One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"The good news," replied Adam.
"Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
"OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?"
"I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How can you tell if a man is really well hung?
When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do men and tights have in common?
They're both apt to cling, run, and never fit properly between your legs.

What is the real difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why do men like smart, sexy women?
Opposites attract.

Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?
Men don't need to be regressed back to their childhood.

Why are well-dressed men always married?
Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.

What do you call a man with only half a brain?
Gifted.

Why are men such wankers?
Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an arsehole.

What do a beer bottles and men have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

Why can women never find their way to a man's heart?
Because they aim too high.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don't women talk during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.

Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
Because they're too stupid to ask for directions.

How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?
He buys ten cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and premium bonds?
Premium bonds might mature.

Why are most jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
No one knows because it's never been done.

Why is it so difficult for women to pick up men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They're all gay

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night.
A widow.

Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women come home and see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, take one look at what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to go down on a woman?
Put the TV remote between her legs.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied: "So she would love a wanker like you."