In a further twist in the saga of the gnome ransom, a hard-line gnome hater raised the stakes this afternoon by outbidding the Gnome Liberation Movement in the race to rescue the renegade terrorist.

Threatening appalling torment for the gnome, the bidder, who goes by the chilling name of 'gnomesis,' has promised to 'terminate the little shit with extreme force'—assuming the police can find it.

This turn of events is good news for Amnesty International (UK) but bad news for the Gnomish ringleader—the self-styled 'Gerald P Floyd'— who was last seen being fondled by an attractive young woman in Purley High Street yesterday.

GnomeWATCH News have been assured by Chief Inspector Rod Slipper, the officer leading the hunt for the escaped gnome, that the 'net is closing in on the little shit.'

I have Chairman Tenji of the National Satirist Party of England on the line.
Neve: "Chairman, this is good news?"
Tenji: "Absolutely, Neve. I have said all along that the British people would not allow this vicious terrorist to escape the hangman's—er—a fair and balanced trial by a jury of his peers. Clearly, the previous bidder is not English, despite their protestations to the contrary. This development proves that my warnings about the evils of international Gnomery have struck a chord within the National breast; a breast, moreover, which is now heaving with suppressed indignation at the temerity of those Gnomish apologists who think they can pull the wool over our eyes with their wishy-washy liberalism and sentimental yapping."
Neve: "But the gnome is still at large, Chairman. Isn't it a bit early to break out the champagne?"
Tenji: "Not at all. His recapture is as certain as my re-election as Prime Minister. The police have staked out every fishpond in the area and thrown a cordon around the town. He cannot get far. In fact, Chief Inspector Slipper has had a valuable lead this afternoon. The noose is tightening, Neve. I wish I could say more...national security...foreign powers...that kind of thing. Look, I have to run, emergency cabinet meeting at four with the Joint Chiefs of Staff."

Neve: "Er…thank you, Chairman. That was Chairman Tenji of the National Satirist Party of England. We have just received a copy of the statement made by 'gnomesis'—the bidder who is currently leading the auction. This is what he's said:"

'The Gnome will die. The so-called GLM is a joke who couldn't liberate their own bottom with both hands in a well-lit room. Not only will the evil little shite die, he will die very slowly and painfully. We have the means to extend his slow demise over days—possibly weeks. We may even post pictures of his ugly mush, bloodshot gnomey eyes out on stalks, lips twisted into a rictus of pain, hands pleading for mercy from his heartless tormentors who will...laugh as our steel hammers finally descend on his pointy red bonce. He's history mate.'

Well, 'gnomesis' certainly doesn't mince his words. But let us not allow these shocking threats to make us feel sorry for the poor red-hatted chappie. It was this gnome that abused Snow White, masterminded the vice ring in St Neots, organised the 'hats-off' protest that crippled our motorways and has been raiding fishponds up and down the country for weeks. The sooner he is back in police custody the better. This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH news at the eBay gnome auction.

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