The photographs—many of which are too disturbing to publish in this country—were delivered to our offices in a pizza carton by an extremely short, bearded man wearing a red hat with a thick, foreign accent. Readers are warned that the three images our lawyers have allowed us to publish may not be suitable for those of a nervous disposition or Americans under forty-five.
Frankly, we at GnomeWATCH are not surprised by this development in the ongoing Gnome crises. Despite Chairman Tenji's repeated pleas for vigilance and resolute action, our European neighbours have steadfastly refused to recognise the evils of international Gnomery. Some have even voiced their support for the Gnomish ringleader—the self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd'—who was arrested by police on Friday. What will surprise and shock every right-thinking Briton are these disturbing pictures of so-called 'gnome love.' Make no bones about it, if this continental vice is allowed to gain a foothold in this country, no teenage girl will be safe.
Foremost among the decadent reactionaries promoting this filthy practice are the Italian members of MALAG—the Movimento Autonomo per la Liberazione delle Anime da Giardino— a radical alliance of self-confessed 'gnome lovers' based in Italy. We have little doubt that the photographs we have published emanate from this or similar organisations in Europe.
MALAG—which loosely translates into English as the 'Independent movement for the Liberation of the Spirits of the Garden,' is a shadowy organisation, thought to have links to Italian Freemasonry and the sinister 'Gnomenati'—a secret society steeped in vice. It is misguided supporters of Gnomery like these who are actively encouraging the budding flowers of English womanhood to embrace 'the spirits of the garden.'
Our worst suspicions were confirmed on MALAG's Italian website, where we found several images of Snow White engaged in a variety of intimate acts with dozens of grinning gnomes. This dangerous organisation openly boasts of their love for the gnomes who saddled this innocent young waif with seven of their bastard offspring.
What's more, they brazenly advise young girls to: 'run naked through the woods and fields to experience the delights of gnome love at first hand.' As these shocking images show, the girls who succumb to this vice soon become addicted to the fairy-tale 'magic' of 'gnome love'. Once hooked, they quickly lose their natural inhibitions and will perform the vilest of acts with as many as five gnomes at a time. I asked an expert on aberrant teenage sexual behaviour, Professor Hans Grimm, from the University of Leipzig, what drives these teenagers to such depths of depravity.
The black eyes of the short, rotund academic widened as he leaned forward excitedly.
"It's ze call of ze primordial sexual instinct which is most active during ze years of early puberty in young girls."
"Not boys?" I asked
Professor Grimm stroked his snowy beard. "Nein. Ze male lacks ze imagination to roll naked in a pile of rotting leaves in ze middle of a fairy-tale vood vile fantasising about being taken roughly by a troupe of midgets in big, pointy, red hats. Ze characteristic red hat of ze common garden gnome—gnomus domesticus—is, of course, ze classic phallic symbol of fertility und quite irresistible to a romantic young woman in oestrus."
"Very...und long und stiff und shiny."
"Golly! And the fairies?"
"Vivid sexual hallucinations caused by the ingestion of amanita muscaria—ze so-called 'magic mushroom."
"Not Bacardi breezers and spliff, then?"
"Um...gosh, professor. You make it sound almost exciting..."
"Vell it is, if you're a fourteen-year-old girl viz no legitimate outlet for ze powerful urges surging through ze body at this difficult time of sexual transition."
"So Chairman Tenji was wrong to insist that all our gnomes wear big, pointy red hats—I mean, it's just inviting trouble, from what you say?"
The professor snorted derisively and fixed me with his penetrating gaze.
"You vill find zat Chairman Tenji has made a number of grave errors of judgement in his handling of zis Gnome crises. As have zose gnomes who discarded zair hats in zat silly protest. Without them zey have as much chance of scoring viz a hot young cutie as a balding, middle-aged political extremist on ze make."
"Astonishing, professor," I commented. "Thank you so much for talking to us."
"Ze pleasure voz all mine, young lady," oozed the smooth-talking academic as he kissed my hand gallantly. "Vud you like to take a short stroll in ze woods viz me later? Ze bluebells are quite enchanting at zis time of year."
"Er...thank you...um...Professor Grimm. That was Professor Grimm from the University of Leipzig. I now have Chairman Tenji of the National Satirist Party on the line. Chairman Tenji—a truly shocking development?"
Neve Milgo: "Why do you say that?"
Tenji: "We're dealing with British gnomes, Ms Milgo. British gnomes do not ravish teenage girls at the drop of a hat—even a 'big red pointy one."
Neve Milgo: "What about the vice ring those gnomes were running in St Neots?"
Tenji: "An isolated incident inflamed by the excessive consumption of alcohol and potted shrimp."
Neve Milgo: "Potted shrimp?"
Tenji: "Gnomes live on the damn things. Now, look, my time is valuable. I don't have enough of it to waste on mad German professors with a gnome fetish or Italian sybarites."
Neve Milgo: "So you don't consider MALAG a threat to public order?"
Neve Milgo: "I understand they sent you a vituperative email this morning?"
Tenji (bored): "Did they?"
Neve Milgo: "Yes..." (sound of shuffling paper and muttered profanities). I...um...have a copy here somewhere...just a minute, Chairman.
Tenji: "Get on with it, woman!"
Neve Milgo: "Right...I have it now (reads email):
To the fat pig of a British Dictator!
We spit on your GnomeWATCH!
We will liberazioni dalla garden gnomes prisoned by the men!
MALAG is a movement which has the goal the liberazioni of the spirits of the giardino imprisoned in chalk bodies from men without mercy and reduced in slavery in always green gardens. They are blocked in a chalk covering, forced to smile, to the cold, under the snow and the rain, subjects to the jokes of vicious animali and bad bambini, far from their world, far from the forest. We love our garden gnomes and never we would think to execute one of them for crimes against the humanity. They are the victims of terrible crimes themselves!
per la Liberazione
delle Anime da Giardino.
"There—a truly shocking development, wouldn't you say, Chairman?"
Tenji: "Yes. I'm deeply shocked by their temerity in bringing this nonsense to my attention. That they should think that I would comment on the opinions of someone who is both a foreigner and a gnome lover shows how greatly these terrorists underestimate my commitment to the cause of English Satire and the destruction of international Gnomery.
Foreigners are foreign by accident of birth—poor devils, I accept that, but to compound the error by espousing such irresponsibly liberal views in the face of overwhelming evidence of the gnomish plot is nothing short of willful stupidity."
Neve Milgo: "Shouldn't we be worried by these Italian gnome lovers?"
Tenji (curtly): "A few malcontents from the only nation on earth whose police force sounds like a seafood starter? I hardly think so."
Neve Milgo: "You don't think that this 'gnome love' business could spread over here, Chairman?"
Tenji: "Gnome love, my bottom! They're nothing short of filthy midget fiddlers. Too much hot sun, garlic and cheap wine, Neve. No wonder they caved in to the gnomes of Berlin like a lot of Nancy boys. Reminds me of the time my car backfired in Rome. The spineless buggers surrendered before the lights changed! Rest assured that if these Eyetie girls' blouses so much as set foot on our sacred soil the police will bang them up so fast their pointy red hats will blow off."
Neve Milgo: "Well, I'm sure our readers will be very relieved to hear that. Thank you Chairman Tenji. This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH News in Cambridge."
(Sound of shuffling paper, subdued, feminine coughing)
Tenji (sotto voce): "Are you doing anything later, thunderthighs?"
Neve Milgo: "Well...as it happens...I was thinking of taking a walk in the woods..."
Tenji: "Bugger! Look, I'm free at eight. Be in your Snow White costume by eight-thirty."
Neve Milgo: (giggling): "Will you be wearing a pointy red hat?"
Tenji: "No, the black leather thingie you got me."
Neve Milgo: "Er...I think we're still on air, Pixiekins..."
Tenji: "Don't call me that! What? Bloody hell! Why the (beeped out) didn't you say so sooner you dozy (beeped out) tart?"
(Several clicks followed by a sudden burst of static and the beginning of the theme tune to 'The Sky at Night.')
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