There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who ruined his sister's virginity.
Buggered his brother,
had twins by his mother
and took a degree in divinity.

There was a young man from Kildare
who was fucking a girl on the stair
the bannister broke, but he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in midair

There once was a Texan named Bush,
Who had a most cavernous tush.
He said: 'For a war
I'll be your butt whore!'
Said Blair: 'I'll give it a push!'

There was a young woman named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Dallas.

A maid from Bexhill on Sea,
lay with a plumber upon a setee.
Said the maid 'Stop your plumbing!
There's somebody coming.'
Said the plumber, still plumbing, 'Its me.'

There were three ladies from Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock,
And tickled the cock,
of the Bishop who was confirming 'em.

But the Bishop himself was no fool.
He had been to a large public school.
So he shifted his britches,
And buggered the bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

Now the youngest young lady, named Lou,
Said as his Lordship withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker,
Stronger and thicker,
And two inches longer than you!
(Thanks to Geoff, from Alaska, for supplying this longer version of the same limerick we've published lower down the page)

The girls who frequent picture palaces,
care not for psycho-analysis.
They're rather annoyed
by the great doctor Freud.
And cling to their long-standing phalluses.

I knew young fellow from Kings,
who cared not for whores and such things.
His height of desire,
Was a boy from the choir,
With a bum like a jelly on springs.

Mary had a little pig
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Dozy Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Mary had a little Lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse,
and turned it's wool to nylon.

Mary had a little pig,
she couldn't stop it grunting.
She took it down the garden path,
and kicked its little head in.

Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
She took a dose of Castor oil,
to pass the time away.
The oil, it did not work.
The time it did not pass.
So if you want to know what time it is,
You'll have to look up Mary's arse.

MORE LIMERICKS!