|Gnome Interrogated by Vicious Dog|
Our Gnome Crisis correspondent Oleg Vimen reports
After his dramatic recapture by vigilante satirists yesterday, we have learned that the renegade gnome Gerald was subjected to systematic interrogation by a sadistic dog earlier in the week
"It was worse than Guantanamo in there," commented one shaken ex-vigilante as he vomited heavily onto our reporter's shoes. "I mean, soft cushions are one thing, even a really comfy chair doesn't phase me—every professional interrogator is expected to get his hands dirty in this game, but it turned my stomach when they started on his teddy...sorry...shouldn't have brought up teddies..."
GnomeWATCH news has learned that amongst the torments visited upon the self-styled 'Gerald’ during his previous incarceration was an attack by a fierce dog, Naturally our reporter was concerned about the cruelty and managed to catch up with the dog earlier this week. A specially trained RSPCA interpreter was able to provide the following transcript of our conversation with the animal.
Dog: "Get out! Get out! Get out, come any closer and I will bite you...you look a bit familiar, stay away...have we met...you seem a nice chap, Biscuit? Don’t mind if I do. Would you mind if I slobber on your trousers? Look, there’s this bit here in the middle of my tummy I can’t quite scratch—would you mind? (rolls over)
Dog: "Oh, now I remember, dopey little sod had spilt Marmite on his coat; I was helping to clean him up."
(Distant sound of a larder door opening, dog vanishes in a shower of drool.)
Naturally we were very relieved to be able to confirm that the dog had suffered no injury or trauma during the incident. We handed the transcript on to investigators who asked us not to release the text until after the gnome had been re-captured.
Chief Inspector Rod Slipper commented: "We found the comments by the dog most useful. We were misled into thinking the gnome would be looking for biscuits and so the wrong aisle of the Co-op was under police surveillance but we were pretty close to the action when the gnome was finally recaptured this morning."
Asked why police had not been able to protect Gerald from the vigilante group currently holding the gnome a spokestypeperson told us: "We had asked the Saturday girl to check if they had any custard creams in the storeroom and she disappeared for three hours during which time the gnome was caught and abducted by the vigilantes."
Asked if the custard creams had been found the spokestypeperson replied: "Nah, they ain’t got none."
So GnomeWATCH can report that, but for the absence of a sandwich-style biscuit confection from the shelves of a village Co-op, the gnome would this evening be in police custody. We ask how many other stock pantry items are absent from the shelves? And is this effecting other police operations? Can inefficiency in Britain’s village stores really be responsible for the wave of crime which is sweeping the nation? Unlikely as it sounds we think that this weeks events prove the link is there for all to see.
Tomorrow we ask if the plummeting sale of thongs is responsible for global warming.
Story © COPYRIGHT How Tenji. Illustration and design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 090406