Gnome Hater ups the Auction Anti
An exclusive news report from our anchorwoman at the auction Neve Milgo
In a further twist in the saga of the gnome ransom, a hard-line gnome hater raised the stakes this afternoon
In a further twist in the saga of the gnome ransom, a hard-line gnome hater raised the stakes this afternoon by outbidding the Gnome Liberation Movement in the race to rescue the renegade terrorist.
Threatening appalling torment for the gnome, the bidder, who goes by the chilling name of 'gnomesis,' has promised to 'terminate the little shit with extreme force'—assuming the police can find it.
This turn of events is good news for Amnesty International (UK) but bad news for the Gnomish ringleader—the self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd'— who was last seen being fondled by an attractive young woman in Purley High Street yesterday.
GnomeWATCH News have been assured by Chief Inspector Rod Slipper, the officer leading the hunt for the escaped gnome, that the 'net is closing in on the little shit.'
I have Chairman Tenji of the National Satirist Party of England on the line.
Neve: "Er…thank you, Chairman. That was Chairman Tenji of the National Satirist Party of England. We have just received a copy of the statement made by 'gnomesis'—the bidder who is currently leading the auction. This is what he's said:"
'The Gnome will die. The so-called GLM is a joke who couldn't liberate their own bottom with both hands in a well-lit room. Not only will the evil little shite die, he will die very slowly and painfully. We have the means to extend his slow demise over days—possibly weeks. We may even post pictures of his ugly mush, bloodshot gnomey eyes out on stalks, lips twisted into a rictus of pain, hands pleading for mercy from his heartless tormentors who will...laugh as our steel hammers finally descend on his pointy red bonce. He's history mate.'
Well, 'gnomesis' certainly doesn't mince his words. But let us not allow these shocking threats to make us feel sorry for the poor red-hatted chappie. It was this gnome that abused Snow White, masterminded the vice ring in St Neots, organised the 'hats-off' protest that crippled our motorways and has been raiding fishponds up and down the country for weeks. The sooner he is back in police custody the better. This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH news at the eBay gnome auction.
Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 050406