The terse statement, which is clearly intended to undermine Chairman Tenji's responsible and restrained handling of the gnome crises, was delivered to GnomeWATCH news wrapped in a copy of today's Sun—the paper which broke the story of the renegade gnome's recapture. In it, the GLM casually dismiss the chilling catalogue of crimes perpetrated by the Gnomish ringleader—the self-styled 'Gerald'—and sully the unspotted reputation of Snow White. Snow White, readers will recall, is the lovely 17-year-old virgin gnomes held captive for six months, while they took it in turns to repeatedly sexually abuse the terrified virgin, resulting in her giving birth to seven little bastards.

Here is the GLM statement in full:
"We are the liberators of gnomes throughout the world. We are the nemesis of gnomesis. To answer your specific points: running a vice ring? You are probably just jealous. Stuffing some bloke in a bag of compost—well you would have probably preferred to stuff him IN his bag of compost. Brought the country to a standstill—just why do you oppose tranquility? Beat up a defenseless hen—you have no doubt consumed hundreds of her cousins, surely that is a significantly worse misdemeanor? Assaulted and abused dozens of underage girls. Hmm...we will have to speak to him about that one. Multiple insemination of Snow White—Snow White? Who are you kidding? The slapper of the ancient kingdom of fairy land. The harlot of bedtime reading. The queen would have had more luck offering her a banana and two juicy plums rather than a sodding apple. Perhaps she is the bike Gerald should have torched. Attacking an American Newspaper mogul deserves an award, not condemnation!

GLM SHALL PREVAIL!"

The vigilante satirists hit back at the GLM by releasing the shocking picture that accompanies this article. In it we can see that the pallid gnome is close to death, barely able to lift the threadbare blanket which is his only source of warmth in the freezing hellhole his captors have consigned him to. In what is clearly a sadistic afterthought on the part of his tormentors, the teddy that has accompanied the gnome throughout his vicissitudes, lies abandoned on the cold, stone floor, an axe impaled in his head. If this were a dog there would be an outcry throughout the country. Have we allowed our fears of Gnomery to withhold the most basic of human rights from gnomekind? Is this the 'justice' for which Britain is acclaimed throughout the civilized world? I put these disturbing questions to Chairman Tenji, who took time out from inspecting new, biometric national identity cards to talk to GnomeWATCH news this evening.

Neve: "Chairman, are you concerned about the conditions the gnome is being held in?"
Tenji: "I'm sorry, but those are my conditions."
Neve: "Torture, gratuitous sadism and detention without trial are now official government policy, are they?"
Tenji: "Gratuitous sadism?"
Neve: They axed his teddy."
Tenji: "Good grief, have you lost all grip on reality? It's a stuffed toy, woman!"
Neve: "You haven't answered my question, Chairman."
Tenji: "Look—when I said those are my conditions, I meant the rule of law and the use of appropriate measures to stamp out the troublemakers who are holding the country to ransom."
Neve: You mean the sadistic vigilantes who have captured little Gerald?"
Tenji: "Little Gerald' now, is it? He's an unprincipled little shit, Ms Milgo, who has waged a ruthless and systematic terror campaign for three weeks! Let's keep our eye on the facts."

Neve: (dabbing her eyes) But his little face...Chairman. Have you no compassion?"
Tenji: "Naturally the police are doing all in their power to track down the vigilantes and return the renegade gnome to custody. Whilst these party mem—er—vigilantes—may be employing methods which I cannot personally endorse, their patriotism and enterprise cannot be denied."
Neve: "Well, yes, I suppose...at least the streets are safe now. What is your response to the provocative statement made by the Gnome Liberation Movement today?"
Tenji: "Their vitriolic outburst is typical of the smug, left-wing rhetoric we have come to expect from these whining apologists for Gnomery."
Neve: "Will you be negotiating with them if they are successful in ransoming the gnome?"
Tenji: "Her Majesty's Government does not enter into negotiation with those who place themselves beyond the law—unless it suits us."
Neve: "Thank you Chairman. That was Chairman Tenji, the leader of the National Satirist Party of England."

In other news tonight, President Bush has launched nuclear strikes against a pocket-handkerchief-sized principality with an unpronounceable name in retaliation for their embargo on American cheeseburgers.

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