Your correspondent is truly shocked by the devious depths to which the renegade gnome has stooped. After yesterday’s lack of real news it looked as though the apologists for Gnomery might have a point; is this gnome really as dangerous as we have been led to believe? Was the self-styled Gerald P Floyd really ‘at large’ or just running scared?
Self-confessed 'gnome lover', Yasui Ho, clearly doesn't think so. Yasui (22), was the young exchange student from Yokohama our photographer snapped yesterday openly fondling the red-hatted chappie. Actually, the athletic miss did a lot more than 'fondle' the three-foot short gnome, but we are unable to record what happened after she bundled him into the back of a Mitsubishi Shogun owning to the amount of condensation on the 4x4's steamy windows. When police arrived at the scene, the Japanese beauty tore her luscious lips away from the gnome's shiny, red helmet just long enough to insist that the pair were 'only necking.' Well, if that's necking my wife clearly had no grounds to divorce me after she found me 'necking' our next-door neighbour's 17-year-old French Au Pair. Unfortunately, the nimble-footed gnome make his escape through the tailgate of the 4x4 before police could apprehend him, hotly pursued by a distraught Ms Ho whose designer thong had unaccountably become wrapped around the fish-napper's hat.
Whilst shameless oriental harlots may have little to fear from the gnome other than a nasty rash, it is a different story for the rest of us. Any doubt of the renegade gnome's true nature was dispelled today when as he savagely attacked a broody old hen and stole her only egg. I was able to interview the deeply shocked victim shortly after the attack.
Oleg: "Good afternoon madam, I understand that you have recently suffered a very traumatic experience."
Hen: "Have you seen my egg? I laid it in here and it seems to have gone."
Oleg: "Er, no, sorry, now about this gn—"
Hen: "—Would you like some grain? I seem to have some here, don’t know where it came from. My sister had some too you know. Young man, you don’t look very warm, you appear to have no feathers. I was out looking for worms earlier; do you like worms? I do. Would you—"
Oleg: (interrupting) "—Actually I was hoping to talk about a..."
Hen: "Have you seen my egg? It reminds me of yesterday. I lost an egg then too—or was it the day before? Are you sure you are warm enough? Have you seen the fox? I saw him yesterday he ate my sister you know, well I think it did or maybe not? Who can say? Crikey! A Chicken house! Where did that come from? You’d think I would have been told wouldn’t you? Who are you? Can I help? You don’t look very warm."
Oleg (shouting): "Madam, I understand you were attacked by a gnome."
Hen: "A gnome, a gnome, yes I remember it as if it were yesterday—or the day before, well this week certainly. I think, maybe. Did I mention the gnome? There was a man asking about it just now, oh it was you! Was it you the gnome attacked? It was here a little while ago; it hadn’t seen my egg either. Do you want some grain? I seem to have some here; did you see the gnome as well? Have you got some grain for me? No? Oh. No hang on look there’s some here—would you like some? Have you seen an egg by any chance? You look very cold. Where are you going? We were having such a nice chat. Come back! Who was he? Hello, are you a tree? I’m a hen, I think. Do you want some grain?"
A sadly traumatised animal, but egg-napping was only the beginning for this master of crime. Shortly after his vicious attack on this defenceless hen, 'Gerald' went on to fish in a nearby pond despite the presence of a clearly displayed ‘no fishing’ notice. I spoke to the owner of the pond this afternoon who came within a hair's breadth of recapturing the renegade gnome.
Oleg: "Mrs Bradshaw, I understand that the gnome was fishing illegally in your pond?"
Mrs Bradshaw: "Yes, that's right. Me youngest—Stacy—spotted him first and ran out to shoo him away. I'd never have heard the last of it if the little bugger had had it away with me husband's prize carp."
Oleg: "What happened then?"
Mrs Bradshaw: "Stacy says he made a pass at her."
Oleg: "He did what?"
Mrs Bradshaw: "The filthy beast said he'd let her play with his rod if she got him potty. From what I could see he was already potty. Yelling his head off about that nice Chairman Tenji and trying to get into my little girl's knickers. Well, that was enough for me, I dropped the baking tin and—"
Oleg: "—I think he meant 'pottie'—potted shrimp. It's like crack cocaine to them, you know. So did he...did she...did they—"
Mrs Bradshaw: "—No she did not! She told him what he could with his 'rod' and hit him with her iPod."
Oleg: "Good heavens! Was there much damage?"
Mrs Bradshaw: "Well...it was already a bit scratched. They're not very durable, you know...Apple say that you should keep them in a case but then no one would be able to see the logo would they? So Stacy says anyway. That thing cost me fifty quid on eBay—"
Oleg: "—No, I meant to the gnome."
Mrs Bradshaw: "Oh…no…well...not until I sat on him. I'm a bit over my target weight at the moment on account of my legs...Jim reckons it's the chocolate but the doctor says..."
Oleg: "You sat on him?"
Mrs Bradshaw: "The gnome panicked when Stacy hit him. Then he tripped over his fishing rod and fell on top of the dead goldfish. That's when I rushed out and sat on the sod to restrain him until Stacy could call the police. Unfortunately, I'd left something in the oven for me husband's tea and had to go back indoors after ten minutes. Of course, as soon as I got off of him, the bugger scarpered. The police said I was lucky he didn't bite me. Apparently gnome bites can bring you out in a nasty rash. My friend Sheila says—"
Oleg: (cutting her off) "—Er...thank you, Mrs Bradshaw. That was Mrs Bradshaw from East Purley whose lovely daughter narrowly escaped a serious assault by the gnome today."
The red-hatted terrorist was last seen scavenging for food behind Ponsonby's grocers in the High Street. Police have urged the public to remain vigilant and not to approach the gnome unless they are carrying a large baseball bat.
In other news today, North Korea has sent the US ambassador in Seoul a dead fugu fish wrapped in newspaper in retaliation against the nuclear strike launched on the country yesterday. A spokestypeperson for Kim Jong-il said the gift was a 'proportional and measured response' to yesterday’s obliteration of three of Korea's largest cities.
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