Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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'Sean', from Calgary, Canada, writes:
Old world sources can more than likely be blamed for the immense imbalance in our society. I am a single father of a three-year-old boy who is the light of my life. Anyone who complains about your Child Sex article as being inapropriate is still supporting one of the many global problems that plague society. Thanks for your bravery!
Thank you, Sean. We're glad to say that for every negative comment we've received about this article, we've had three positive ones like yours.

'Richo' from Newcastle, Australia writes: Fuck off to the shower you pommy bastard. The only thing I hear from Aussie sheilas at the end of six hours pounding is get off me before I break in half.
Presumably because they have to bend so far over to feel your tiny shrimp flailing about in their love tunnel that they rick their necks?

'Nick' from the USA writes: American Arseholes as you call them saved your sorry fucking asses. Tell you what, if it had not been for us American arseholes you would be speaking fucking German. Get a clue! Your site is mostly crap.
I don't know what it is about the picture caption that accompanies our Anal Scouge Sweeps Britain story, but it certainly seems to get you young American lads hot and bothered. It's curious that you should mention Germans since your country currently appears to be run by Nazis who are creating a great deal of weltschmerz and seem to be deriving condsiderable schadenfreude from it. I suggest you look those two words up as you don't appear to speak German.

'Rodney', from the UK, writes: Britney told to lose weight What the heck? No way is this story true right? I mean having to eat carbohydrates until the cows come home and then having to make love just for burning calories. Does this disease really exits?(sic)
You don't think we'd make up a story like that do you, Rodders? Next you'll be telling us you don't believe Britney weighs 170lbs, smokes 2 packs of Marlboro Lites a day and has just made a porno flick with Christina Aguilera and a cute pedigree Chow called 'Bob'?

'Dodgierog', from New Zealand, writes: Scurge of buggery in the UK. A damned good laugh at the end of a hard day.TA!
Glad you liked it, 'Rog'. Even though 'Anal Scourge sweeps Britain' was written over eight months ago, it is still one of our most popular stories. I can't imagine why...

'Umar', from Karachi, in Pakistan writes:
Your site rocks! It makes net-surfing a great experience. It would be the number one reason why I would want to use Internet. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves is a hilarious story. Bravo Miranda S Givings and Keli McTaggart... Can you write some more?
Miranda replies: Well, gosh, Umar, you've made a girl very happy! The biggest kick an author gets is writing; the second biggest is the knowledge that someone has read and really enjoyed their work. Keli and I love Fairy Stories so you can be sure more will be forthcoming.

'Mary' from the USA writes:
i think it is very rude and mean of you to say that all Australian men have small dicks. The reason that i am angry is because i am in love with an Aussie man and we have not had sex yet. If any of it is true then what am i supposed to do about it?
i think your site is fucking awful.
Well of course it's true, Mary; you don't think we make this stuff up, do you? Clearly you have a big problem, or possibly a very small problem, depending upon your expectations. If you don't know your boyfriend well enough to buy him a willy pump you may have to resign yourself to playing with yourself in order to reach an orgasm. But that shouldn't affect your relationship as it's what 92% of American girls end up doing anyway if they're dumb enough to marry an Australian. Alternatively, you could dump the tosser and find yourself a British boyfriend, who are almost all hung like donkeys, or so they claim.

'John' from Warrington, in the UK writes:
Tony said at the start of the Iraq war that it would be a blood price worth paying. So why are people now complaining? Leave Tony alone he knows how to run the country. Just look at the benefits we have; NHS, no waiting lists, people operated on the same day the illness occurs. All our children leaving school with a fantastic education. No crime, immigration at worryingly low levels, taxes at the lowest rate since Roman times, homelessness unknown and people living until they are 300 years old. What a (straight kind of) guy.
Gosh John, when you put it like that it really brings home what an ungrateful, whining bunch of girls blouses we all are. No wonder the Prime Minister had a heart attack.

'Claire' from Manchester, in the UK writes:
I found your 'Girl shaved just for kicks' article so funny and so true! The first time I looked at my shaved vulva I felt sick! ha ha, it did not look like a porno vagina at all; more like a piece of old meat. I'm glad I'm not the only woman to have experienced this!!!
We feel it will come as no shock to you Claire, that 'porno pussies' are manufactured from surplus silicone left over from US celebrity 'boob jobs' in a secret plant in Ohio. But keep it under your hat, OK? Or everyone will want one.

'James' from Lewiston, Idaho, in the US, writes: I read your story about you shaving your pussy, so you could at least have posted a picture of it after painting us such a mental picture..
Well we did, James, but it's hidden under the stars and stripes. If you look closely you should just be able to see Jennifer's 'G-spot' under Idaho.

'Pantherinchief' from Huntsville, Ontario, in Canada, writes:
i bet ur a man hatin lesbian type who'd get all upset if i stapled a live bunny rabbit by its ears to your bedroom door n laughed about it over a steamy cup of cocoa ahh.. i love Christmas.
As you enjoyed our 'Anyone want stuffing?' story so much, you'll adore Easter when we British girls cover our men's willies in melted chocolate. Unfortunately accidents do happen and many girls end up biting off more than they can swallow.

'Veronica', from Memphis, Tennessee, writes:
I think Jennifer Hawkins' crown should be taken away. I have a 13 year old niece that looks up to any Miss America, etc., etc. Miss Universe should be a role model for girls of all ages. Posing in a magazine naked is not role model like.
But rubbing your crotch while screaming fans are praying your boobs will pop out of your top, is? We are, of course referring to the on-stage antics of America's former pop princess and 'resting' porn tartlet, Britney Spears. You really should get out more, Veronica; preferably as far away from Tennessee as possible. You might even discover that there are other countries where posing naked is not viewed as a fast track one-way ticket straight to Hell.

'Joe' from Dallas, in Texas, writes: How dare you call George W Bush a typical American arsehole? It's a shame you look for any reason to bash our President, while we on the other hand love the British People and Tony Blaire. I guess it will take you losers the same amount of time to come around as it did in the 1940's. I think your site is mostly crap and will not be visiting again.
Prepare yourself for a shock, Joe. Not only do we dare call George Bush an 'arsehole', most Britons think Tony Blair (the e is silent by the way) is an even bigger bum for brown nosing the scumbucketing old wankrag. The only reason you 'love' the British people is because you haven't met any. Trust me, we're all fucking awful.

'Erthona' from Austin, Texas, writes: Regardless of how your shaved pussy looks to you Jen, my tongue would continue to vibrate much longer and more often upon it, in its shaved condition. So in this case, beauty is in the eye of the beaverholder. Of course if you don't want to be eaten out about tons as often, let the hair grow back.
We've passed your kind offer on to Jennifer Gardner who assures us she will be in touch with you just as soon as she's had a chance to view the video you sent her.

'Anonymous High School Girl' from California, in the USA, writes: You should be ashamed of yourselves!! Your story 'Bricklayer hits the Jackpot' is a takeoff, and not a very good one, on Gerard Hofnung's WORLD FAMOUS story. You're apparently Brits, and should certainly know better. You've even left out his best line, "At that point, I must have lost my presence of mind." Ask your dads and granddads, they'll set you straight. Then go listen to him tell it on his record. Ask your dad what a record was....
Oh dear, we have got our Winnie the Pooh panties in a twist haven't we? What is it with you American High School Girls; too much teen angst, not enough sex or are you all simply trying to model yourselves on Alicia Silverstein in Clueless? You might at least have taken the trouble to get your facts straight before putting your foot in your mouth—or possibly your bottom. Gerard Hoffnung, not 'Hofnung', was not English, but a German Jew who fled to London from Nazi Germany in 1939 at the age of 14. (He died in 1959 by the way).

By the time he read out his 'Sick Note' to the Oxford Union on December 4th 1958— not 'The Bricklayer', which is a title he never used; written by Pat Cooksey, by the way, and not Hoffnung, the story was already well established as an urban legend. Hundreds of comedians had cited it as an actual letter that had been received by some government agency as early as 1937. In 1940 the story appeared in Readers Digest as an actual letter supposed to have been received by a naval officer from an enlisted man who was explaining why he had overstayed his leave. This version of the story had the victim working on a silo on his parents' farm. Other versions had the victim asking for compensation for no less than six accidents.

In any event, the story itself originated with neither Gerard Hoffnung nor Pat Cooksey, although both deserve credit for putting it into succinct form. The Cooksey version, by the way, is sung to a traditional Irish tune, 'In the Garden Where the Praties Grow.' Since the advent of the Internet, the story has mutated and spread to every corner of the earth, and is still mutating and spreading, of which our version is just one example, and by no means the least amusing—or so the many thousands of readers who have enjoyed it, tell us.

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© 2006 /010105
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