AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights
to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your
bull.
AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
BRITISH CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go
mad.
You shoot one and get a vet to give the other one the all clear and
then declare there is no problem with BSE in your country.
CHINESE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and
detain without trial the journalist who falsely reported the number
of cows.
EU CAPITALISM
You have twelve cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them. Then it buys three from you, shoots three, milks the other
three and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill
out forms accounting for the missing three mad cows.
INDIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You worship them both.
JAPANESE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon
images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
JEWISH CAPITALISM:
You don't have any cows but that doesn't stop you opening a
milk factory, an ice cream parlour and selling the world movie rights.
RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four
cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you
have eleventy-one cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you
realise that eleventy-one isn't a real number. You count the cows again
and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown
the loss of eleventy-one cows.
WELSH CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You shag them both.
REAL LIFE CAPITALISM:
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you the money to buy any cows, because you don't
have any cows to put up as security.
You go mad and shoot yourself. |