Earlier in the week, we reported that a tidal wave of unwanted pregnancies was poised to engulf the nation as a result of the 'gnome love' craze sweeping Britain's teenage girls off their feet and onto the pointy red hats of their 'fun-sized' lovers.
In an effort to get to the sticky bottom of this disturbing trend, I tracked down three self-confessed teenage 'gnome lovers' to their forest hideaway in Richmond Park. Here, among the stately oaks and soaring sycamores that once watched Ann Boleyn being spit-roasted by a trio of court gallants while her cuckolded husband assuaged his wounded pride by shutting a few monasteries, I met 'Gemma, Lauren' and 'Katie' (not their real names). I began by asking fourteen-year-old Gemma—the angelic blonde nymphet who spent most of yesterday tied to a tree while seven gnomes took it in turns to abuse her—why she was now lying in a wood in her underwear with one of her abuser's distinctive red hats cradled between her thighs.
"I asked Hoodie and Snowy to tie me up," she chortled. "It's dead sexy, innit."
"Yeah," added her fifteen-year-old friend, Lauren as she plugged an expensive digital camera into her Apple PowerBook. "Dirty old geezers love that sort of thing, don't they?"
"Perverts do," I said. "Decent people know that sex with girls as young as you three is a serious crime. Do you realise that you could go to prison for what you've done?"
"Nah we couldn't," chimed in a pretty brunette as she struck a provocative pose against the trunk of a gnarled oak. "Ya gotta be eigh'een to be banged up, innit Gem?"
"Katie's right," said Gemma. "I know coz Stace's bloke got done when the filth caught 'im wiv her behind Macky D's bogs. They didn't do nuffink, did they Katie?"
"Nah," replied the brunette with a pout of her cherry-red lips. "Just give 'er some rubbers."
"Bit late for that, weren't it? Laughed Lauren, fiddling with her camera as Katie eased her white microskirt a little lower down her thighs.
"Dis OK?" she asked, tugging a lurid red thong higher onto her narrow hips.
"Bit to the left, babe," said Lauren.
"If I pull it any further over you'll see me fuckin' pussy!"
"Mint," squealed Lauren. "Give the Sunday Sport a real thrill, eh, babe?"
"You don't seem to realise the seriousness of your predicament," I interrupted primly. "Girls your age can't go around dropping their panties...er...thongs...for anyone who asks—let alone having unprotected sex with dangerous midgets high on potted shrimp. What would your parents say? What if you get pregnant? Are you deliberately trying to get pregnant to breed more gnomes? That's what people fear. The country is in an uproar because of what you three have been doing—please don't do that Gemma, it's disgusting."
"Wat?" asked Gemma innocently. "Takin' me top off or playin' wiv this sexy red 'at?"
"Stop that at once!" I shouted, making a grab for the hat. "You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. You're fourteen for Goodness sake. You should be at home playing with yourself—I mean playing with your toys—children's' toys I mean, not the other kind. Stop that immediately!"
Gemma ignored me and spreading her skinny legs apart, closed her eyes as she rubbed the gnome's hat against herself.
"Shall I take me thong off?" she gasped as Lauren swung her camera toward her.
"Nah, it's sexier with it on. Just pull your skirt down a bit more, babe."
"Please stop this!" I cried, lunging toward Lauren. But she was too quick for me and sweeping up her laptop in her arms, darted nimbly behind a tree, from where she stuck her tongue out at me.
"You seem to think this is a huge joke," I said. "Well, I've got news for you. Underage sex is a serious crime in this coun—"
"—Shall we tell her?" interrupted Lauren, continuing to fire off shots in rapid succession as Gemma thrust out her remarkably well-developed breasts, threw back her head and began to emit short, soft cries.
"GEMMA!" I shouted.
"Go Gem!" squealed Katie as Lauren dropped to her knees to get a close up of Gemma's flushed face as she pulled her skirt up under her breasts and began to rock her hips from side to side. The woods rang with her increasingly urgent cries as she wrapped her legs tightly around the hat, before sliding slowly to the ground, where the little minx lay, sighing softly and grinning at me. I was beginning to suspect that these girls were not quite what they seemed. A suspicion that grew on me when I spotted two video cameras lying behind a tree and several coils of rope spilling out of one of the girl's rucksacks.
"Shall we tell her?" Lauren repeated.
Gemma giggled as she put her top back on and brushed the leaves from her skirt. She poked Katie in the ribs with a miniature fishing rod. "Nah...let 'er sweat."
"Did you just...um...er..." I began.
"Cum, miss?" asked Gemma sweetly. "Waddya fink?"
"I think you're a very dirty little girl, Gemma with a filthy mouth. Please put that hat down."
"Wanna sniff it?"
"Certainly not!" I replied.
"Eww!" shrieked Katie. "You're such a slag, Gem."
"Bet ya do," added Gemma.
"I do not!"
"Yeah, look, she's blushing," said Lauren, stepping out from behind her tree. "Bet you're wet. Go on, rub one out, we don't mind, do we Gem?"
"That'd be well mint," said Gemma, turning excitedly to Lauren. "Ya could photoshop a gnome between her legs. We'd get two hundred for that from Tenji, easy. Oh fuck...what 'ave I done?"
"Tenji!" I exclaimed. "What the bloody-hell is going on here? Do you know the Chairman?"
"Chairman?" giggled Gemma. "Dat's not wat Kate Adie calls 'im."
"Wha-What?" I spluttered. "Kate who?"
"Kate Adie, miss, dat poncy reporter who always wears those minging khaki trackies. Dontcha know e's been givin' 'er one?"
"Oh shit..." said Lauren, catching sight of my livid face. "You've done it now, babe."
"Sweet on 'im are ya, miss?" asked Gemma. "Dunno why. E's a right evil bastard."
"Yeah," agreed Lauren. "He set this whole thing up. The gnomes and the cameras and the press leaks. Just to stir people up against the gnomes. He's a right devious fucker."
"Yeah, but we're cleverer," said Gemma. "We've been sending copies to dat Gnome Liberation Front. If he doesn't let Gerald go, he's well fucked."
"You don't look well, miss," said Katie, reaching solicitously for my hand.
"I fink you'd better sit down before ya faint," added Gemma.
"I er..um..." I mumbled, collapsing at her feet. "So all this...the pictures...the bondage...the sex-crazed gnomes...were all...er—"
"—Faked miss," said Lauren, patting her laptop proudly. "On my PowerBook."
"Well...apart from dat really massive—"
"—Shut up Gemma!" interrupted Katie. "You're embarrassing the lady."
"We may be randy little sluts, miss, but we're virgin ones," added Lauren sweetly. "Honest," added Gemma.
"Yeah," said Katie. "Gnomes are kinda cute but I'm not gonna fuck one. I'm saving myself for a nice stockbroker with an offshore portfolio in Gilts."
"Bloody hell!" I exclaimed. "The three of you have actually beaten the old bastard at his own game."
"Yes," said Lauren. "Ironic, isn't it?"
"Wanna see the pics we took of 'im wiv Lauren's knickers on 'is 'ead and a gnome's 'at up 'is fat arse, miss? Asked Gemma. "e loves it large up da bum, does Tenji."
"No thank you, I think I've had more than enough shocks for one day. It's been a—a real eye-opener meeting you three charmers."
"Fancy a chocolate gnome, miss?" asked Katie, thrusting a paper bag toward me.
"I'll say! I've always wanted to give a gnome head."
In other news today, President Bush's closure of US airports in response to the worsening situation in Korea has resulted in several 'C-list' celebrities cancelling their trips to Britain. In an impromptu statement made outside the London Kabbalah Centre, Madonna expressed 'delight' at the prospect of not having to kiss Britney Spears again.
Previously on GnomeWATCH news:
Gnomes target Teens for Sex
Teens in Gnome Lust Orgy!
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