Biting satire, funny stories and humor
Utterpants readers tell us why they came in our pants
Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
We can assure you that the letters in our Pantypost bag are all absolutely genuine. No, really, they are, trust us. Some of them just sound like utter pants.
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'Patricia' from Dublin, in Ireland, writes:
As a 27 year old woman who had never been as much as smacked all her life it came as a grave shock to me when, after a heated discussion with my mother over different topics, I ended up over her knee and was soundly spanked and told that: 'I should have done that 20 years ago.' I'm not saying anything for or against spanking, but I've been minding my Ps and Qs in front of my Mum ever since!
We won't ask what you were searching for that took you to our story, Patricia, but in return for not revealing your telephone number to our readers, perhaps you'd be kind enough to send us a few snaps the next time you're naughty so our panel of experts can judge whether or not you're being punished properly?

'Jamie' from 'No City', in the UK writes:
Child sex: why are we so fucked up about it was the most REDICULESS artical i have EVER read. its NOT right for children to be having sex at such a younge age, that would take away their childhood and EVERYTHING.. you people dont want to be called petifiles so you make up this lame ass artical and OMG who ever made this artical realyl pissed me off. im 15, and i wouldnt want to have sex when im like. 8 or even 12? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.
You wouldn't happen to be an illiterate, sexually frustrated, twenty-seven year old male Rethuglican from Ohio, would you? One just can't tell on the Net, can one? Unless fashions have radically changed among fifteen-year-old girls, 'lame ass', and 'OMG' are not part of the teen vernacular on this side of the pond. Your use of them clearly reveals that your identity is as 'made up' as your innovative spelling and grammar, which is more than we can say for your comments, which prove only too painfully that you have not read the article you're complaining about. Our readers will no doubt be interested to learn that you gave a US Yahoo email address, were using a PC equipped with US Windows 9x and browsing with US Netscape 7.1.

Jenni Trent Hughes of London, writes: I was going to be appearing on Question Time a couple of weeks ago and I came across your hilariously amusing site where you described me as the 'so-called writer Jenni Trent Hughes' :) I tend to be one of those people that a lot of people don't know the name of and then when they see me they say 'oh HER!' I LOVE HER!!!! or GOOD GOD I HATE HER!!!!!! The reason I found your TV Guide in the first place was because once a month I do a Google on myself just to check which scurrilous rumours are wafting through cyberspace on my behalf. But now that I have found you I vill be back! Keep up the good work!
Blame Alex DeVille. He's a simply dreadful, cynical old bigot and professional sot. I only publish his appallingly insulting scribblings because he pays me huge wodges of cash. If I really cared a fig about truthful journalism I would tender you a groveling apology and explain to our readers that not only are you NOT a 'so-called writer', you are one of the best-known faces on British daytime television and a HarperCollins published author with a proper ISBN number (0-00-717370-9), with a copy in the British Library. But as I'm a cheap, lying slut I won't. You may not be a very good writer, or to everyone's taste, but calling you ''so-called' is plainly untrue. And we all know that everything on utterpants is true, don't we?

"Craig" from Preston, UK writes: The author's stance on Kiddie Fiddling is totally correct. It reminds me a little of a Brass Eye episode a while back — oh how I laughed. I wrote something along these lines myself a while back, but yes, thumbs up. If the Sun ever see this and mistake it as a pro-paedophilia article, fuck 'em.
Thanks for those kind comments, Craig. It's nice to know that not everyone wants to live in the bizarre parallel universe Sun readers apparently inhabit.

"Fricka" from Ireland writes: What a vile and disgusting site. I only stumbled across the site whilst trying to research 'the sexual life of the pholcidae', and it probably psychologically maimed me for life, apart from the fact that I will never get to heaven now. You should all be utterly ashamed of your vile and filthy minds!
Gosh, er, 'Fricka', we don't think we've ever had higher praise than that. 'Maimed for life' exceeds our wildest expectations (ed).

"Russell", from Pennsylvania writes: What exactly are utterpants?
We're glad you've asked this question because our name seems to confuse quite a few of your countrymen, 'Russell.' We can do no better than refer you to the erudite Dr Johnson, not Samuel of lexicographical fame, but the chiropodist who does Ms Giving's feet.
Utter pants, Pants. Noun/Adj. Nonsense, rubbish. Colloquial British English admitted into the Oxford English Dictionary in 1996.
Origin unknown. First used by the British tabloid press in the early 1990's. 'Pants' as a synonym is also prefixed with other adjectives such as 'total' and 'complete'. e.g., "The first half of the game was total pants, but the second half was great." The word is usually employed as an exclamation of annoyance or frustration. i.e., "You're talking complete pants!" (ed).

"Lesley" from Rhode Island, writes:
Admittedly, this e-mail is a few months late, but I just came across your sight (sic) today. I assume you might have done this on purpose for some reason, although I'm not really sure why, but you had a couple points of inaccuracy in your piece. I realize it's satire but I'm not really sure why you said this took place in Crawford, Texas when it actually took place in Las Vegas, Nevada. Perhaps even more perplexing, you put up a picture of Emmylou Harris in your Linda Ronstadt piece.
Well, gosh, 'Lesley', you've caught us with our pants down. The thing is, lovely Linda's such a recluse it took us until today to find a picture of her that wasn't either 30 years out of date or looked like the poor gal had been the victim of too many fish suppers. As we're kind of fond of the old chanteuse we figured a hot pic of yummy Emmylou was better than a snap of a horses arse; can you hold it against us? As for the change in venue, we simply couldn't find enough compassionate liberals in Vegas to make the story plausible. After all, everyone knows Texas folks are in a league of their own when it comes to dishing out the milk of human kindness. Why else would 150 million Americans have elected a Texan to the Presidency? (ed).

"Dave" from Australia writes:
Yesterday was Melbourne Cup Day in Aus. Got totally fucking pissed. Met two Manchester boys who know your website and we laughed our arses off at the stories. Mind you, we were really fucked up on bourbon.
For a website that prides itself on going 'down under' such praise from the antipodes is music to our ears (ed).

"Patriot" from the USA writes:
u r real sick fucks. dont u now your helping terrorists?
i am an american and proud of my great country. you fucking brit fucks you came crawlin when u need us to fight somebody whos whipping your ass. u wanna fucking grow up.
Wonderfully erudite, Patriot. Succinct and well thought out. Scintillating! (ed).

"Zuecreu" from the USA writes:
I thought some other sites were bad, but your one tops the cake for horrid. I heard it is a bunch of feminist women who ROAR all the time across the web about their "Site". I think it's time for the UK to shut down such a badtasting site with such ill tempered and child like owners and users. I heard AOL for kids still has a chat room, that seems that is all your site is good for anyway.You fucking women who consistantly (sic) think that themselves is better then everyone else really fucking annoy me. You people are the worst. You look down at everyone else and think your piddly little website is fucking a gift to earth that we should all bow down to your great load OF SHIT!!
That's quite a little gem, isn't it? Feel better now? You poor, dear boy. If a blowjob could teach you how to write and spell, I might volunteer my lips. For the sake of humanity, I mean. Clearly, your many problems (drug abuse, binge drinking, sexual inadequacy and low self esteem to name but a few) would tax the best minds in psychiatry. Unfortunately the best I can suggest is that you purchase one of these at your earliest convenience. Do let us know how you get on. (ed).

"Matt" from London, writes:
Most excellent, dear lady. As a huge fan of the Pythons I enjoyed this immensely!! (The Lingerie Shop Sketch) I had no idea there were so many different varieties of lady's knickers and the ending was a really neat touch.

"William" from the UK writes:
I've just seen the site and I just had to go and change my pants! Great site — should be worried. Good luck with the site - it's a breath of fresh air.

'Salon' who? (ed).
A fancy US magazine site. The thinking-woman's Cosmo.
If there are any 'thinking women' on there we have never seen thought so effectively disguised (ed).

"Lisa" from New York, USA writes:
i was repulsed by your noah story
i live in NYC....i do not support Bush.....not all Americans are stupid. not all Brits are smart/charming. you and your fucking hot teas with milk.....crumpets, no less.....i mean who the hell consumes those nasty globs of carbs when one could have a nice hot croissant? crumpets, and Brits who nosh them are gross, repulsive and outdated, JUST LIKE YOUR ROYALTY!!! grow up, and stop blaming good Americans for their bad president.
Of course not all Americans are stupid; isn't there that nice chap Arnie Schwarzenegger, in California? Perhaps you could make him President? As for 'carbs', the only crumpet on this website is Ms Givings, and the last person who attemped to 'nosh'on her, bit off rather more than he could swallow (ed).

"Miss Taken" from the UK writes:
Oh how true your story is!... (Anyone want stuffing?) I could tell you of the occasion when I was whisked away by a middle aged man with a penis the size of a jelly baby and the romantic inclinations of a donkey... but then I am sure you would understand what I mean without me writing about the whole limp affair! How I long for the day when a real man can take me firmly from behind...
We have passed you wish onto "Santa" who has promised to come down your chimney this year. Please let us know if his promise stands up (Ed)

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© 2004 /010604
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