utterpants
A week in Hell
A man discovers that hell is rather different to how he imagined it...

A man had lost everything. His wife, his job, his health, and his mistress. Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, he was run over by a milk float and found himself up to his waist in a lake of boiling piss. No sooner had he climbed out of that than he had to cross a river of shit and face a freezing cold shower of rancid vomit. He was so depressed that he would have topped himself if he wasn't already dead. The next thing he knew, he was in a luxurious hotel bedroom with a grinning demon who was swigging from a bottle of vintage champagne and stuffing his face with a huge slab of pizza.

"Why the long face, mate?" asked the demon cheerfully.
"I nearly drowned in a lake of boiling piss, had to wade through a river of shit and was drenched in vomit", said the man. "How would you feel?"
"That's just our little initiation joke for new arrivals. Take a shower and put on these new threads, man."
The man did as he was told.
"So this really is hell, then?"
"Yep. Feel better now?" asked the demon, munching on his pizza.
"A bit."
"Fancy a bite?"
"Pizza? You mean there's food down here?"
"Food? On Sunday all we do is eat. Pizza, crispy chicken legs dripping with gravy, roast beef, salmon on croute on a bed of fresh rocket, strawberries 'n' cream, chocolate. You name it, we scoff it! I mean, it's not as if you need to watch your weight now, is it? You're dead - remember?
"Great!", said the man and took a huge bite from the demon's pizza.
"Fancy a drink?" asked the demon, proffering the champagne.
"D- drink? You mean there's booze down here?"
"Booze? On Mondays all we do is get rat-arsed. Whiskey, tequila, Cognac, fine Bordeaux, vintage bubbly, port, rum.You name your poison - we drink it."
"Wow! - That tastes good!", said the man, swigging from the demon's bottle.
"Want a fag?"
"Cigarettes! You mean you smoke down here too?"
"Too right we do, mate - here, have one. Hell, have the whole damn pack."
"Thanks", said the man, lighting up. "I was gasping for a fag."
"Then you'll love Tuesdays. We get the finest havana cigars shipped down from above. Or pipe tobacco if you prefer it. I mean, it's not as if smoking's going to kill you, is it. You're dead, remember?"
"Wow! amazing!"
"Do you like a flutter?" asked the demon.
"Well, yes as a matter of fact I do. I lost my job and my business through gambling."
"Cause Wednesdays is Poker night. Blackjack, Roulette, gee gees, dogs, whatever you like. We bet on anything down here."
"If only I'd known...", said the man.
"I don't suppose you were into dope when you were alive, were you?"
"Are you joking? I lost my wife because of my crack habit and put my daughter on the game to pay for heroin."
"Then Thursday is going to be party night for you, mate! Smoke all the crack you want. Shoot up as much smack as you like, Snort coke til your nose drops off. You can do all the drugs you want and if you overdose, you're dead, so who gives a fuck!"
"Amazing! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"
"Wait til you see the cum-slurping sluts we have down here!"
"Sluts? You mean there are women down here?"
"Women? The place is awash with pussy on Fridays, mate. White chicks, black chicks, big tits, small tits, little schoolgirls so hot they'll suck your cock til your balls drop off. I mean, it's not as if you're going to get a dose, is it? You're dead, remember?"
"Unbelievable!" gasped the man.

"You gay?" asked the demon.
"Er, no, I can't say I am."
"Bugger!", said the demon with a grimace. "Then you're going to really hate Saturdays."

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