The Evils of International Gnomery
GnomeWATCH 2006
GnomeWATCH 2006Porridge for Goblin!

An exclusive report from the GnomeWATCH news team



Britain's favourite chip wrapper lost no time in reporting the capture of the renegade gnome, the self-styled Gerald P Floyd, who was snatched from under the noses of police early this morning

Your Tenjitastic Sun is pleased to report that Gerald, the renegade garden gnome, has been caught at last. Police were given the slip by members of the NASI (National Satirist Party of England), who managed to nippily nab the nasty gnome. The Sun says: ‘NICE ONE NASIs!’

Although no topless models were involved in the re-capture we have Snow White as our page three stunner today! Snow White (17), who spent six weeks locked in a cottage with seven randy gnomes, is now the mother of no less than seven bouncing baby elves. When we saw the pictures on page three we said ‘Crikey! Look at the size of the helmets on those goblins!’

Chairman Tenji said to our reporter ‘Get of my fucking grass, you oik.’ We say: ‘What a joker!’ Tenji laughed with us and gave us this statement: ‘Whilst we are pleased that the gnome is off the streets and we can all sleep safely in our beds we are naturally concerned that yet again the police have failed to apprehend the miscreant who is once more in the hands of vigilantes. I think your newspaper should be asking what the police were doing sitting in a white van while ten masked men snatched him from under their noses. Would we be better off if the vigilante groups took over day-to-day policing? Excuse me, I’m off to buy some potted shrimps.’

The soar-away Sun says ‘Oo-er, did he swallow a dictionary or what? He’s got the brains but we’ve got the boobies (see pages 3,5,6,7,8,9 and 10). Cor! Get your tits out, girls!

We spoke to the vigilante spokesman, known only by his code-name of Twiggy. Twiggy told us that the gnome was caught after a trail of oil from the motorbike he stole led the hunters on a two-mile chase over hills and dales. The bike was found burnt out, the owner is said to be ‘gutted’ and in the market for a Ford Fiesta.

Click to buy this picture on eBay

Max, a local rat catching terrier, then followed the scent of the gnome to the tinned fish aisle of the local Co-op where our reporter met Gemma, the Saturday girl.
Reporter: "Gemma, I understand the gnome was captured in this very Co-op?"
Gemma: "Sniff."
Reporter: "Can you tell us what happened?"
Gemma: "Sniff. (Shouts) Mrs Thompson! Bloke 'ere wants to know if we got any gnomes. Sniff."
Reporter: "Bloke from the Gnometastic, Sun, love!"
Gemma: "Sniff. (Shouts louder) Mrs Thompson! Bloke 'ere from the Sun wants to know if we got any gnomes. Sniff."
Mrs Thompson: "Tell him no we ain’t."
Gemma: "No we ain’t."
Mrs Thompson: "Just a minute...did you say the Sun? Did he ask you to get your tits out?"
Gemma: "Nah. Sniff."
Reporter: "I wouldn't bother, love."
Gemma: "Y'wot?"
Reporter: "Not really page three, are they? Fun-sized I'd call those. Now...if you got a boob job, fixed your teeth and lost twenty pounds we'd be in business."
Gemma: "Sniff."
Reporter: "Look, I understand there was a dog in here earlier that caught the gnome."
Gemma: "Dogs ain’t allowed in the shop. Sniff. ‘Cept them blind ones."
Reporter: "The dog was chasing the gnome—did you see anything?"
Gemma: "Nah. Sniff."
Reporter: "Apparently the gnome was filling its trousers with potted shrimps…"
Gemma: (Shouts) "Mrs Thompson, the gnome bloke says he wants shrimps."
Mrs Thompson: "Tell ‘im the police took ‘em all for evidence."
Gemma: "Y'wot?"
Mrs Thompson: "We ain’t got none."
Gemma: "We ain’t got none."
Reporter: "Are you a Sun reader by any chance?"
Gemma: "Sniff. Nah. Guardian innit."

The soaraway Sun says ‘Well done Gemma. What a hero! There’s £500 in McDonalds vouchers on the way.’

So the renegade gnome is up for ransom again. Your right thinking Sun says: ‘Kill the little sod!’ but obviously you are free to hold a different point of view so long as you don’t buy our newspaper and don’t mind having your head kicked in.

In other news today, an OAP collapsed outside Mothercare when he copped an eyeful of Jordon's thong as the walking tit-scaffold was bending over to pick up her sprog. Your sizzling Sun says: 'Should have got your tits out, love and saved us all the cost of another wasted triple-heart bypass.'

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Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition

WHAT WAS GNOMEWATCH?

Over period of 20 days during the spring of 2006, four leading Internet satirists collaborated to create a truly surreal charity event in aid of Amnesty International, during which we ransomed a captured garden gnome oneBay gnomewatch The auction ran from Monday 3rd April until Thursday 13th April and raised £275.00

GnomeWATCH NEWS
The self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd' - the Gnomish Ringleader

The hilarious and satirical adventures of the gnome unfolded in a series of News Bulletins that began ten days before the auction started, on 24th March and ran right through until it ended on 13th April.

The first special article we published was 'The Evil which is International Gnomery'—on 24th March 2006. If you want to recapture the full flavour of this unique event you should read this first. You will need to pay attention! Hints are dropped and clues are left in each episode that build up to an unexpected climax which you'll miss if you just skim through the stories.

Then read the rest of the news bulletins which are listed on your left. These are listed in the order in which they were published—oldest first. The final twist was unravelled in the third of our special reports—Gnomes Show their Hand. We hope you enjoy the show!

GnomeWATCH blog - click to read auction comments
During the auction we kept a running Blog of what people were saying about the event. Click the banner to read their comments.
GnomeWATCH Media Packs

Throughout the auction we made Media Packs available to the Press onBuy the Press Pack on eBay — containing high resolution versions of the images we created specially for GnomeWATCH. Most were 1200 x 1600 pixies — sorry, pixels in size. So if you fancy a permanent memento of the event in glorious colour without a copyright watermark—make us an offer and we may be persuaded to mail you a high quality colour print (or prints, if you're feeling really flush). Hit the button to contact us:

Gnomemail us
Gnomewatch 2006 - souvenir edition
Gnomewatch 2006 Suporters
The following websites supported Utterpants GnomeWATCH 2006:
Utterpants Gnomewatch 2006