:
At last! a voice of reason in this insane society. I was idly typing "society is fucked up" into google when I noticed your link saying 'Child sex: why are we so fucked up about it?' I read it and was relieved to find that I am not the only one who has noticed how unfair it is that our society oppresses and encourages repression in children and young people sexually and otherwise, and the fact that it is justified and encouraged. Yesterday I was watching the TV chat show 'Richard and Judy.' They had an article about schools and discipline, in one clip a teacher running a computer lesson had secretly filmed the 13 year old students and one of them was on a porn site. Richard and Judy seemed horrified about 'a thirteen year old boy 'accessing a pornographic website.'
It never ceases to surprise and please us that so many readers continue to respond so positively to this article. Perhaps there's hope for our 'fucked up society' after all, David, but not if you keep watching 'Richard and Judy' —that stuff can rot your brain you know.

Guy, from Canada, writes:
Thank God someone has had the honesty to bring this terrible scourge to light. Candy and Chocolate have been a relatively new visitor to some northern regions. With progress has come diabetes, tooth decay and insidious problems such as this disgusting auto stimulation. Coupled with trade with the white south, we face an epidemic among the Inuit people of northern Canada. This will be posted at our bush clinic (fly in) and at several of the trading posts.
I'm not sure whether you're pulling our legs, Guy. On the assumption that you're serious, I'd like to say that although the article was satirical, like many of our news stories, it does make a serious point about our society's preoccupation with sex. In my view, a finger of fudge is no substitute for a loving relationship with another human being, unless it's coated with dark chocolate and has a really yummy, alcoholic centre.

Don, from Urbana, in the USA, writes:
I loved your 'Porn blamed for sperm donor shortage' story, but I must warn you of a widespread hoax here in the US. Most of us sperm donors have had vasectomies; we just enjoy the donation process.
Somehow it seems poetic justice that we should import blanks from a country whose President has the greatest difficulty getting it up, and when he does, invariably goes off at half-cock leaving some other poor wanker to clean up the mess he's made.

Brendan Shumway, from the USA, writes:
Ratzenberger elected Pope. Great piece, Dale. Glad to see some of the former Spoof writers are still at it. From a former Spoof writer, now retired.
Dale Petrie replies: Thanks, glad to be back, and kudos of course to our fine Utterpants editors who so beautifully polished my piece into the work of art is it today.  Hope this summer will bring some more "divine" inspiration!

'Elisa' (17) from Dallas, in Texas, in the USA, writes:
re: Anal scourge sweeps Britain! How can these women be dumb enough to let them do will get them sick. I have heard very horrible stories about this and it just terrifies me. Women should respect themselves more.
Most British girls are Chavs, Elisa. Respect is not a word that's in their limited vocabulary.

'Chester', from San Bernardino, California, in the USA, writes:
Anal scourge sweeps Britain! is an extremely valuable article. It is chock-a-block full of pertinent and relevant information regarding this loathsomely obscene depraved pursuit. If God had intended woman to delight in this unmentionable charnel activity he would have endowed them with a prostate ! Buggery is exclusively a manly pursuit dangmit!
Where we need to be especially vigilant is in regard to crypto feminists wielding strap-on dildos held in place with steel riveted leather harnesses! That scourge was not so much as addressed in this article. It remains crouched in the dark, waiting to ambush the dissolute libertine or hedonist sufficiently unwary to fall victim to its pathological unwholesomeness.
Ms Givings replies: Well, gosh, Chester, you clearly feel very strongly about being bowled from the pavillion end. Rest assured that the new and insidious scourge of strap-on lesbian buggery is one we will be laying bare very shortly—if not stripping completely naked and thoroughly probing with a well-lubricated, gloved hand.

'Don', from Urbana, in the USA, writes:
I dunno—something about G W Bush and a pretzel. Fucking hilarious. I think your site is mostly brilliant.
Jennifer 'Pickle lickin' Gardner replies: Well gee thanks, Don. If some dumbass, interfering do-gooder hadn't taught the First Lady the Heimlich manoeuvre we'd all be laughing by now.

'Alexandra' (15) from Cherokee, in the USA, writes:
Really, why would anyone pay almost a million dollars for skanky, poptart flavoured panties washed only twice (other than dirty old Japanese men) when you can easlily buy a well worn pair from your teen babysitter for twenty bucks and a six pack (that's the going rate I'm told by the OTHER babysitters I work with) and I'll—er, I mean she'll, take them off in front of you to assure you of the freshness (or unfreshness) of the kitty covers. Believe me, they all are pretty much the same in the smell department (who are you kidding we know what you men do with them!) But....if I had a million dollars...
You do seem to have a bit of a thing about knickers, Alex. In order to convince our readers that you're not really a balding, 200lb, fifty-seven-year-old Okee meatpacker with bad breath, you really should send us a snap of yourself—preferably in a pair of your scrummy Barney the Dinosaur panties.

'Peter', from Canberra, in Australia, writes:
Child sex: why are we so fucked up about it? What you expressed about the topic, to me has been like a breath of fresh air. I was going to say more about it, but after reading, what can I add? You said it all. So, in a few words: In today's guilt-ridden and increasingly suspicious world, it is wonderful that there are people who are willing and able to express opinions that take us back to some sort of normality and sanity. I congratulate you and support fully everything you have said and am really glad to have found your site, just by chance.
It is not often that intelligent readers show their appreciation in this tangible
way, which makes it doubly enjoyable that you took the time to share your
thoughts with us, thank you, Peter.

'Maria', from London, writes:
I work for the BBC. I've heard that the return of Chris Evans to Radio 2 for Easter was a disaster. The BBC have been inundated with complaints about him and the show. We don't expect him and his cronies back!
Alex DeVille replies: What a thrill to receive your interesting note regarding my 'Tsunami Victims beg Chris Evans to stay off Air' article.
You may like to know that I once owned a Persian cat called Maria, but sadly she passed away after an unlucky encounter with a small Turkish child. Sadly, I have to inform you and your hardworking colleagues at the British Broadcasting Corporation that I have recently received some 'inside information' from BH which may prove unsettling. Chris 'titwank' Evans will shortly be returning to national broadcasting via the airwaves of a well-known BBC station. Before you reply asking if he will replace 'Steve Wright in the Afternoon' on a weekday basis, please don't! I am not allowed to leak that information until the summer.

You may also be interested to know that early figures from RAJAR indicate that Chris 'titwank' Evans scored high ratings during his mind numbing three hour Easter weekend ramble on the 'Big Show'. I personally thought he was fucking awful as did my gay-sex partner Harold.

Now the good news. Chris will broadcast the new two-hour afternoon show (featuring laddism', fast talk, multiple characters, quizzes, true stories and forty-five minutes of non-stop oldies) from his home so there is little chance you will bump into the annoying fuckcat at the BBC café. I'm sure that will come as very welcome news for you and your co-workers!

'Rajani', from Newcastle upon Tyne, in the UK, writes:
I thought Anal scourge sweeps Britain! was awesome! The author is amazing, I wish I could write like that.. Keep it up!

'Alexandra' (15) from Cherokee, in the USA, writes again:
I know I knew Japanese teenagers sold their smelly panties to dirty old men but British teens??? Come on! As a dirty little dyke myself I find it hard to believe British girls would sell their stinky panties (and they do stink!!) to anyone let alone a perfect stranger, but if they do well...more power to you sister!!!
Surely you're not suggesting we made this story up, Alexandra?

'Alexandria', from Clinton, in the USA writes:
I thought your 'Britney Spears pregnant' story was hilarious. I read it and I just couldn't stop laughing through the whole thing. Her naming her kid Broccoli and everything was so funny. I loved it!
There's hope for America when fifteen-year-old girls like you can recognise the sleazy skankpussy for the clueless fraud she is, Alex.

'Martha', from Seattle, in the USA, writes:
I'm 36 years old and I wear pretty, flowered panties and they come down when I get my bare bottom paddled by my mom. I really enjoy it but when I'm really bad that's when I get paddled extra hard and I can't get enough of it.
You American girls really do seem to enjoy being spanked. No wonder most of you are so very naughty.

Lorne, from Perth, in Scotland, writes:
Great story! I am in the Black Watch and I loved your canny wee story — 'George W Bush slams Tony Blair'. I laughed so much I pissed my kilt.
Derek Tree replies. Glad you enjoyed it, Lorne. We like nothing better than taking the piss out of George Bush and Tony Bliar. Recent events in Iraq provided me with an ideal opportunity to do both while also having a go at the hypocrisy of the war and the perfidy of the British. Your appreciation also encouraged me to revise the story and bring it up to date. Scotland rules!

Joe, from Virginia Beach, USA, writes:
I just found your site but was not aware that Britney Spears has found religion. My admiration for her grows with each pound she packs on. Thanks, your site is totally awesome.
We all love the fat-arsed, Cheetoe-munching little skankpussy, too, Joe.

'Tanya', from Indiana, USA, writes:
I always came up with a way to lie to my mother and always got out of a well deserved and much needed spanking. Now, I realize that I missed an important part of a good childhood and wish my mother would pull my panties down, take a big paddle and put me over her knee and spank me till I cried.
Cried, Tanya? Surely you mean moaned?!

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© 2006 /010305
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