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Gnome snatched by Vigilante Satirists | |
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An exclusive report by Oleg Vimen Gnome put on Bread and Water rations. Kidnappers say: ‘pay up or it will be the worse for the little shit.’ CLICK HERE TO SEE THE RANSOM NOTE! |
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“We interrupt this programme to bring you an important news bulletin. Reports are coming in of a further escalation in the Gnome crisis. The Gnomish leader, captured by police in a daring simultaneous dawn raid on 47 garden Centres on Friday, has been snatched from police custody. Initially it was thought that this was a daring rescue by gnomish extremists hell bent on saving their leader. However, as details have emerged it now seems more likely that the gnome was kidnapped by one of the groups of vigilantes who have been roaming the streets all night despite the pleas from Chairman Tenji for calm and restraint. (Scene changes to outside broadcast from New Scotland Yard) “Chief Inspector.. Well, yes miss, every 12 to 18 months it is a good idea to open up the root ball and move the plant into fresh compost.” “Thanks Ins—er, Chief Inspector, I’ll try that.”
“Right, its part of our new drive towards better customer focus. We let all the prisoners—sorry, I should say ‘guests’—opt for productive improving activities during their visit. The gnome mentioned his interest in things horticultural and one thing led to another. Before the yucca he had dug us a nice ornamental pond outside the canteen, would you like to come and see it? Other guests are currently decorating the chief constable’s office. We did have some joy-riders in who offered to road test all the police patrol cars—that wasn’t such a success.” “Yes, Katie, but there is risk in everything you know. Just standing here in the street talking to you is a risk. If my wife had been watching just now when I asked you to come for a drink things could have got very nasty—sleeping in the spare-room until Christmas I shouldn’t wonder. Or a large piano could fall on us in a freak accident spreading tragedy in our respective families and leaving us never knowing whether, had we gone for that drink, things might have been so very different. Not that it would bother us much—after being crushed by a piano—a man is not going to have much time to think about loosely fitting combat fatigues which subtly hint at the voluptuous curves beneath...unless he was only maimed I suppose. Hideously disfigured but still adored by his new-found love…”
(Scene changes back to the studio) (Grainy picture of chained gnome, struggling defiantly. Camera pans shakily to a fat bald man.) Bald Man: "Hello, we have a simple message for you all. This tolerance to gnomes has gone on long enough. We want them out of the country, back where they belong in the grottos of Norway. No discussion, no argument. This little (expletive beeped out) will be liquidated in ten days time unless our demands are met." “Well there we have it, a truly shocking development. I don’t think any of us had much sympathy for the gnome after recent events but nonetheless it is very disturbing to see the rosy cheeked little chappie in such dire straights. We will bring you a further bulletin in our regular news programme at 7 o’clock.” (A technical error jumps the broadcast back to Kate Adie and Chief Inspector Slipper who are clearly in the process of exchanging telephone numbers.) |
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Story © COPYRIGHT How Tenji. Illustration and design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 030406 |
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