Funny Stories
Threesomes
Threesomes: not all they're cracked up to be Threesomes
Everybody's sexual fantasy not all it's cracked up to be

by our man with the sheepish grin,
Don Pitts
Threesomes
Ah yes, the threesome; everybody’s sexual fantasy. Men dream of two beautiful women dedicated to bringing them to the peak of ecstasy, never stopping to consider how rare it is to find even one woman with that goal in mind. With this sobering fact in hand (along with my best friend), I will relate my gruesome threesome experiences in the vain hope of dispelling your fantasies before they become tragedies. This is not an erotic article, as you’ll quickly discover, so please take your hand out of your pants.

My first sexual experience was a threesome. I was thirteen at the time and had been admiring one particular young ewe for several months, when finally my lust got the better of me. In my efforts to pen her, I also penned another, rather less prepossessing old ewe, but who I was sure could be safely ignored. I quickly learned that foreplay with sheep is not only useless but entirely unappreciated, so I began the task of gratifying my lust. No sooner has I gained entry into the desired sanctuary, and was congratulating myself with my success, when the most awful thing happened. The young ewe’s ability to bound, enhanced by my youthful thrusting from behind, enabled her to jump over the fence. So there I stood, pants around my ankles, engorged with lust, with only the ugly old ewe to satisfy it. Certainly that is a threesome I'd rather forget, though I fear the farmer who caught me will never let me.

Luckily, my trashy high school mannerisms attracted a bevy of young sluts eager to bend to my will and sheep became a fading memory. But despite my best efforts, opportunities for threesomes eluded me, though like all boys I continually fantasised about them. My next threesome was even more unwelcome than my encounter with the sheep. I was seventeen, hitchhiking home after driving a truck all night. Two kindly gentlemen picked me up and allowed me to sleep in the back of their car as they drove. Imagine my surprise when I awoke to find them fondling and undressing me! My quick, young mind rapidly assessed the opportunities offered by a three-man threesome, concluding that while one or two of them might offer some form of pleasurable gratification, the vast majority of options open to me, did not. I escaped, half dressed but with a virgin ass. As I bolted from the still moving car and bounded over a fence, my thoughts went back to that pretty ewe, with a new, strange sense of camaraderie.

A strange circumstance when I was nineteen offered me my first consensual threesome. I’m attracted to strong women, and was soon to learn this attracted me toward a statistically greater risk of disaster. A lot of girls I like—well, rather like girls too and I quickly discovered that dating them was a pretty shitty idea. My eighteen-year-old girlfriend was quite athletic, and had a room mate who was equally so. I eventually learned that my lady was frolicking with both me and her roommate; a secret she kept from both her partners. Upon learning of her duel betrayal, the room mate and I were equally hurt, and began to heal the pain by meeting each other behind our lover’s back, or on one occasion, behind her front. This was shitty idea number two, as my sweetheart bloodied us both up a bit. Average sized men should not date female rugby players, nor be caught in an indefensible position by one. Her rugby boot connected sharply with my most exposed body part and the male pride she most wanted to injure was seriously dented, if not entirely bent out of shape. But tempers eased, and we began working through our dilemma. We finally concluded a threesome was the solution. This, by the way, was shitty idea number three.

I tossed and turned the night before the big event. Well, mostly I wanted to toss, but as this is a story about threesomes and not masturbation, we'll skip that. Let's just say that I was up all night with an impossible erection, but determined to save it for every man’s fantasy. I would prove my virility, be the envy of every man, and render two girls completely legless. But as events unfolded, I quickly learned that there was no place to put this carefully preserved erection. The two ladies had their routine so well developed that there was no free orifice, leaving me to masturbate, thinking about the sheep. They totally ignored me, just as the pretty ewe had done so many years before.

My next opportunity came while serving as a young Marine lieutenant. I met a gorgeous young woman in a bar, beautiful, very feminine, and obviously heterosexual. She seemed to like me a lot, and was not backward in coming forward. In fact, she made a point of pushing her considerable assets in my direction. The conversation quickly turned to how much we’d like to get a room. As we left the bar to go to my hotel, she asked—'as an afterthought'—if it would be OK to bring her young, female friend. 'It's her twenty-first birthday' she explained with a smirk that left nothing to the imagination, 'and she would enjoy you as much as I will.'

BOING! My fantasy was going to be fulfilled! The eager anticipation with which I answered the knock on my hotel room door subsided as fast as my erection when I saw her friend. She was a young female allright, but—uh—weighed about 350 pounds and instantly revived fonder memories of that ugly old ewe. I was horrified! The bird I’d met in the bar was gorgeous; any man would do anything to get within ten feet of her. But tonight was indeed 'Big Bertha’s' birthday, and the route to the beautiful lass’ pie went through her obese friend. Satisfy the rotund ton of fun on her birthday and you get the princess. I will not disclose the details of that night nor my course of action, except to reveal that the hot wax of birthday candles burns your bare ass.

A few years later, I met a nice couple in a bar. He was American, she Korean. She said little, but was friendly and very flirty. He was friendly, jovial, and generous with buying drinks. As the evening progressed, he began to tell me how much his beautiful, young wife enjoyed threesomes. Ok, this was something new, and after several drinks began to look like a fun idea. In fact, it was shitty idea number four. Once we were in their room, he seemed distant at first, content to let me have my way with his beautiful, obliging wife, who often giggled for no apparent reason. Then I experienced some very strange sensations as the husband moved into the act. None of his attention was directed toward his wife, and I began having horrific flashbacks to the backseat of a sedan, with two guys undressing me and inviting me for a threesome.

But this wasn’t two guys, it was one lovely girl and a very horny queer. Like the situation with the gorgeous girl and the fat slob, one’s value system comes under deep scrutiny at these moments. Is the girl worth it? Admittedly, my value system could use some tuning, as I considered the options for several minutes, part of me having sex with a lovely lady, part of me being caressed by hands rougher than a goalie’s. I wondered if I could satisfy myself and the girl before the husband made significant progress. Then I felt a hard, warm object pressing against my back door. Like the pretty ewe a decade ago, his first thrust assisted me in making a spectacular leap and I legged it down the hall stark bollock naked. The only people I met on the way to my room were two obviously gay guys who were not offended at all, and I think even considered inviting me in.

My experience with threesomes clearly suggests that only a complete idiot would consider such an arrangement. I’ve been a victim of an untimely escape, bait and switch, utterly ignored and almost rudely penetrated by gentlemen who didn’t even have the decency to buy a reasonable lube. I’m not likely to be interested in any more threesomes, unless I’m drinking of course, which I happen to be every night. But I’m now pondering what a threesome might hold for a woman. Most women I know would not tolerate sharing a man’s attention with another woman, though some say they’d like to try two men. Really? I wonder. Considering that many women expect the man to do most of the work, that sounds like the height of laziness. Then there’s the over-achieving, athletic girl, who wants to brag to her friends about leaving two men in an exhausted, sweaty heap, conquered and spent. This is nothing more than the women’s version of every man’s unfulfilled fantasy, and is probably universally unfulfilled as well. Of course if one of the men is secretly gay this provides a lady with some mirthful entertainment. I’ll bet the Korean chick laughs her ass off every night.

If nothing else, I am loyal. The old ewe had a peaceful and comfortable retirement

Threesomes
Threesomes
If you enjoyed this story you may enjoy perusing the pages of:
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Threesomes
Story © Don Pitts 2005. Pictures and construction © utterpants.co.uk /190605
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