Short Jokes 1

Yorkshire Fillet
An enterprising Yorkshireman discovers a novel use for Femidoms.

A tired but content little Yorkshireman is sent out to pick up something for dinner by his missus, the mother of his eight children. As an afterthought she suggests he picks up a pack of Femidoms, as their two-bed semi' was becoming somewhat overcrowded, and at 23 she felt it might be nice to experience life without haemorrhoids for a while.

Having visited the chemist, the little Yorkshireman realised he had forgotten to bring a bag with which to carry home that night's evening meal, but being an enterprising chap, realised he could break open the pack of Femidoms and fashion a serviceable carrier bag from one of the plastic pussy pouches.

As he walked into the butcher's shop he produced the makeshift carrier bag from the pocket of his greatcoat and said to the butcher: "pound 'a fillet my lad."
To which the butcher replied, "pound tha don't."

Massage Parlour
A man visits a massage parlour and sees a sign on the wall that reads:
'Ham sandwiches £2.50. Wank £30.00.

"Are you the young lady who does the wanks?" he asks a woman lounging against the wall in her bra and panties. The young lady wriggled a bit, pouted and pulled down her bra to show her cleavage: "Oh yes, Sir, she replied breathlessly.
''Right," said the man, "Give your hands a wash and get me a ham sandwich."

One night a beautiful female rushed into a crypt, her lovely face all covered in blood and flung herself into her coffin and slammed down the lid with a snarl of rage.

Pretty soon all the other vampires smelt the blood and began hassling her about where she'd got it. She told them to piss off and let her get some sleep, but they persisted until she finally gave in. "OK, follow me," she said, and spreading out her cloak, flew out of the crypt with dozen other vampires behind her.

Down through a valley they swept, across a river and into a huge city. Finally she slowed down and the other vampires milled excitedly around her, their tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that massive, great lamppost over there?" she asked.

"YES, YES,YES!!!!" the bloodsuckers all screamed in a feeding frenzy.

"Good!" said the first vampire, "Because I fucking-well didn't!"

Which way to heaven?
A Sunday school teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Little Kelli raised her hand and said: "I think it's your hands!"
"Why do you think it's your hands, Kelli?"
Kelli replied: "Because when we pray, we hold our hands together in front of us
so God must take our hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" said the teacher.

Then little Jennifer raised her hand and said: "I think it's your legs, miss!"

The teacher looked at her with a puzzled expression and asked: "Now, Jennifer, why on earth do you think it would be your legs?"

Jennifer replied: "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh God, I'm coming' at the top of her voice!"

Dirty Bitch
A man was up before the beak for murdering his pretty, young wife.

Judge: "You stand accused of killing your wife. What do you have to say in your defence?"

Man: "Well your Honour, I came home early and found my wife stark bollock naked in bed with my best friend; so I shot the dirty slut. That's all I have to say."

Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your best friend, would you please tell the court what happened to him?"

Man: " Well your Honour, I pointed my finger at him and said: Bad dog, bad dog!"

Floral Fiesta
One Friday afternoon two women were talking about nothing in particular when one of them spotted the other's husband and exclaimed excitedly: "Oh look, Gloria! Martin's bought you a lovely bunch of flowers!"

Gloria turned to look and replied, "Oh bloody hell, that's me flat on me back with my legs apart all weekend."

Her friend looked surprised and asked, "Don't you have any vases, then?"

A book at bedtime
A man and his wife went to bed one night. The wife curled up ready for sleep and her husband switched on his bedside lamp to read a book. As he turned the pages, he stopped from time to time to reach over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He did this so many times that she became very aroused.

At last his wife sprang out of bed, breathing heavily, and slowly stripped of in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "Why on earth are you taking off your nightdress, darling?"

The wife replied: "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

"Not at all, " replied her husband. "I just couldn't turn the pages of my book."

Vacuous Blonde
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When her turn came she rolled the dice and landed on 'Science & Nature'.
Her question was:

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a long while and then asked: "Is it on or off?"


(last updated 10th March 2006)
Jokes contributed by Snoz Bunsen, Jennifer Gardner, Denim Sue, Felicity O'Toole, William Moore and many others too shy or sensible to be named

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