Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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'Shelly' from the USA, writes: I loved your Pussy stops pussy Play story. Very odd tale! I could not help laughing! Wow, sounds like a nice toy Jennifer has got there. Puts my pootang to shame!
We're glad you enjoyed the story, Shelly. If nothing else it proves that not only should actors never work with animals, housesitters should not play with 'rabbits' when there are cats in the house!

'Connie' from the USA, writes: I'm not sure how much of a health risk to women wearing thongs is. Maybe if they didn't bounce around so much it would limit the infections?
You have put your finger on the problem, 'Connie'. As Georgia Prince pointed out in her article, vigorous exercise whilst wearing a thong is incredibly reckless. One could cut off the circulation to a woman's best friend!

'Mel' from Kerhonkson in the USA, writes: How the hell can red bull get u pregnate i mean doesn’t that mean your kids are going to look like bulls because it's bull sperm they are just finding a reason to blame them getting drunk and getting knocked up by some guy they can't remember because they were so drunk basically they want money and how can u believe them? Most cheerleaders are sluts and they just want money so they need something to blame it on since they can't get any money from the guy they don’t know.
Our readers may find it even harder to believe that you are so retarded you not only swallowed our bull, but went to the trouble to tell us about it in English which would shame a pregnant, illiterate cheerleader.

'Jenn' (23) from Taunton, in the USA, writes:
I loved that story about people becoming teens again. I wish I could do that. I'd much rather have spankings now and then bear the responsibilities of adulthood.
If you would be kind enough to send us a recent snap of your bottom I feel sure that there would be no shortage of volunteers to make your wish come true, 'Jenn'.

'Trage' from Hamilton, New Zealand, writes: Those pesky roo brothers are hung like donkeys, so my sister says but nothing that twelve inches wouldn't cure.
I'm not entirely sure whether you're referring to the well-known Australian marsupial; the kangaroo, or its near relation, the wallaby. In either case I can assure you that unless these cuddly bush babies have rotating todgers with vibrating 'ears' they will never provide the satisfaction every girl dreams of and so rarely receives. Our male readers may like to know that the Wallaby ( Halmaturus), chiefly inhabits the wooded districts and bushy plains of Australia, which will come as no surprise to those lucky ladies who already own a deluxe, six-speed 'roo'.

'Zahid' from Lahore, in Pakistan, writes: I'm totally impressed by your Anal Scourge sweeps Britain article. It's so true. I must admit I tried the tradesman's entrance a few times, only for discovery, but completely gave up asking my g/f's for it after I realized they were only doing it to please me, but they felt awful, and had great discomfort during and afterwards. So I stopped altogether. Now I'm happily married and would never contemplate putting my lovely wife through this disgusting practice again. Its just simply not only unfair, but downright cruel. Your site is totally awesome!
'Zahid's letter has won him a guided tour of Cadbury's production facility in Bourneville and the free bum sticker shown above for his lovely wife. Remember, ladies, your back door is designed for putting out the trash - not taking it in!

'Drake', from Tennessee in the USA, writes: I have recently had the pleasure of reading your novelette 'The Day the Earth Moved.' It seems to be a cautionary tale. First and foremost to make sure you have not tucked your skirt into your knickers. Secondly, a warning to young women not to drink brown semen from an Alien with two dicks. Whereas I thoroughly enjoy it when a lady does the first, I can see how it may get her into large amount of trouble. Men tend to enjoy seeing young women in their underwear. For example, I give you the explosion in popularity of all things Victoria’s Secret here in the US. I would suggest that only approximately 25% of those catalogues actually are either mailed to women, or make it to the woman of the house. All in all I found this story quite a page turner. I not only enjoyed your graphic depictions of raw alien sex, but the added spice of light lesbianism. Also, your descriptions of knickers gave me a weird feeling down there. Thank you very much for allowing us to read your wonderful stories. Now if you will excuse me I feel the need to eat some chocolate.
I was so bowled over by your fullsome eulogy, 'Drake', that I had to change my underwear. I am sending it to you in a plain, brown envelope together with a packet of chocolate hobnobs. Should either item succeed in abducting an alien with two willies please call me immediately on 0909-665-1927.

'Brenda' (19) from Warren in the USA, writes: I've just read your Britney told to lose weight story. Nice BS story you fucking morons. I think your site is fucking awful!
One of the joys of writing about the antics of America's most famous pop princess is the knowledge that her remaining fans are even dimmer than the todger-teasing tart herself. We suspect that 'Brenda' was less upset by Brianna Bank's story than by discovering that the only reliable way to lose weight is to have more sex; not easy if you weigh 200 pounds and have a face like a horses arse.

'Rebecca' (22) of Seattle, in the USA, writes: Dutch tell Britney Spears to spice up her act. This is shit n i dont believe that any of this is true. i think its so horrible that you people waste your time making up stories about Britney Spears. i think your site is fucking awful and will never visit again.
You do seem to have your knickers in a twist, Rebecca. I don't know which is funnier - your reaction to the suggestion that Britney Spears is a bit of a masturbater, or the fact that you think our story might be true! Just think, Rebecca is old enough to vote! I swear that if clueless American girls didn't exist, we'd have to invent them. They provide us with so much comedy gold!

'Lee' from the USA writes: Please remove your article on the President. You guys are phenomenal and I don't want you to get in a law suit or lose your rights to publish.
Our lawyers, Messrs. Grabbitt, Rookem & Leggitte, have asked us to point out that President G W Bush does not yet exercise jurisdiction over the dominions of Her Divine Majestiness Queen Liz II. Consequently there is about as much chance of us being sued for publishing tall stories about the Texan Tosser as you have of getting into Ms Givings pants.

Lynn from Merseyside, in the UK, writes: Thongs: a health risk. I think that the proof is in the pudding. I have worn thongs for the last six years every day. Well almost. I have never had any inflamation, infection or lacerations. It could be the fact that I only have one sexual partner. Or maybe it's because I pay attention to personal hygiene. Maybe it's just the individuals wearing them.
It's curious that you should mention 'pudding', Lynn, as the latest research reveals a distressing increase in the number of cases of infection, lacerations, 'chocolate tummy' and 'ring sting' being reported by young women who wear thongs and take regular deliveries via the 'tradesman's entrance'. Provided that you resist any pressure from your partner to slip into the back door you should be OK.

'Kira Jia' from the USA, writes:
'Child Sex: why are we so fucked up about it' was a Masterpiece article. Please don't ever stop illumining upon this theme. Did you know that the word 'pervert' derives from the Greek 'prevent'. i.e., the Ancient Grecians knew that if preventatives were placed upon natural liberties, perversions would be the side-effect? The misled 'more-ill majority' have got to stop foisting upon this world and the youth, a hell worse than any afterlife could facilitate. A life wherein one carries as a temple a sexual identity and yet is denied the expression of it.
It is a rare pleasure to receive such an intelligent, open-minded and positive response to one of our serious articles, 'Kira'. An author cannot possibly ask for any greater reward than this — thank you!

'Michelle' from North Hollywood, in the USA, writes:
When I was a child, young girl growing up...sure, there were those in the 'crowd' that were doing a little bit of 'exploring'...holding hands, kissing, etc., however, I do NOT agree with your bullshit about Child Sex! Since the beginning of mankind, young girls have had their periods at rather young ages, which was to accommodate the circumstances way back with the creation of mankind. Humanity has, in fact, ivolved(sic), whether or not young girls continue to reach puberty at young ages, or not. I do not agree with young kids, adolescents having any kind of Child Sex! I think you're a stupid bitch, with a foul fucking mouth looking for excuses for yourself and the rest of the whores in the Nation for conducting themselves in an immoral, disrespectful manner! People like you make me sick!

'Bec' from Durham, UK, writes:
I was Google searching for new ideas for wrapping presents and instead I found a story that could have been written about this year's exploits: Wrapping Presents with a Cat... Beep the Cat I love you, but no presents for you this year!!
We're delighted you enjoyed the story, Bec. Much as we love pussies on this website they do have their drawbacks. Have you thought of getting a dog? They may not be as much fun but they do stay put!

'John' from Sterling Heights, USA, writes:
I want to see pictures of boobs. Thats funny how Tara Reid's boob came out of her shirt. can you take pictures of other singers like haliry duff, britney spears, lindsay lohan, jessica simpson, ashley simpson and jaime spears naked or can you add a page on this site that i cant get to see these singers boobs? please put a page on this site that show these girls naked with no close on please.
If you really want to see boobs, and you have cable, all you have to do is flip to CNN or CSpan and watch your Government officials in action. These boobs may not make your willy hard but you'll be so depressed over the state of your country, you're guaranteed not to have another erection for another three and a half years, thereby saving you many hours searching for porn on Internet.

'Doug' from Wyong, Australia, writes:
I used to be a britney fan but now i hate her im into kick ass band's like creed disturbed staind cold (NOT COLDPLAY JUST COLD} our lady peace Rob Zombie placebo so in our alliance of hating brit could you add a nude section of her such nip slip's and pic's of her ass crack haning out her pant's.
Our resident rapper, B J Pickle replies: Staind is okay, and OLP, Zombie, Disturbed and Creed are all mildly tolerable, but what do you mean not Coldplay?!? How do you expect us to tackle your serious sexual problems when your neuroses go so much deeper than Britney Spears?

'Andrew' from Southampton, writes:
I think this bill to ban cold weather is every bit as scandalous as the war crimes committed by Blair and Bush. It's a total infringement of fundamental human rights. At the end of the day we should all have the choice of whether the weather is cold or warm. Surely it's in the public interest for the rights of every Briton to be protected from such outlandish proposals? I say we need cold weather — it's traditional, hopefully the media will intervene.
Well, we did intervene, Andrew. We wrote to the Home Secretary as soon as we received your comments to vigorously protest this outrageous infringement of every Englishman's right to freeze his nuts off. Unfortunately, we foolishly omitted to include any snaps of attractive Americans wanting to fastrack their visa applications so it may be some time before he replies.

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© 2006 /011104
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