|Gnome digs tunnel and Escapes|
An exclusive report by Oleg Vimen
BBC 10 o’clock news. (Signature tune plays, pictures of Gnomes in various poses flash across the screen. Chairman Tenji is seen dressed in black shirt, military cap, cane, leather boots, etc., with a serious expression speaking to senior army officers)
Newsreader: "The Gnome crisis took an astonishing turn today as news leaked of his escape from his kidnappers. Earlier Chairman Tenji consulted military advisors over possible emergency measures to curb the increased threat from gnomish activists. Later in the programme we have an exclusive interview with a man who lived as a gnome for ten years before discovering he was in fact a very short train-spotter with a luxuriant, full-length beard. Also in tonight’s programme, the ongoing nuclear confrontation between North Korea and the USA; will the US respond to the pre-emptive strike on an isolated quail hunting lodge in Texas?"
(Turns to face camera 2)
Newsreader: "The deepening gnome crisis took on a sinister turn as the Gnomish leader—the self-styled Gerald P. Floyd—eluded his kidnappers and went on the run. An anonymous source has provided us with stills from security cameras which the kidnappers had used to monitor their secret hideout, believed to be somewhere in Purley. One of these seems to support the rumour that a hammer, junior hacksaw and shovel had been thoughtlessly left within arms length of the prisoner by his captors—an allegation that has been strenuously denied by Chairman Tenji's office who dismissed it as the work of cunning retouchers working for the recently formed Gnome Rights Alliance—the NRA.
I have with me a respected academic and expert on kidnapper/hostage relations, Professor Derek Matthews of the University of South Rockall. Professor, you are Emeritus Professor of Hostage Psychology and Escapology at the University, I wonder if you could give us your view on recent events—in simple language, for the layman as it were."
Professor Matthews (Writhing on the ground in a canvas straightjacket): "Well, the little chappie in the red hattie was taken from the nice kind policeman by some naughty men..."
Newsreader (Taking careful notes): "...two and three. Yes Professor I think we are still with you although I must say this is far more complex than I had imagined."
Professor (Pulling a pair of police handcuffs from his pocket): "Initial phase is just academic shorthand for phase one..."
Professor: "Well, there is much more to being a layman than I thought! I am glad I chose academia, the concepts are so much better defined. Now, examine these handcuffs—they are completely standard police issue. I want you to lock my hands behind my back and then help me into this large sack... (Voice becomes muffled) Now lock the mouth of the sack with the chain and padlock. I will now attempt to escape from the sack whilst simultaneously analysing the security camera footage."
Newsreader: "That’s very kind Professor, where should I hold the pictures so you can see them."
Newsreader: "Well, it's a jolly good job you're here, professor. Now, the second picture shows a hole in a tiled floor."
Newsreader: "And the last picture is of the gnome emerging from a tunnel in what looks like a suburban garden."
Newsreader: "I think you are wearing the jacket, professor."
Tenji: "Indeed, it was shocking that the gnome had been taken by vigilantes—I don’t think these bold members of the general public—whoever they were, which I have no idea of obviously, had any conception of the grave risk they were running. Gnomes can be very dangerous when provoked. It is doubly concerning that the little (beeped out) is on the loose again."
Tenji: "Bugger! Derek—put the (beeped out) ‘phone down quick!"
Newsreader: "We seem to have lost our connection to Chairman Tenji, obviously a busy man with a lot of responsibility resting on his shoulders. We do have a statement from the Home Office advising members of the public not to approach the gnome if they see him. They should instead contact the police or the local office of the National Satirists Party—whichever is closer. The first member of the public to report the gnome to the National Satirists Party will receive a three-day cruise in the Caribbean (excludes, flights, food, cabin expenses and gratuities). The gnome population were maintaining a stony silence this evening."
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