from Dublin, in Ireland, writes:
As a 27 year old woman who had never been as much as smacked
all her life it came as a grave shock to me when, after a heated
discussion with my mother over different topics, I ended up over her
knee and was soundly spanked and told that: 'I should have done
that 20 years ago.' I'm not saying anything for or against spanking,
but I've been minding my Ps and Qs in front of my Mum ever since!
We won't ask what you were searching for that
took you to our story, Patricia, but in return for not revealing your
telephone number to our readers, perhaps you'd be kind enough to send
us a few snaps the next time you're naughty so our panel of experts
can judge whether or not you're being punished properly?
'Jamie' from 'No City', in the UK writes:
sex: why are we so fucked up about it was the most REDICULESS artical
i have EVER read. its NOT right for children to be having sex at such
a younge age, that would take away their childhood and EVERYTHING..
you people dont want to be called petifiles so you make up this lame
ass artical and OMG who ever made this artical realyl pissed me off.
im 15, and i wouldnt want to have sex when im like. 8 or even 12? WHAT
THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.
You wouldn't happen to be an illiterate, sexually
frustrated, twenty-seven year old male Rethuglican from Ohio, would
you? One just can't tell on the Net, can one? Unless fashions have radically
changed among fifteen-year-old girls, 'lame ass', and
'OMG' are not part of the teen vernacular
on this side of the pond. Your use of them clearly reveals
that your identity is as 'made up' as your innovative spelling and grammar,
which is more than we can say for your comments, which prove only too
painfully that you have not read the article you're complaining about.
Our readers will no doubt be interested to learn that you gave a US
Yahoo email address, were using a PC equipped with US Windows 9x and
browsing with US Netscape 7.1.
Jenni Trent Hughes of London, writes:
I was going to be appearing on Question
Time a couple of weeks ago and I came across your hilariously amusing
site where you described me as the 'so-called writer Jenni
Trent Hughes' :) I tend to be one of those people that a lot of
people don't know the name of and then when they see me they say 'oh
HER!' I LOVE HER!!!! or GOOD GOD I HATE HER!!!!!! The reason I found
TV Guide in the first place was because once a month I do a Google
on myself just to check which scurrilous rumours are wafting through
cyberspace on my behalf. But now that I have found you I vill be back!
Keep up the good work!
DeVille. He's a simply dreadful, cynical old bigot and professional
sot. I only publish his appallingly insulting scribblings because he
pays me huge wodges of cash. If I really cared a fig about truthful
journalism I would tender you a groveling apology and explain to our
readers that not only are you NOT a 'so-called writer',
you are one of the best-known faces on British daytime television and
published author with a proper ISBN number (0-00-717370-9),
with a copy in the British Library. But as I'm a cheap, lying
slut I won't. You may not be a very good writer, or to everyone's taste,
but calling you ''so-called' is plainly untrue. And we all know that
everything on utterpants
is true, don't we?
"Craig" from Preston, UK writes: The author's
stance on Kiddie
Fiddling is totally correct. It reminds me a little of a Brass
Eye episode a while back — oh how I laughed. I wrote
something along these lines myself a while back, but yes, thumbs up.
If the Sun
ever see this and mistake it as a pro-paedophilia article, fuck 'em.
Thanks for those kind comments, Craig. It's
nice to know that not everyone wants to live in the bizarre parallel
universe Sun readers apparently inhabit.
"Fricka" from Ireland writes: What a vile
and disgusting site. I only stumbled across the site whilst trying to
research 'the sexual life of the pholcidae', and it probably psychologically
maimed me for life, apart from the fact that I will never get to heaven
now. You should all be utterly ashamed of your vile and filthy minds!
Gosh, er, 'Fricka', we don't think we've ever
had higher praise than that. 'Maimed for life' exceeds our wildest expectations
"Russell", from Pennsylvania writes: What
exactly are utterpants?
We're glad you've asked this question because
our name seems to confuse quite a few of your countrymen, 'Russell.'
We can do no better than refer you to the erudite Dr Johnson, not Samuel
of lexicographical fame, but the chiropodist who does Ms Giving's feet.
Utter pants, Pants. Noun/Adj.
Nonsense, rubbish. Colloquial British English admitted into the Oxford
English Dictionary in 1996.
Origin unknown. First used by the British tabloid press in the early
1990's. 'Pants' as a synonym is also prefixed with other adjectives
such as 'total' and 'complete'. e.g., "The first half of the
game was total pants, but the second half was great." The
word is usually employed as an exclamation of annoyance or frustration.
i.e., "You're talking complete pants!"
"Lesley" from Rhode Island, writes:
Admittedly, this e-mail is a few months late, but I just came
across your sight (sic) today. I assume you might have done this on
purpose for some reason, although I'm not really sure why, but you had
couple points of inaccuracy in your piece. I realize it's satire
but I'm not really sure why you said this took place in Crawford, Texas
when it actually took place in Las Vegas, Nevada. Perhaps even more
perplexing, you put up a picture of Emmylou Harris in your Linda Ronstadt
Well, gosh, 'Lesley', you've caught us with
our pants down. The thing is, lovely Linda's such a recluse it took
us until today to find a picture of her that wasn't either 30 years
out of date or looked like the poor gal had been the victim of too many
fish suppers. As we're kind of fond of the old chanteuse we figured
a hot pic of yummy Emmylou was better than a snap of a horses arse;
can you hold it against us? As for the change in venue, we simply couldn't
find enough compassionate liberals in Vegas to make the story plausible.
After all, everyone knows Texas folks are in a league of their own when
it comes to dishing out the milk of human kindness. Why else would 150
million Americans have elected a Texan to the Presidency? (ed).
"Dave" from Australia writes:
Yesterday was Melbourne Cup Day in Aus. Got totally fucking pissed.
Met two Manchester boys who know your website and we laughed our arses
off at the stories. Mind you, we were really fucked up on bourbon.
For a website that prides
itself on going 'down under' such praise from the antipodes is music
to our ears (ed).
"Patriot" from the USA writes:
u r real sick fucks. dont u now your helping terrorists?
i am an american and proud of my great country. you fucking brit fucks
you came crawlin when u need us to fight somebody whos whipping your
ass. u wanna fucking grow up.
Wonderfully erudite, Patriot. Succinct and well thought out. Scintillating!
"Zuecreu" from the USA writes:
I thought some other sites were bad,
but your one tops the cake for horrid. I heard it is a bunch of feminist
women who ROAR all the time across the web about their "Site".
I think it's time for the UK to shut down such a badtasting site with
such ill tempered and child like owners and users. I heard AOL for kids
still has a chat room, that seems that is all your site is good for
anyway.You fucking women who consistantly (sic) think that themselves
is better then everyone else really fucking annoy me. You people are
the worst. You look down at everyone else and think your piddly little
website is fucking a gift to earth that we should all bow down to your
great load OF SHIT!!
That's quite a little gem, isn't it?
Feel better now? You poor, dear boy. If a blowjob could teach you how
to write and spell, I might volunteer my lips. For the sake of humanity,
I mean. Clearly, your many problems (drug abuse, binge drinking, sexual
inadequacy and low self esteem to name but a few) would tax the best
minds in psychiatry. Unfortunately the best I can suggest is that you
purchase one of these at your earliest convenience. Do let us know
how you get on. (ed).
"Matt" from London, writes:
Most excellent, dear lady. As a huge fan of the Pythons I enjoyed
this immensely!! (The
Lingerie Shop Sketch) I had no idea there were so many different
varieties of lady's knickers and the ending was a really neat touch.
"William" from the UK writes:
I've just seen the site and I just
had to go and change my pants! Great site —
Salon.com should be worried. Good luck with the site - it's a breath
of fresh air.
'Salon' who? (ed).
A fancy US magazine site. The thinking-woman's
If there are any 'thinking women' on
there we have never seen thought so effectively disguised (ed).
New York, USA writes:
i was repulsed by your noah
i live in NYC....i do not support Bush.....not all Americans are stupid.
not all Brits are smart/charming. you and your fucking hot teas with
milk.....crumpets, no less.....i mean who the hell consumes those nasty
globs of carbs when one could have a nice hot croissant? crumpets, and
Brits who nosh them are gross, repulsive and outdated, JUST
LIKE YOUR ROYALTY!!! grow up, and stop blaming good Americans for
their bad president.
Of course not all Americans are stupid; isn't
there that nice chap Arnie Schwarzenegger, in California? Perhaps you
could make him President? As for 'carbs', the only crumpet on this website
is Ms Givings, and the last person who attemped to 'nosh'on her, bit
off rather more than he could swallow (ed).
"Miss Taken" from the UK writes:
Oh how true your story is!...
(Anyone want stuffing?) I could tell you of the occasion
when I was whisked away by a middle aged man with a penis the size of
a jelly baby and the romantic inclinations of a donkey... but then I
am sure you would understand what I mean without me writing about the
whole limp affair! How I long for the day when a real man can take me
firmly from behind...
We have passed you wish onto "Santa"
who has promised to come down your chimney this year. Please let us
know if his promise stands up (Ed)