utterpants
Wishful thinking
A funny story about a man, a cat and an ostrich

A man walked into a pub with a sweating Ostrich under one arm and a sopping wet cat under the other and sat down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" asked the landlord.
"Pint of best bitter for me", said the man.
"Stella", said the Ostrich, fanning itself with a beer mat. "Is it me, or is it hot in here?"
"Pint of Guinness and I'm not buying." snarled the cat, shaking the water off it's back.
"OK, that'll be six pound twenty, please guv." said the landlord.

The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.
Fifteen minutes later the landlord noticed their glasses were empty and asked, "Same again, guv?"
"No" said the man, "I think I'll have a stella",
"And your, er - pets?"
"Pint of Stella", said the Ostrich. "And make sure it's ice-cold. It's roasting in here."
"I'll have a Pint of Guinness and I'm not fucking paying." said the cat. "And get me a towel, I'm soaking."
The landlord complied and said: "That'll be seven pound ten pence, please, guv."

The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.
An hour later their glasses were empty again and the landlord walked over to them and asked:
"What'll you have?"
"I'll have a vodka tonic", said the man.
"Double brandy on the rocks", said the Ostrich. "And make sure there's plenty of ice in it. I'm burning up!"
"Pint of Guinness and I'm still not paying." said the cat. "And get me another towel, this one's wringing wet!"
The landlord complied and said: "OK. That'll be nine pound twenty, please."

The man reached into his pocket, brought out the exact change and paid him.
By now the landlord's curiosity had got the better of him and he asked:
"Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"
"I found this bottle on holiday in Turkey with a genie in it and she granted me three wishes."
The landlord was intrigued. "May I ask what they were?"
"Certainly", replied the man. "My first wish was that I would always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I wanted to buy."
"That's a pretty clever wish. What were your other two wishes?"

"That's where I blew it. I asked for a really hot chick with long legs and a tight, wet pussy."

Comment on this joke? Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!
Content © 2005. Utterpants.co.uk and its writers and contributors. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Short Jokes
Long Jokes
Jokes about Men
Jokes about Women
Short Press Cuttings
Longer Press Cuttings
Sports Blunders
Funny English Definitions
Limericks
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Snow White and the Seven Dwarves - a classic fairy tale retold by
Miranda S Givings
Wrapping presents with a cat Wrapping presents with a cat
by Denim Sue
Read our Funny stories
Ms Givings Very Personal Problem Pages

Do you have a joke, press cutting or limerick to contribute? Click the button below to submit it to us!

Submit your joke to Utterpants