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Capitalism defined
Utterpants explain what's what in the bewildering world of economic globalism

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

BRITISH CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.
You shoot one and get a vet to give the other one the all clear and then declare there is no problem with BSE in your country.

CHINESE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who falsely reported the number of cows.

EU CAPITALISM
You have twelve cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it buys three from you, shoots three, milks the other three and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing three mad cows.

INDIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You worship them both.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

JEWISH CAPITALISM:
You don't have any cows but that doesn't stop you opening a milk factory, an ice cream parlour and selling the world movie rights.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy-one cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realise that eleventy-one isn't a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy-one cows.

WELSH CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You shag them both.

REAL LIFE CAPITALISM:
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you the money to buy any cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as security.
You go mad and shoot yourself.

Joke contributed by Derek Tree
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