"I understand that, in defiance of recent legislation, gnomes the length and breadth of the country are discarding their identifying red hats at the roadside and attempting to blend in with the general population.

The action has already almost led to tragedy as a short bloke in a red hat was shot by police as he came out of a fishing shop, fortunately the bullet was stopped by a pint of maggots and a copy of the Angling Times but we cannot hope to be so lucky next time. Not that there will be a next time because I have asked police to be more careful about the indiscriminate shooting of suspects. Nevertheless, if you are rosy cheeked and under about 5’4’’ it might be best to stay indoors. Unless you are gnome, obviously, in which case come out with your hands up. It is fair to say that the unfortunate man was a victim of the gnomes and the climate of fear they have created—it might as well have been a gnome who pulled the trigger…"

(Telephone rings. Tenji takes call, looks increasingly uncomfortable)

"Sorry about that, it appears that the man who was shot was 6’8” and wearing a trilby. But this does not alter the severity of the threat posed by these insane fanatics, the gnomes that is, not the police. Good heavens, boys in blue! Salt of the earth, thin blue line, not a wrong-un amongst them. Especially Chief Inspector Slipper of the Yard. Top bloke, Slipper, Warden of his lodge at 24, chairman of his local Single Young Mother's Association, fabulous with the kiddies. In fact, now I think of it, it sounds increasingly likely to me that it was a gnome, impersonating a policeman and standing on a tall stool who shot this innocent fisherman. However, that is obviously just my considered and well-informed opinion.

To return to the question before us, this is a truly alarming turn of events. I must say I am personally deeply disappointed, I thought we had reached a rapport with the wrinkled little shits but it would appear that the hand of kindness has met the mooning backside of defiance. I can only hope that the Metropolitan wet-wipes...er...Police—can clean the mess up before too much of a stink is created. Well, if Slipper's on the case we can depend on the gnomes getting a damn good hiding, but these new college chaps...probably blame it all on childhood trauma in the potting shed.

We cannot underestimate the seriousness of the situation, I cannot tell you exactly what the gnomes are planning for reasons of both ignorance and operational security. However let me warn parents of young children not to allow them to play with the Gypsies in the wood...

…sorry, I appear to have turned over two pages…

We believe that the gnomes may be hungry and may be planning to steal food. It is in everyone’s interest to lock up small animals—cats, rabbits and the like—which gnomes are known to spit roast and then barbecue—no hang on, 'spit roast' is something quite different as Slipper explained to me...filthy devils doing that to one of our women. Look, these evil little bastards are not the smiling, rosy-cheeked woodland folk they purport to be. Let us not forget Snow White! Let us not forget the chaos on the M11 caused by 20,000 discarded red hats!

So, people of Britain, I say to you be vigilant but remain calm. Do not take to the streets in mobs 100 strong carrying burning torches and hunt for gnomes up and down the country. I urge you to remain at home and put your trust and the welfare of your loved ones in the hands of the police—those that are not already incapacitated by gnome related injuries or suspended from duty on trumped up charges of reckless endangerment of anglers that is. The police will do their best, hamstrung as they are by the Police and Criminal Evidence Act. They would not want to put you to the trouble of forming vigilante groups and saving them from a lot of tedious paperwork and the courts from the expense of trying 1000s of obviously guilty gnomes. So, unless you have nothing better to do—and let us not forget that due to this gnome crisis you have now missed Eastenders—please stay at home and leave it to the professionals.

Good night."

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