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Snow White and the Seven Dwarves — A Steamy Adult Fairy Tale Page 3

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Snow White and the Seven Dwarves; a steamy adult fairy tale with all the naughty bits the Brothers Grimm left out

The dwarves muttered a bit at that, but the sight of Snow White's heaving bosom beneath the duvet, not to mention the ebony hair she flicked back from her lovely face and her exceedingly pretty, cherry-red lips, soon convinced them that looking a gift horse in the mouth is one thing, kicking the most beautiful girl in the land out of your bed at two in the morning is sheer stupidity. So they let her sleep while they tossed and turned until morning. Well, mostly they took it in turns to watch her while they tossed off into her knickers.

Next morning the seven dwarves formally introduced themselves to Snow White and apologised for soiling her underwear which they promised to replace at the earliest opportunity. Tearfully, she told them how her wicked stepmother had tried to kill her, how the TV presenter had generously spared her life (without going into just how generous she'd been) and how she had run all day until at last she found their little house. It was when she asked them who was in charge that they realised that her stunning looks were marred by a rather distressing disability.

"Who has the highest wank here?" she asked.
"Me!" cried Robert, eagerly unbuttoning his trousers.
"No, me!" shouted Rodney, shouldering Robert roughly aside.
"Me! me!" chorused the remaining five dwarves, all vying for her attention.
"Not wank!" snapped Snow White, stamping her foot petulantly, "I said wank. Are you deaf as well as stupid?"
The dwarves stared at her open-mouthed, except for Roger, who had his mighty weapon in his hand and was working himself up to an explosive proof of his virility, when Snow White cuffed him soundly around the head and told him to put his enormous log away.
Roger reluctantly complied while she asked them all again who had the highest rank—only this time she used the word 'position'. Well, what she actually said was 'pwosishun', but at least it was less open to misinterpretation than 'rank.'
"Me." said Dick.

Well his name was really Richard, but the others called him 'Dick' so as not to get confused with Rick whose real name was also Richard. Which was a blessing for Snow White because it was the only name of the seven she could pronounce pwoperly—I mean, properly. You see, for all her beauty and wit, not to mention her ability to transfer a firm banana from her lovely breasts to her silken thighs just by wiggling her hips (as we shall discover later), Snow White was spectacularly unable to handle her 'r's. Well, that's not entirely true, she could handle her arse rather well, as Wodger—sorry, Roger, will have good reason to discover soon enough; it was the pronunciation of it that she had trouble with. It came out as 'warse'. In short, the poor girl had a howwibly—sorry—horribly disfiguring speech impediment.

After bweakfast—sorry, breakfast, The dwarves coughed portentously and told Snow White they had an attractive proposition to put to her.
"Walph has alweady asked me," said Snow White with a contemptuous toss of her head. "He can dwess in my fwock if he must, but not my knickers."
"No, not that," said Roger. "We want to—"
"Play with my wabbit, I know. Wodney and Wobert are such howwible perves. Well you can't, so there!"
"No, not that either!" exclaimed the dwarves in unison.
"The thing is..." began Dick sheepishly. "We're not very good at..."
"We're a bit...um...untidy," added Rodney.
"And we can't cook to save our lives," muttered Roger, "So we were wondering if..."
"Just tell her," said Rick, poking him none too gently in the ribs.
"Well, would you keep house for us?" blurted out Robert.
“I’m sowwy, what were you saying?" asked Snow White, closing her mouth with an audible snap. "I got distwacted by Wick's enormous willy."

"Er.. we were wondering if you could see you way clear to.." continued Robert.
"Keeping house for us, and, um.." added Ross.
"Doing all the cooking, washing and cleaning," added Ralph.
"And make the beds.." said Rick.
"Mend our socks.." said Dick.
"Iron our underpants.." said Rodney
"And keep everything neat and tidy..." said Roger.
"And we'll let you can stay with us for nothing," they all finished together.
"Wha?" gasped Snow White.
"Of course, we'd h-help," spluttered Roger.
"Sometimes.." added Ross.
"Wha?" repeated Snow White turning redder than her pretty mouth which opened and closed several times in shocked surprise.
"Oppss..." said the Dwarves in unison and scrambling out of their seven tiny chairs, made a precipitate rush for the door.

"Stop wight there!" shouted Snow White. "Let me get this stwaight. You want me to soil my lovely white hands cooking, cleaning and washing, not to mention mending your howwid socks and handling your gwubby undies in weturn for fwee board and lodging? Is that wight?"
"Um..in a word...er, yes." said the dwarves.
"I've got a better idea," giggled Snow White. "I think you'd better sit down."
The dwarves slunk back to the table and sat down, their rosy faces rapt with attention, not unmixed with fear, lust and a puppy-like devotion that was pitiful to behold.
"You keep house, clean, wash, cook, sew, and make my full-size double bed—which I expect you to have here by tonight—and in weturn you can help me to impwove my carwnwal knowledge."
"OK!" chorused the dwarves, hugging themselves with delight.
"Oh..and there's just one more thing," said Snow White.
"Yes?"
"If any of you twy to peek while I'm playing with my wabbit I'll cut your wollocks off, OK?"
"I'll risk it," growled Ralph under his breath, or it might have been Roger
"I heard that," giggled Snow White. "No BJ for you tonight Wodger, you wandy lickle wascal!"

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© 2005 Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © Keli McTaggart / 050205
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Funny Stories is packed full of some of the most original and hilarious short stories you'll find anywhere on the internet.

From scathingly witty parodies of the literature of the last century like The Evils of Coffee and How to detect Self Abuse in Young Girls, through stories about Wrapping presents with a Cat, Performance Art and the Perils of Public Toilets, to advice on how not to save your marriage and the dangers of Threesomes, Funny Stories contains some of the very best writing Utterpants has to offer.

With such a wide range of outstanding material, it is almost impossible to single out anything that, er—stands out, but our adult version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as Jennifer Gardner's many stories, are all firm favourites with our readers.

Can there be a funnier title than If my Pussy smells like Tuna, why doesn't my Cat eat me out? We don't think so, nor have we read a better satire on the differences between men and women than The Penis Paragraphs - jointly written by Don Pitts and Jennifer Gardner.

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