The statement, which dismissed the vice ring gnomes were running in St Neots with the remark that 'you're just jealous' and went on to impugn the reputation of Snow White, drew a sharp response from Chairman Tenji, who ordered the withdrawal of Potted Shrimp from sale this afternoon.
Potted shrimp is thought to be responsible for increasing sexual aggression among the Gnomish population, many of whom are importuning single, young women to obtain the drug in return for sexual favours. There can be little doubt that this shocking development is a direct result of the irresponsible remarks made by the GLM.
Chairman Tenji is in the studio with me now.
Neve: "Chairman—who is to blame? The GLM are clearly suggesting that binge drinking and revealing clothing are to blame for these sex attacks on teenage girls."
Tenji: "Poppycock. Just because these gnomes are discarding their red hats in flagrant disregard of my recently introduced law and stuffing their faces with potted shrimp, does not give them the right to tie a young woman to a tree and commit acts of the grossest indecency upon her person."
Neve: "What are you going to do about it?"
Tenji: "Untie her, naturally. Just as soon as police have conducted a full body search of the young woman. She could be carrying, you know."
Tenji: "Potted Shrimp. Gnomes are using young girls as 'mules' to smuggle the stuff into the country from Norway."
Neve: "I meant the gnomes."
Tenji: "Sterilise the lot of them!"
Neve: "Isn't that a bit drastic?"
Neve: "Why target teenage girls?"
Tenji: "Fresh eggs."
Tenji: "Look, it's no good rogering some thirty-something housewife whose fallopian tubes are as empty as a eunuch's trousers. These gnomes are after prime breeding stock."
Neve: "Good heavens! I thought it was just about the sex."
Tenji: (disapprovingly) "A sad commentary on your prurient and dare I say, self-indulgent generation, Ms Milgo. No, these gnomes are hell-bent on breeding a bastard race of half-gnomes possessed of all the cunning of their sires but a good bit longer in the leg."
Tenji: "Let us not forget Snow White! This lovely girl stands 5' 11" in her designer-stockinged feet; the average gnome less than three feet in his cheap, plastic boots. These bastard gnomes will be able to reach the top shelf in newsagents, peer over our garden walls with their shifty little eyes and poke their fishing rods in our faces!"
Tenji: (soothingly) "Let us not allow our righteous anger to boil over into acts of mindless violence. Do not pick up the baseball bats my government issued to you and pulverise the grinning faces of the gnomes holding down your fifteen-year-old daughter. No, I say! Not even when they rip off her skimpy thong, spread her shaking thighs wide apart and take it in turns to impregnate her. No, I say! Show our enemies the same mercy and restraint our great nation has always displayed on the football pitch, on the beaches and in the bars of the far-flung corners of the world.'
Neve: (breathlessly) "Chairman, that was amazing..."
Tenji: (mops brow with a florid, red handkerchief embroidered with a fetching design of dead gnomes superimposed on dead gnomes motif) "Thank you, Neve."
Neve: "Especially the bit about 'skimpy thongs' and 'shaking thighs."
Tenji: (arrogantly) "Regrettably, a leader sometimes has to employ somewhat prurient language to drive his message home to the common man—or woman. Rest assured that my embargo on the sale of Potted Shrimp and the closure of all garden centres will soon nip this gnomish nonsense in the bud. I have a firm grip on the situation."
Neve: "Thank you Chairman. That was Chairman Tenji speaking to the nation live from the GnomeWATCH newsroom."
(Fade to soothing music and footage of a jolly troupe of gnomes in red hats fishing contentedly beside a Norwegian fjord, whistling, repotting Yuccas, quaffing real ale, etc.,)
Neve: (huskily) "Look—all this stuff about rosy-cheeked, gnomes running naked through the woods has got me a bit...um...moist...Pixiekins..."
Tenji: "Has it?"
Neve: (unbuttoning her blouse) "God yes! Take a firm grip on me darling!"
Tenji: "Steady on! There's a cameraman over there."
Neve: (pushing her chest out) "I don't care. My biological clock is ticking. My eggs cry out for you. Throw me across my desk...rip my panties off!"
Tenji: "I'm sorry my angel, but I have an emergency cabinet meeting in ten minutes to discuss the situation in Ipswich."
Tenji: "Apparently there has been a raid on a Potted Shrimp factory."
Neve: (pouting) Well...a quickie then? I want your hands all over me."
Tenji: "Your 'quickies' have a habit of turning into 'longies."
Neve: "It's that bloody fat-bottomed Adie woman, isn't it?"
Neve: "Don't come that with me, you devious bastard. I saw the look on your face when Kate Adie was interviewing Chief Inspector Slipper."
Tenji: (slipping his arm around Neve) "Nonsense, thunderthighs."
Neve: (angrily shrugging him off) "Don't call me that! I've lost ten pounds. Not that you'd notice. You're too busy chasing Kate bloody Adie, you two-timing shit!"
Tenji: (blustering) "My relationship with Ms Adie is purely professional."
Neve: "If I find out that you've been two-timing me behind my back you know what I'll do to you, don't you?"
Tenji: "That tape recorder is switched off, isn't it?"
Neve: "What? Oh hell! Oh fuck. Oh bloody fucking hell..."
In other news today, the worsening situation in Korea has prompted President Bush to cancel his guitar lessons and close US airports to all but essential traffic. We understand that Israeli businessmen and their teenage, Eastern European 'secretaries' are exempt from the ban.
Previously on GnomeWATCH news:
Teens in Gnome Lust Orgy!
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