The Evils of International Gnomery
GnomeWATCH 2006
Save this girl from sin: kill the gnome!Gnomes target Teens for Sex

Neve Milgo uncovers a chilling new Gnomish threat

An inflammatory statement from The Gnome Liberation Movement has fuelled fears of an epidemic of unwanted pregnancies among Britain's teenagers

The statement, which dismissed the vice ring gnomes were running in St Neots with the remark that 'you're just jealous' and went on to impugn the reputation of Snow White, drew a sharp response from Chairman Tenji, who ordered the withdrawal of Potted Shrimp from sale this afternoon.

Potted shrimp is thought to be responsible for increasing sexual aggression among the Gnomish population, many of whom are importuning single, young women to obtain the drug in return for sexual favours. There can be little doubt that this shocking development is a direct result of the irresponsible remarks made by the GLM.

Chairman Tenji is in the studio with me now.
Neve: "Chairman—who is to blame? The GLM are clearly suggesting that binge drinking and revealing clothing are to blame for these sex attacks on teenage girls."
Tenji: "Poppycock. Just because these gnomes are discarding their red hats in flagrant disregard of my recently introduced law and stuffing their faces with potted shrimp, does not give them the right to tie a young woman to a tree and commit acts of the grossest indecency upon her person."
Neve: "What are you going to do about it?"
Tenji: "Untie her, naturally. Just as soon as police have conducted a full body search of the young woman. She could be carrying, you know."
Neve: "Carrying?"
Tenji: "Potted Shrimp. Gnomes are using young girls as 'mules' to smuggle the stuff into the country from Norway."
Neve: "I meant the gnomes."
Tenji: "Sterilise the lot of them!"
Neve: "Isn't that a bit drastic?"
Tenji: "No."

Neve: "Why target teenage girls?"
Tenji: "Fresh eggs."
Neve: "Eggs?"
Tenji: "Look, it's no good rogering some thirty-something housewife whose fallopian tubes are as empty as a eunuch's trousers. These gnomes are after prime breeding stock."
Neve: "Good heavens! I thought it was just about the sex."
Tenji: (disapprovingly) "A sad commentary on your prurient and dare I say, self-indulgent generation, Ms Milgo. No, these gnomes are hell-bent on breeding a bastard race of half-gnomes possessed of all the cunning of their sires but a good bit longer in the leg."
Neve: "Wow..."
Tenji: "Let us not forget Snow White! This lovely girl stands 5' 11" in her designer-stockinged feet; the average gnome less than three feet in his cheap, plastic boots. These bastard gnomes will be able to reach the top shelf in newsagents, peer over our garden walls with their shifty little eyes and poke their fishing rods in our faces!"
Neve: "Gosh!"

Tenji: (soothingly) "Let us not allow our righteous anger to boil over into acts of mindless violence. Do not pick up the baseball bats my government issued to you and pulverise the grinning faces of the gnomes holding down your fifteen-year-old daughter. No, I say! Not even when they rip off her skimpy thong, spread her shaking thighs wide apart and take it in turns to impregnate her. No, I say! Show our enemies the same mercy and restraint our great nation has always displayed on the football pitch, on the beaches and in the bars of the far-flung corners of the world.'

Neve: (breathlessly) "Chairman, that was amazing..."
Tenji: (mops brow with a florid, red handkerchief embroidered with a fetching design of dead gnomes superimposed on dead gnomes motif) "Thank you, Neve."
Neve: "Especially the bit about 'skimpy thongs' and 'shaking thighs."
Tenji: (arrogantly) "Regrettably, a leader sometimes has to employ somewhat prurient language to drive his message home to the common man—or woman. Rest assured that my embargo on the sale of Potted Shrimp and the closure of all garden centres will soon nip this gnomish nonsense in the bud. I have a firm grip on the situation."
Neve: "Thank you Chairman. That was Chairman Tenji speaking to the nation live from the GnomeWATCH newsroom."

(Fade to soothing music and footage of a jolly troupe of gnomes in red hats fishing contentedly beside a Norwegian fjord, whistling, repotting Yuccas, quaffing real ale, etc.,)

Neve: (huskily) "Look—all this stuff about rosy-cheeked, gnomes running naked through the woods has got me a bit...um...moist...Pixiekins..."
Tenji: "Has it?"
Neve: (unbuttoning her blouse) "God yes! Take a firm grip on me darling!"
Tenji: "Steady on! There's a cameraman over there."
Neve: (pushing her chest out) "I don't care. My biological clock is ticking. My eggs cry out for you. Throw me across my desk...rip my panties off!"
Tenji: "I'm sorry my angel, but I have an emergency cabinet meeting in ten minutes to discuss the situation in Ipswich."
Neve: "Ipswich?"
Tenji: "Apparently there has been a raid on a Potted Shrimp factory."
Neve: (pouting) Well...a quickie then? I want your hands all over me."
Tenji: "Your 'quickies' have a habit of turning into 'longies."
Neve: "It's that bloody fat-bottomed Adie woman, isn't it?"
Tenji: "Who?"
Neve: "Don't come that with me, you devious bastard. I saw the look on your face when Kate Adie was interviewing Chief Inspector Slipper."
Tenji: (slipping his arm around Neve) "Nonsense, thunderthighs."

Neve: (angrily shrugging him off) "Don't call me that! I've lost ten pounds. Not that you'd notice. You're too busy chasing Kate bloody Adie, you two-timing shit!"
Tenji: (blustering) "My relationship with Ms Adie is purely professional."
Neve: "If I find out that you've been two-timing me behind my back you know what I'll do to you, don't you?"
Tenji: "That tape recorder is switched off, isn't it?"
Neve: "What? Oh hell! Oh fuck. Oh bloody fucking hell..."

In other news today, the worsening situation in Korea has prompted President Bush to cancel his guitar lessons and close US airports to all but essential traffic. We understand that Israeli businessmen and their teenage, Eastern European 'secretaries' are exempt from the ban.

Previously on GnomeWATCH news:
Teens in Gnome Lust Orgy!

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Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 100406
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition

WHAT WAS GNOMEWATCH?

Over period of 20 days during the spring of 2006, four leading Internet satirists collaborated to create a truly surreal charity event in aid of Amnesty International, during which we ransomed a captured garden gnome oneBay gnomewatch The auction ran from Monday 3rd April until Thursday 13th April and raised £275.00

GnomeWATCH NEWS
The self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd' - the Gnomish Ringleader

The hilarious and satirical adventures of the gnome unfolded in a series of News Bulletins that began ten days before the auction started, on 24th March and ran right through until it ended on 13th April.

The first special article we published was 'The Evil which is International Gnomery'—on 24th March 2006. If you want to recapture the full flavour of this unique event you should read this first. You will need to pay attention! Hints are dropped and clues are left in each episode that build up to an unexpected climax which you'll miss if you just skim through the stories.

Then read the rest of the news bulletins which are listed on your left. These are listed in the order in which they were published—oldest first. The final twist was unravelled in the third of our special reports—Gnomes Show their Hand. We hope you enjoy the show!

GnomeWATCH blog - click to read auction comments
During the auction we kept a running Blog of what people were saying about the event. Click the banner to read their comments.
GnomeWATCH Media Packs

Throughout the auction we made Media Packs available to the Press onBuy the Press Pack on eBay — containing high resolution versions of the images we created specially for GnomeWATCH. Most were 1200 x 1600 pixies — sorry, pixels in size. So if you fancy a permanent memento of the event in glorious colour without a copyright watermark—make us an offer and we may be persuaded to mail you a high quality colour print (or prints, if you're feeling really flush). Hit the button to contact us:

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Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition
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