Mystery Bidder may save Gnome shock
An exclusive report by Neve Milgo
In a disturbing turn of events on the morning of the second day of the auction, a mystery bidder sent a threatening message to the office of the National Satirist Party of England
In a disturbing turn of events on the morning of the second day of the auction, a mystery bidder sent a threatening message to the office of the National Satirist Party of England. The message, which was posted on the Auction site at 10.50 this morning, reads:
' We know who you are. We know your past. We can predict your future. The gnome will live. Await further communications. PS - do you know anyone who has some small size fishing rods going cheap, mine just broke. Ta.'
The bidder, who goes by the name of 'The Gnome Liberation Movement,' put in a bid of £51.00 at 10.50 today—beating yesterday's gnome hating bid of £50.00 by just one pound.
Chairman Tenji was dismissive of both the bid and the cryptic message when we called his office this morning, commenting: "This derisory offer is clearly intended to sow discord and confusion in the minds of the public. We are not taking it seriously. Frankly, I blame your bloody journalists for publishing that ridiculous story about Gnome love on Sunday. Now every teenage girl in the country will be rooting for this evil little shit. Good day!"
Despite his assurances to the contrary, Chairman Tenji is clearly rattled by this disturbing development. Whilst there is no word yet from the vigilante satirists who captured the gnome on Monday, many fear that they may now kill the self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd' in a fit of pique at the direction the auction has taken. Speculation is also rife that the shadowy Italian Gnome Rights movement, MALAG, whom we exposed in our special report on Sunday, may be behind this attempt to save the gnome.
A behavioural psychologist we consulted is confident that the mystery bidder is an oversexed young American woman in her late twenties with blond hair and a large collection of cats. We can't see it ourselves, but were assured that as only Americans use the word 'ta' nowadays, the bidder couldn't possibly be British.
Well, there you have it. If the mystery bidder wins Gerald may yet escape the ten-pound hammer his captors have threatened to dash his brains out with.
This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH news in Cambridge
Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 040406