Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
Because if all of them went it would be hell.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to keep you in the manner to which you've become accustomed.

How can you tell when your wife is really aroused in bed?
She puts down her nail file.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something really clever?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.."

How do you repair a woman's watch?
You don't need to. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letter box, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.