Your Tenjitastic Sun is pleased to report that Gerald, the renegade garden gnome, has been caught at last. Police were given the slip by members of the NASI (National Satirist Party of England), who managed to nippily nab the nasty gnome. The Sun says: ‘NICE ONE NASIs!’

Although no topless models were involved in the re-capture we have Snow White as our page three stunner today! Snow White (17), who spent six weeks locked in a cottage with seven randy gnomes, is now the mother of no less than seven bouncing baby elves. When we saw the pictures on page three we said ‘Crikey! Look at the size of the helmets on those goblins!’

Chairman Tenji said to our reporter ‘Get of my fucking grass, you oik.’ We say: ‘What a joker!’ Tenji laughed with us and gave us this statement: ‘Whilst we are pleased that the gnome is off the streets and we can all sleep safely in our beds we are naturally concerned that yet again the police have failed to apprehend the miscreant who is once more in the hands of vigilantes. I think your newspaper should be asking what the police were doing sitting in a white van while ten masked men snatched him from under their noses. Would we be better off if the vigilante groups took over day-to-day policing? Excuse me, I’m off to buy some potted shrimps.’

The soar-away Sun says ‘Oo-er, did he swallow a dictionary or what? He’s got the brains but we’ve got the boobies (see pages 3,5,6,7,8,9 and 10). Cor! Get your tits out, girls!

We spoke to the vigilante spokesman, known only by his code-name of Twiggy. Twiggy told us that the gnome was caught after a trail of oil from the motorbike he stole led the hunters on a two-mile chase over hills and dales. The bike was found burnt out, the owner is said to be ‘gutted’ and in the market for a Ford Fiesta.

Max, a local rat catching terrier, then followed the scent of the gnome to the tinned fish aisle of the local Co-op where our reporter met Gemma, the Saturday girl.
Reporter: "Gemma, I understand the gnome was captured in this very Co-op?"
Gemma: "Sniff."
Reporter: "Can you tell us what happened?"
Gemma: "Sniff. (Shouts) Mrs Thompson! Bloke 'ere wants to know if we got any gnomes. Sniff."
Reporter: "Bloke from the Gnometastic, Sun, love!"
Gemma: "Sniff. (Shouts louder) Mrs Thompson! Bloke 'ere from the Sun wants to know if we got any gnomes. Sniff."
Mrs Thompson: "Tell him no we ain’t."
Gemma: "No we ain’t."
Mrs Thompson: "Just a minute...did you say the Sun? Did he ask you to get your tits out?"
Gemma: "Nah. Sniff."
Reporter: "I wouldn't bother, love."
Gemma: "Y'wot?"
Reporter: "Not really page three, are they? Fun-sized I'd call those. Now...if you got a boob job, fixed your teeth and lost twenty pounds we'd be in business."
Gemma: "Sniff."
Reporter: "Look, I understand there was a dog in here earlier that caught the gnome."
Gemma: "Dogs ain’t allowed in the shop. Sniff. ‘Cept them blind ones."
Reporter: "The dog was chasing the gnome—did you see anything?"
Gemma: "Nah. Sniff."
Reporter: "Apparently the gnome was filling its trousers with potted shrimps…"
Gemma: (Shouts) "Mrs Thompson, the gnome bloke says he wants shrimps."
Mrs Thompson: "Tell ‘im the police took ‘em all for evidence."
Gemma: "Y'wot?"
Mrs Thompson: "We ain’t got none."
Gemma: "We ain’t got none."
Reporter: "Are you a Sun reader by any chance?"
Gemma: "Sniff. Nah. Guardian innit."

The soaraway Sun says ‘Well done Gemma. What a hero! There’s £500 in McDonalds vouchers on the way.’

So the renegade gnome is up for ransom again. Your right thinking Sun says: ‘Kill the little sod!’ but obviously you are free to hold a different point of view so long as you don’t buy our newspaper and don’t mind having your head kicked in.

In other news today, an OAP collapsed outside Mothercare when he copped an eyeful of Jordon's thong as the walking tit-scaffold was bending over to pick up her sprog. Your sizzling Sun says: 'Should have got your tits out, love and saved us all the cost of another wasted triple-heart bypass.'

BACK TO MAIN GNOMEWATCH PAGE!