|GLM Defend Gnome|
Our woman at the ebay GnomeWATCH auction, Neve Milgo has the latest news
The Gnome Liberation Movement issued a provocative statement today that has enraged the vigilante satirists who recaptured the renegade gnome this morning
The terse statement, which is clearly intended to undermine Chairman Tenji's responsible and restrained handling of the gnome crises, was delivered to GnomeWATCH news wrapped in a copy of today's Sun—the paper which broke the story of the renegade gnome's recapture. In it, the GLM casually dismiss the chilling catalogue of crimes perpetrated by the Gnomish ringleader—the self-styled 'Gerald'—and sully the unspotted reputation of Snow White. Snow White, readers will recall, is the lovely 17-year-old virgin gnomes held captive for six months, while they took it in turns to repeatedly sexually abuse the terrified virgin, resulting in her giving birth to seven little bastards.
Here is the GLM statement in full:
GLM SHALL PREVAIL!"
The vigilante satirists hit back at the GLM by releasing the shocking picture that accompanies this article. In it we can see that the pallid gnome is close to death, barely able to lift the threadbare blanket which is his only source of warmth in the freezing hellhole his captors have consigned him to. In what is clearly a sadistic afterthought on the part of his tormentors, the teddy that has accompanied the gnome throughout his vicissitudes, lies abandoned on the cold, stone floor, an axe impaled in his head. If this were a dog there would be an outcry throughout the country. Have we allowed our fears of Gnomery to withhold the most basic of human rights from gnomekind? Is this the 'justice' for which Britain is acclaimed throughout the civilized world? I put these disturbing questions to Chairman Tenji, who took time out from inspecting new, biometric national identity cards to talk to GnomeWATCH news this evening.
Neve: "Chairman, are you concerned about the conditions the gnome is being held in?"
Neve: (dabbing her eyes) But his little face...Chairman. Have you no compassion?"
In other news tonight, President Bush has launched nuclear strikes against a pocket-handkerchief-sized principality with an unpronounceable name in retaliation for their embargo on American cheeseburgers.
Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 080406