Bare hunting
A bear hunter gets a nasty surprise in the woods

A man goes into the wood to hunt for bears. He creeps through the undergrowth until he comes to a clearing where he sees a bear. Taking careful aim with his gun he shoots at the bear. There is a tremendous bang, a flash and lots of smoke. When the air clears he walks forward to find his prey—but there is no sign of the bear.

The man looks all around the clearing in increasing bewilderment when suddenly he feels hot breath on his neck and a tap on his shoulder. Turing slowly around he finds himself staring at the midriff of a very pissed-off, grizzly bear.

“You fucking twat!” snarled the bear. “Coming up here with your gun and ruining my afternoon. I’m going to teach you such a lesson; drop your trousers.”
The man has little option but to comply and the bear proceeds to bugger him into insensibility.

As you can imagine the hunter is somewhat traumatised by the experience and staggers back to town in a state of shock. Upon recovering, he becomes consumed with a desire for revenge. He purchases a machine gun and returns to the woods.

After a long search he finds his bear and three others in a clearing beneath the trees. Carefully he mounts the gun on its tripod and loads up a belt of 500 rounds. Taking careful aim on the bears he squeezes the trigger and sprays the clearing for three minutes with high calibre, high velocity bullets. Trees are cut down, branches and leaves whirl through the air in a blizzard of decimated foliage. The noise is deafening. When all the ammunition is spent the man strolls confidently into the clearing to collect his prizes—but finds no bears!

Nervously he searches the clearing from one end to the other, but there is no trace of the bears. Then he feels a familiar touch on his shoulder, hot breath on his neck and the bear is standing behind him with his three friends.
“You stupid little shit,” said the bear. “You are so going to get it. Drop ‘em!”
The huntsman drops his trousers and is mercilessly buggered by each bear in turn.

Returning to town our hero is in a terrible state. The physical and mental scars take a long time to heal, but eventually he recovers and is even more consumed by the desire for revenge. He purchases a multiple rocket launcher and a range of army surplus artillery pieces and returns to the woods.

With his high-powered binoculars he spots the bear under the trees about two miles away. He launches a prolonged and intense attack. The wood is reduced to matchwood. Surely nothing can have survived!

Walking into the smouldering wreckage he looks for the remains of the animals, but again there is nothing. He is somehow not surprised when he feels the familiar tap on the shoulder and the hot breath on his neck. He turns and sees the bear, the three other bears and all their friends and relations forming a queue as far as the eye can see.

The bear slowly shakes his head as the man drops his trousers and says: “Somehow my friends and I don’t think you keep coming up here just for the hunting...”

Joke added 2nd March 2006. Kindly contributed by B Campestris' brother-in-law
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