|Gnome Factions in Fierce eBay Bidding War
Our woman at the ebay GnomeWATCH auction, Neve Milgo has the latest news
The Gnome crisis moved up several gears today when a fierce bidding war erupted between the Gnome Liberation Movement (GLM) and the mysterious, gnome-hater, 'gnomesis.'
The price on the renegade gnome's head is now approaching £200.00 and could go much higher if the two warring contestants continue to outbid each other. But it remains unclear what precisely the relationship is between the GLM who are bidding to save the renegade gnome and the Gnome Liberation Front. The GLF have so far remained aloof from the auction and categorically refused to enter into negotiation with the hostage takers, though we understand that they have sent a number of inflammatory press statements to the office of Chairman Tenji.
I put this point to the leader of the National Satirist Party of England earlier today.
Earlier today, GnomeWATCH news received a copy of the statement the GLF—not to be confused with the GLM who are bidding to save the gnome—sent to Chairman Tenji, together with his reply.
STATEMENT FROM THE Gnome Liberation Front
Your callous and callow plot to ransom or destroy that poor fellow is abhorrent to anyone that holds freedom, liberty and equality in his or her heart. But what can you expect from a bunch of Limey bastards that still have a stick up their asses about losing an empire. You've run out of regular size people to push around so you're going after these loveable people whose only crime is being born short. I have no doubt that even if someone pays your despicable ransom you'll go ahead and execute the poor chap. And just because you claim you'll donate the proceeds to amnesty international don't think that will wash the resin from your hands.
Your vicious attack on all gnomekind, with plans to require an identifiable uniform and surveillance of all gnome congregations smacks of the worst kind of nazi fascism. Just to be clear, the GLF will not deal with the terrorist regime of Chairman Tenji. If we pay one ransom it will only encourage more gnomenappings. Rather we're taking our concerns to the UN Security Council. John Bolton is going to plead our case and browbeat all the rest of the pussies in the UN to signing. Then Cheney or Bush and Rummy will go ahead with the invasion of your pissant island without UN backing. It's not like that would be anything new. And Tony Blair will be in on it from the beginning too.'
Long live the gnomes!
STATEMENT FROM THE OFFICE OF HOW TENJI
To draw a parallel between our wholly legitimate campaign to repatriate gnomes and the policies espoused by an Austrian painter seventy years ago is to see the analogy but signally miss the irony. Our office bookmaker is giving short odds on the correspondent being Canadian.
Tony Blair is a spent force in British politics; Chairman Tenji took the role of Prime Minister some weeks ago following a surprise last minute burst of irony amongst the electorate. It is unlikely, therefore, that there will be any British support for the UN resolution proposed by the GLF. Indeed, as a permanent member of the Security Council we will be blocking all such moves. Furthermore, the US would not have the balls to launch an attack against a real army, especially without Britain to bail them out of trouble and show them which way up to hold the maps.
Of more concern is the Gnome Liberation Movement itself, who seem to have international backers—possibly in the Michigan area—and do not seem unwilling to use their ill-gotten gnome-dollars to pay for the liberation of the hostage.
Naturally, as a responsible government, we cannot endorse any particular bidding faction but if we were allowed to, it would be 'gnomesis' who would enjoy our support. His level headed, even-handed views on the gnome question put the partisan, self styled pro-gnomists to shame.'
The only response to this astonishing exchange from the mysterious gnome-hating 'gnomesis' has been a terse email sent to GnomeWATCH news a few hours ago:
It remains to be seen who will win this gripping contest, but there can be little doubt that unless the gnomish ringleader is recaptured soon, the only thing going under the hammer will be the contestants. This is Neve Milgo for GnomeWATCH News at the eBay Gnome auction.
Story © COPYRIGHT Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 070406