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Dirty Panties
A woman tries to buy some panties and fails miserably.
Miranda S Givings revisits an old Monty Python favourite and adds a couple of new twists. (with profuse apologies to M Python Esq.)

(A posh lingerie shop somewhere in Bayswater)

Ms Givings: "Good Morning."
Proprietor: "Good morning, Madam. Welcome to the London Lingerie Centre!"
Ms Givings: "Ah, thank you, Ms — Ms?"
Proprietor: "Teighken."
Ms Givings: "Taken? Taken what? I haven't taken anything you silly girl!"
Proprietor: "No, Madam. Teighken is my name. Ms Teighken. See, it says 'Ms Teighken Lingerie' over the door."
Ms Givings: "Oh, yes, sorry. How silly of me."
Proprietor: "Gosh! You're a yummy little cutie aren't you?
Ms Givings: (taken aback) "I beg your pardon!"
Proprietor: (blushing) "Er — I meant, you're here for a spot of beauty, are you?"
Ms Givings: (looking warily at the proprietor) "Well, I was, um, sitting in Starbucks on Godiva Street just around the corner, flipping through Elle when the door opened and I felt a sudden draft around my bottom and realised I'd er, forgotten something..."
Proprietor: "Ah, caught a bit short, eh?"
Ms Givings: "Sans culottes."
Proprietor: Eh?
Ms Givings: "Totally commando."
Proprietor: (eyeing Ms Givings with undisguised admiration) Ah, knickerless!
Ms Givings: "In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a lacy little thong should do the trick,' so, I curtailed my perusal of the latest designer evening wear, sallied forth, and legged it into your haven of haberdashery to negotiate the expeditious acquisition of some pussy protection!

Proprietor: "Come again, Madam?"
Ms Givings: "I want to buy some knickers."
Proprietor: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the smell of fish!
Ms Givings: Oh, heaven forfend! I am one who delights in all the manifestations of feminine fecundity!"
Proprietor: "Sorry?"
Ms Givings: "Your aroma does not incommode me in the slightest, Ms Teighken."
Proprietor: (pouting) "So, I don't need to douche again, then?"
Ms Givings: "Certainly not! Now, for a pair of your finest knickers, young woman!"
Proprietor: (lustily) "Certainly, Madam. What would you like?"
Ms Givings: "Well, now, how about a naughty red silk number with pretty blue flowers on the crotch?"
Proprietor: "I'm afraid we're fresh out of naughty red silk knickers, Madam."
Ms Givings: "Oh, never mind, how are you on Dolce & Gabanna Diamante thongs?"
Proprietor: "I'm afraid we never have them at the weekend, Madam, we get them delivered on Mondays you see."
Ms Givings: "Bugger! It doesn't matter. Well, two pairs of Versace Daisy briefs, then, please."
Proprietor: "Ah! They've been on back order, for, ah, two weeks. Was expecting them this morning..."
Ms Givings: "It's not my lucky day, is it?"

Proprietor: (licking her lips and hitching her skirt up her ample thighs) "Well.. I'm still hoping it might be mine, Madam."
Ms Givings: (backing away) "I beg your pardon?"
Proprietor: (sulkily) "Nothing."
Ms Givings: "La Senza?"
Proprietor: "Normally, Madam, yes. But the van broke down today."
Ms Givings: "Ah. Ralph Lauren Satin hipsters?
Proprietor: "Sorry, sold out on Wednesday."
Ms Givings: "Cosmo? Donna Piu?"
Proprietor: "Nope."
Ms Givings: "Any French panties, s'il vous plait?"
Proprietor: (rubbing her crotch suggestively) "French panties, you said..?"
Ms Givings: (frowning) "Yes?"
Proprietor: "Sorry. Sold them all to a school party from Dieppe on Tuesday."
Ms Givings: "Lisa Charmel?"
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: "Haddock?"
Proprietor: (non-plussed) "HADDOCK, Madam? Do I smell that bad"

Ms Givings: (stepping back) "No, no, it's barely detectable. Sorry, I just slipped that in to see if this was actually a fishmongers."
Proprietor: (pouting) "No, sorry Madam. We only sell lingerie here."
Ms Givings: "Well, that remains to be seen, doesn't it? Hmphh! Bare Essentials?
Proprietor: "No, sorry."
Ms Givings: "Gossard?
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: "Calvin Klein?"
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: "Cosabella?"
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: (Rapidly) "Pierre Cardin, Sloggie, Dior, Ravage, Simone Perele, Intimé, Christian Maquer, Evisu, Gio, Huit, Diki, Elle Macpherson, Bendon?"
Proprietor: "Er..um..No."
Ms Givings: "Aubade, perhaps?"
Proprietor: Ah! We have Aubade, yes Madam!"

Ms Givings: (astonished) "You do! Excellent!"
Proprietor: "Yes Madam. But they're a bit...er, damp."
Ms Givings: "Oh, I don't mind them a bit musky."
Proprietor: "Well.. They’re very damp, actually, Madam."
Ms Givings: "No matter, my jolie fille, Fetch hither the culottes de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Proprietor: "I...think they're a bit, er, wetter than you're used to, Madam."
Ms Givings: "I don't care HOW FUCKING WET THEY ARE! Hand them over tout bloody suite!"
Proprietor: "Ooohhh..!"
Ms Givings: (snappily) "What's the matter now?"
Proprietor: "The cat's peed in them."
Ms Givings: "Has he."
Proprietor: "She, Madam."

(pause)

Ms Givings: (sighing wearily) "Fine.. Elle Macpherson?"
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: "Marie Jo?"
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: "Felicite?"
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: "Japanese organic Silk drawers?
Proprietor: "No, Madam."
Ms Givings: "You...do have some knickers, don't you?"
Proprietor: (brightly) "Of course, Madam. It's a Lingerie shop, Madam. We've got —"
Ms Givings: "— No, no.. Please don't tell me. I'm keen to guess."
Proprietor: "Fair enough."
Ms Givings: "Um, er, Freya Darling?"
Proprietor: (with breathless anticipation) "Yes?"
Ms Givings: (delighted) "Ah, well, super! I'll have some of those then!"
Proprietor: (Bitterly disappointed) "Oh! I thought you were talking to me, Madam — Freya. Freya Teighken, that's my name."

(pause)

Ms Givings: "Crystelle?"
Proprietor: (still smarting from her disappointment) "No!"
Ms Givings: "Laura Ashley?"
Proprietor: "Er...no."
Ms Givings: "Navy blue school issue bloomers?"
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: "Split-crotch panties?"
Proprietor: "Sorry, no. There's a shortage of American lingerie. The, er, war, you know."
Ms Givings: (increasingly desperate) "Reinforced incontinence pants?"
Proprietor: "Uh, no...not as such."
Ms Givings: "Mongolian Yak's wool bloomers?
Proprietor: "No"
Ms Givings: "Canadian Beaver Hip huggers?"
Proprietor: "Nope. Not today, Madam, no."

(very long pause)

Ms Givings: (Sighing deeply) "How about M & S?"
Proprietor: "No. Well — we don't get much call for them around here, Madam."
Ms Givings: (Non-plussed) "Not much ca — Marks and bloody Spencer are only the single most popular fucking knickers in the world, you idiot!
Proprietor: "Not around here, Madam."
Ms Givings: "And just what ARE the most popular knickers 'around here?"
Proprietor: "Mo Mowlam, Madam."
Ms Givings: "ARE they really."
Proprietor: "Oh, yes, Mo Mowlam sheer satin strings are staggeringly popular in this neck of the woods, Madam."
Ms Givings: "Are they..."
Proprietor: "They're our number one best seller, Madam!"
Ms Givings: "I see. Um...'Mo Mowlam,' eh?"
Proprietor: "Right, Madam."
Ms Givings: (warily, expecting the answer to be 'no') "OK. 'Have you got any?"
Proprietor: "I'll have a look, Madam."

(drops down behind counter)

Proprietor: "Er.....nooooooo."
Ms Givings: "This isn't much of a Lingerie shop, is it?"
Proprietor: "Finest in the district!"
Ms Givings: (very annoyed) "Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please."
Proprietor: "Well, it's so uncluttered, Madam!
Ms Givings: "It's certainly uncluttered by designer lingerie...or any lingerie for that matter!"
Proprietor: (suggestively) "You could have my panties, Madam..though they are a bit moist..."
Ms Givings: (shocked) "I'm not that desperate, thank you!"
Proprietor: (refusing to give up) "You haven't asked me about Figleaves, Madam."
Ms Givings: (bored) "Would it be worth my while?"
Proprietor: (teasing) "It Might be..."
Ms Givings: (slowly) "HAVE-YOU-GOT-ANY-FUCKING-FIGLEAVES?"
Proprietor: "No."
Ms Givings: "Now why doesn't that surprise me? It was an act of the purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me, er Freya —"
Proprietor: (smiling expectantly) "—Yes Madam?"
Ms Givings: (deliberately) "Have you in fact got any fucking lingerie here at all?"
Proprietor: "Yes, Madam."
Ms Givings: "Really?"

(pause)

Proprietor: (sulkily) "No. Not really, I was lying, Madam."
Ms Givings: (clenching her fists) "You haven't, have you?"
Proprietor: "No Madam. Not a stitch. I have been deliberately wasting your time, madam."

(Ms Givings slowly takes a very thick magazine out of her handbag and deliberately rolls it into a vicious looking weapon)

Ms Givings: "Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to bend over and drop your panties while I insert this copy of Elle up your bottom."
Proprietor: (eagerly hitching up her skirt and pulling down her panties with a glad cry) "Ohhh! I thought you'd never ask, Madam."
(Ms Givings holds her nose with one hand, and shoves the magazine between the woman's gaping legs..
Ms Givings: (politely) "Deeper?"
Proprietor: "Oh yes! Ohhh god yes!"

The woman grunts several times and climaxes noisily as Ms Givings gives the magazine a vicious twist.
Proprietor: "Oh yes! Ohhh fuck yes! Ohhh!"

Suddenly there is a muffled explosion and Ms Teighken's face takes on a purple hue. She screams twice, clutches at her bottom and then expires with a long, shuddering gasp at Ms Giving's feet.

Ms Givings: (wiping her hands on the woman's dress) "Oh dear, did I forget to mention I wrapped the paper around my pepper spray? It think it must have gone off. What a senseless bloody waste of a perfectly good magazine!"

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