NCE upon cold a midwinter's day when the snowflakes were hissing down like feathers from a ripped duvet, a very pretty, out-of-work, 'B-list' actress was shaving her legs, when she cut her finger. "Bugger!" she exclaimed. "I knew it was a mistake to shave when it was minus ten outside." But the drops of blood looked so beautiful on her snow white thighs that she thought to herself: "If only I had a daughter who was as white as snow with lips as red as blood and hair as black as my pretty bush, she could get onto Teen Idol!" Her wish came true all too quickly when she discovered that the cute plumber who'd come to clean out her pipes hadn't had a vasectomy after all. Nine months later she gave birth to a beautiful daughter, who was as white as snow, with lips as red as blood, and hair as black as her pretty bush. So naturally she called her Jennifer, but everyone else called her 'Snow White.' Unfortunately, the actress was as dim as she was beautiful and died from blood poisoning when her untreated finger turned septic.

A year later, her even dimmer husband, who hadn't twigged that an ugly ginger tosser couldn't possibly be the father of a cute arsed, dark-haired daughter, married another 'B-list' actress. Only this tart had even bigger tits, a firmer bottom and was as slippery as a trouser snake and twice as cunning—and she knew it. She also had a magic mobile—or cellphone to our American readers—and when she turned on the built-in camera to admire herself (which she did rather often), she keyed in:
"Mobile, mobile, in my hand
who's the hottest babe in all the land?"
And the mobile answered:
"You, O Mistress, are hottest in the land. Er..mistress?"
"Yes?" asked the actress.
"Want me to go into vibrate mode?"
"Not just now, thanks."
"Not even a quickie?"
"No, your news has given me a bigger thrill than you ever could. Now piss off."
"Suit yourself."

That set her mind at rest, for she knew Motorola picture-in-picture, 5G, Wap-enabled mobile phones never lied. But as Snow White filled out in all the right places and soft grass grew on her pitch, she became more and more beautiful, and by the time she was seventeen, her narrow waist, firm bum and perky breasts that looked like two scoops of ice cream with a cherry on top, made men soil their pants as soon as they set eyes on her. Well, women thought she was pretty hot too, but they mostly wet themselves in rage and envy.

One day when the evil Tart turned on her mobile to check what the press were saying about her latest, drunken publicity stunt, she keyed in as usual:
"Mobile, mobile, in my hand
who's the hottest babe in all the land?"
And the mobile answered:
"Sorry, you are being held in a queue. Your call is important to me and will be answered as soon as I've finished eavesdropping on Snow White's fan mail."
"What the fuck!" shrieked the Tart. "Snow who?"
"Er..Snow White," answered the mobile. "Your cute, um stepdaughter. Wow! Is she getting some hot texts!"
"Jennifer? Do you mean that clueless slut Jennifer?"
"No one calls her that apart from you. Here, wanna read what some guy has just texted her?"

"Just answer the fucking question you dumb box of chips!"
"Um..yes..Jennifer is totally hot."
"So? I didn't ask you about her, I asked you who's the hottest babe in all the land!"
"Well.. you're still quite hot..I mean, I'd still do you—probably..."
"Still? Probably?" screamed the actress hysterically. "Just tell me; who's the best lay in all the land?"
"Well..you were..but your bum has clearly seen better days, not to mention your tits."
"WHAT?!! What did you just say? Are you telling me there's someone hotter than me?"
"I'm trying to, you cloth-eared bint. She makes you look like an ageing slapper who's been cobbled together from silicone implants left over from bad boob jobs."
"Who is the bitch? I'll fucking kill her!"
"Er..I just told you; your step-daughter, Snow White."
"I'll kill the fucking bitch!" the Tart yelled, and flung the mobile across the room.

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