utterpants
Held in a Queue
Funny short story about what call centres are doing to us.
Be afraid. Be very afraid..

By our man in the street, Derek Tree

So there I was bowling along the freeway in my brand new Acme Comanche 4x4 GLX MPV when the engine suddenly cut out, the radio switched itself on, and a chirpy American female addressed me in a breezy tone:

"Thank you for using the Acme Expressway. Your vehicle is being held in a queue. Your vehicle will be able to move as soon as a space becomes available."
Cue irritatingly banal musak...
"Sorry for the delay. All our spaces are currently filled with other vehicles. Your vehicle will be able to proceed as soon as a space becomes available."
Cue irritatingly banal musak (again)...
"Thank you for waiting. Your vehicle is being held in a queue. All our spaces are currently filled with other vehicles. Your vehicle will be able to move as soon as a space becomes available."
Banal musak, (again) sigh...
"Sorry, your vehicle cannot proceed at this time. Please try again later. Thank you for using the Acme Expressway."
Oh well, might as well use the time to try to get that printer bug solved by Tech support...Cue mobile phone dialling out:

"Hello, I have a problem using the binary protocol with my-
Hello? HELLO? Bugger! I've been cut off!"
Cue second attempt:
"Hello, I have a problem with-"
"Thank you for contacting the Acme Printer Support Hotline. Your question is important to us and an advisor will be with you shortly."
"What? Hello? HELLLLO!?"
Cue Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries"...
"Your call is being held in a queue. Please wait to be connected to a Print Technology advisor."
Cue Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" (again!)...
"Sorry for the delay. Your call is being held in a queue as all our print technology advisors are currently busy. Your call will be answered as soon as one of our advisors becomes available."
Five minutes pass as more musak bashes my ear...
"Sorry for the delay. Your call is being held in a queue as all our print technology advisors are busy with other customers. (actually the sick bastards are lolling in their comfy chairs laughing their fat asses off, watching some poor sucker stuck in an 8 mile tailback. But we're not going to tell you that, you dipstick!) For up-to-the minute tips and tricks on all printing issues why not visit our website at www.acme-printers.com?
Cue yet more musak...
"Sorry, you are being held in a queue. Your printing question is important to us and an advisor will be with you shortly."
Still more mindnumbingly banal musak...
"Are you still hanging on? Wow! You must be one desperately sad sucker. Oops, I mean: sorry for the delay. Your call is being held in a queue as all our print technology advisors are currently busy with other calls."
More fucking Wagner...
"Sorry, your call cannot be answered at this time. Please be sure to call us again real soon. Thank you for contacting the Acme Printer Support Hotline".

Damn! Traffic's still not moving. I might as well get some cold beers from that store over there...Great, they've got Boors Super Gold Export - now where's the checkout?
"Thank you for visiting the Acme Megastore - you one-stop shop for all your home and personal needs. You are being held in a queue. Your transaction will be completed as soon as an assistant becomes available."
Cue ear-splittingly loud heavy metal musak...
"Sorry for the delay. All our store assistants are currently busy. Your purchase will be completed as soon as one of our store assistants becomes available."
Musak continues...
"Sorry, you are being held in a queue. Your purchase is important to us and one of our store assistants will be with you shortly. Meanwhile why not check out the bargains on our new website at www.acmeshopping.com? This week we have Boors Super Gold Export on offer at just 10c a quart. What's more, if you buy 10 quarts we will deliver it absolutely FREE of charge via the superfast Acme Expressway(TM) next day service. Check it out now!"
I can't bloody well check it out you stupid assholes. Your fucking website is down!
Yet more (yawn) musak..
"Sorry for the delay. All our store assistants are currently busy helping other suckers - oppps - customers. Your purchase is important to us and will be completed as soon as one of our store assistants becomes available."
Musak...
"Sorry, your purchase cannot be completed at this time. Please call in again real soon. Thank you for shopping at the Acme Megastore"

I left the car on the Expressway, walked home, and arrived hot, tired, wired and in need of some serious relaxation with the wife..
"Darling! DARLING!!!!???"
"Thank you for visiting Wife Personal Services (TM). Your sexual needs are important to us and your wife will be with you shortly."
What the-?"
"Sorry, you are being held in a queue. Your sexual needs are very important to us and your wife will be coming shortly."
"Well that's more than I will!"
Cue a soothing string quartet playing "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik"...
"Sorry for the delay. You are being held in a queue. Your sexual needs are very important to Wife Personal Services (TM) and your wife is eager to meet them."
"Wh-What the fuck?"
"Sorry for the delay. Wife Personal Services (TM) is currently busy with online shopping at the Acme MegaStore and will service your needs as soon as she becomes available."
More Mozart...
"Thank you for visiting Wife Personal Services (TM). Your sexual needs are important to us and your wife will be with you shortly. Meanwhile why not check out the SUPER DEALS on our website at www.acme-wifeyessentials.com. Today we have a REALLY COOL deal for you: Buy just 2 quarts of Acme Boors Super Gold Export Beer and we will give your wife a LIFE SIZE inflatable model of BRAD GITT absolutely FREE! What's more your purchase will be delivered to your front door at NO CHARGE via our superfast Acme Expressway(TM) next day service!"
Yet more from Wolfgang Amadeus....
"We are very sorry but your needs cannot be met at this time. Please call Wife Personal Services (TM) again real soon."

ARRRGHHH, GRRRR!
Next day the local headlines read:
SEX-CRAZED ARSONIST firebombs cars on expressway, demolishes Megastore, and SLAYS FAMILY IN FRENZIED BLOODBATH!

Fiction? Maybe. But for how much longer?

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