'Sean', from Calgary, Canada, writes:
Old world sources can more than likely be blamed for the immense imbalance
in our society. I am a single father of a three-year-old boy who is
the light of my life. Anyone who complains about your Child
Sex article as being inapropriate is still supporting one of the
many global problems that plague society. Thanks for your bravery!
Thank you, Sean. We're glad to say that for
every negative comment we've received about this article, we've had
three positive ones like yours.
'Richo' from Newcastle, Australia writes:
Fuck off to the shower you pommy bastard. The only thing I hear
from Aussie sheilas at
the end of six hours pounding is get off me before I break in half.
Presumably because they have to bend so far
over to feel your tiny shrimp flailing about in their love tunnel that
they rick their necks?
'Nick' from the USA writes: American
Arseholes as you call them saved your sorry fucking asses. Tell
you what, if it had not been for us American arseholes you would be
speaking fucking German. Get a clue! Your site is mostly crap.
I don't know what it is about the picture caption
that accompanies our
Anal Scouge Sweeps Britain story, but it certainly seems to get
you young American lads hot and bothered. It's curious that you should
mention Germans since your country currently appears to be run by Nazis
who are creating a great deal of weltschmerz and seem to be deriving
condsiderable schadenfreude from it. I suggest you look those two words
up as you don't appear to speak German.
'Rodney', from the UK, writes: Britney
told to lose weight What the heck? No way is this story true right?
I mean having to eat carbohydrates until the cows come home and then
having to make love just for burning calories. Does this disease really
You don't think we'd make up a story like that
do you, Rodders? Next you'll be telling us you don't believe Britney
weighs 170lbs, smokes 2 packs of Marlboro Lites a day and has just made
a porno flick with Christina Aguilera and a cute pedigree Chow called
'Dodgierog', from New Zealand, writes: Scurge of buggery
in the UK. A damned good laugh at the end of a hard day.TA!
Glad you liked it, 'Rog'. Even though 'Anal
Scourge sweeps Britain' was written over eight months ago, it is
still one of our most popular stories. I can't imagine why...
'Umar', from Karachi, in Pakistan writes:
Your site rocks! It makes net-surfing a great experience. It
would be the number one reason why I would want to use Internet. Snow
White and the Seven Dwarves is a hilarious story. Bravo Miranda
S Givings and Keli
McTaggart... Can you write some more?
Miranda replies: Well, gosh,
Umar, you've made a girl very happy! The biggest kick an author gets
is writing; the second biggest is the knowledge that someone has read
and really enjoyed their work. Keli and I love Fairy Stories so you
can be sure more will be forthcoming.
'Mary' from the USA writes:
i think it is very rude and mean of you to say that all
Australian men have small dicks. The reason that i am angry is because
i am in love with an Aussie man and we have not had sex yet. If any
of it is true then what am i supposed to do about it?
i think your site is fucking awful.
Well of course it's true, Mary; you don't think
we make this stuff up, do you? Clearly you have a big problem, or possibly
a very small problem, depending upon your expectations. If you don't
know your boyfriend well enough to buy him a willy pump you may have
to resign yourself to playing
with yourself in order to reach an orgasm. But that shouldn't affect
your relationship as it's what 92% of American girls end up doing anyway
if they're dumb enough to marry an Australian. Alternatively, you could
dump the tosser and find yourself a British boyfriend, who are almost
like donkeys, or so they claim.
'John' from Warrington, in the UK writes:
Tony said at the start
of the Iraq war that it would be a blood price worth paying. So
why are people now complaining? Leave Tony alone he knows how to run
the country. Just look at the benefits we have; NHS, no waiting lists,
people operated on the same day the illness occurs. All our children
leaving school with a fantastic education. No crime, immigration
at worryingly low levels, taxes at the lowest rate since Roman times,
homelessness unknown and people living until they are 300 years old.
a (straight kind of) guy.
Gosh John, when you put it like that it
really brings home what an ungrateful, whining bunch of girls blouses
we all are. No wonder the Prime Minister had a heart attack.
'Claire' from Manchester, in the UK writes:
I found your 'Girl
shaved just for kicks' article so funny and so true! The first time
I looked at my shaved vulva I felt sick! ha ha, it did not look like
a porno vagina at all; more like a piece of old meat. I'm glad I'm not
the only woman to have experienced this!!!
We feel it will come as no shock to you Claire, that
'porno pussies' are manufactured from surplus silicone left over from
celebrity 'boob jobs' in a secret plant in Ohio. But keep it under
your hat, OK? Or everyone will want one.
'James' from Lewiston, Idaho, in the US, writes: I
read your story about you shaving
your pussy, so you could at least have posted a picture of it after
painting us such a mental picture..
Well we did, James, but it's hidden under the
stars and stripes. If you look closely you should just be able to see
Jennifer's 'G-spot' under Idaho.
'Pantherinchief' from Huntsville, Ontario, in Canada, writes:
i bet ur a man hatin lesbian type who'd get all upset if i
stapled a live bunny rabbit by its ears to your bedroom door n laughed
about it over a steamy cup of cocoa ahh.. i love Christmas.
As you enjoyed our 'Anyone
want stuffing?' story so much, you'll adore Easter when we British
girls cover our men's
willies in melted chocolate. Unfortunately accidents do happen and
many girls end up biting off more than they can swallow.
'Veronica', from Memphis, Tennessee, writes:
I think Jennifer
Hawkins' crown should be taken away. I have a 13 year old niece
that looks up to any Miss America, etc., etc. Miss Universe should be
a role model for girls of all ages. Posing in a magazine naked is not
role model like.
your crotch while screaming fans are praying your
boobs will pop out of your top, is? We are, of course referring
to the on-stage antics of America's former pop princess and 'resting'
porn tartlet, Britney
Spears. You really should get out more, Veronica; preferably as
far away from Tennessee as possible. You might even discover that there
are other countries where posing naked is not viewed as a fast track
ticket straight to Hell.
'Joe' from Dallas, in Texas, writes: How dare you
W Bush a typical American arsehole? It's a shame you look for any
reason to bash our President, while we on the other hand love the British
People and Tony
Blaire. I guess it will take you losers the same amount of time
to come around as it did in the 1940's. I think your site is mostly
crap and will not be visiting again.
Prepare yourself for a shock, Joe. Not only
do we dare call George
Bush an 'arsehole', most Britons think Tony
Blair (the e is silent by the way) is an even bigger bum for brown
nosing the scumbucketing old wankrag. The only reason you 'love' the
British people is because you haven't met any. Trust me, we're all fucking
'Erthona' from Austin, Texas, writes: Regardless of
how your shaved
pussy looks to you Jen, my tongue would continue to vibrate
much longer and more often upon it, in its shaved condition. So
in this case, beauty is in the eye of the beaverholder. Of course if
you don't want to be eaten out about tons as often, let the hair grow
We've passed your kind offer on to Jennifer
Gardner who assures us she will be in touch with you just as soon
as she's had a chance to view the video you sent her.
'Anonymous High School Girl' from California,
in the USA, writes: You should be ashamed of yourselves!! Your
hits the Jackpot' is a takeoff, and not a very good one, on Gerard
Hofnung's WORLD FAMOUS story. You're apparently Brits, and should certainly
know better. You've even left out his best line, "At that point,
I must have lost my presence of mind." Ask your dads and granddads,
they'll set you straight. Then go listen to him tell it on his record.
Ask your dad what a record was....
Oh dear, we have got our Winnie
the Pooh panties in a twist haven't we? What is it with you American
High School Girls; too much teen angst, not enough sex or are you
all simply trying to model yourselves on Alicia Silverstein in Clueless?
You might at least have taken the trouble to get your facts straight
before putting your foot in your mouth—or possibly your bottom.
Gerard Hoffnung, not 'Hofnung', was not English, but
a German Jew who fled to London from Nazi Germany in 1939 at the age
of 14. (He died in 1959 by the way).
By the time he read out his 'Sick Note'
to the Oxford Union on December 4th 1958— not 'The
Bricklayer', which is a title he never used; written
by Pat Cooksey, by the way, and not Hoffnung, the story was
already well established as an urban legend. Hundreds of comedians had
cited it as an actual letter that had been received by some government
agency as early as 1937. In 1940 the story appeared in Readers
Digest as an actual letter supposed to have been received
by a naval officer from an enlisted man who was explaining why he had
overstayed his leave. This version of the story had the victim working
on a silo on his parents' farm. Other versions had the victim asking
for compensation for no less than six accidents.
In any event, the story itself originated with neither
Gerard Hoffnung nor Pat Cooksey, although both deserve credit for putting
it into succinct form. The Cooksey version, by the way, is sung to a
traditional Irish tune, 'In the Garden Where the Praties
Grow.' Since the advent of the Internet, the story has
mutated and spread to every corner of the earth, and is still mutating
and spreading, of which our version is just one example, and by no means
the least amusing—or so the many thousands of readers who have
enjoyed it, tell us.