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NCE upon cold a midwinter's day when the snowflakes were hissing down like feathers from a ripped duvet, a very pretty, out-of-work, 'B-list' actress was shaving her legs, when she cut her finger. "Bugger!" she exclaimed. "I knew it was a mistake to shave when it was minus ten outside." But the drops of blood looked so beautiful on her snow white thighs that she thought to herself: "If only I had a daughter who was as white as snow with lips as red as blood and hair as black as my pretty bush, she could get onto Teen Idol!" Her wish came true all too quickly when she discovered that the cute plumber who'd come to clean out her pipes hadn't had a vasectomy after all. Nine months later she gave birth to a beautiful daughter, who was as white as snow, with lips as red as blood, and hair as black as her pretty bush. So naturally she called her Jennifer, but everyone else called her 'Snow White.' Unfortunately, the actress was as dim as she was beautiful and died from blood poisoning when her untreated finger turned septic.
A year later, her even dimmer husband, who hadn't
twigged that an ugly ginger tosser couldn't possibly be the father of
a cute arsed, dark-haired daughter, married another 'B-list' actress.
Only this tart had even bigger tits, a firmer bottom and was as slippery
as a trouser snake and twice as cunning—and she knew it. She also
had a magic mobile—or cellphone to our American readers—and
when she turned on the built-in camera to admire herself (which she
did rather often), she keyed in:
That set her mind at rest, for she knew Motorola picture-in-picture, 5G, Wap-enabled mobile phones never lied. But as Snow White filled out in all the right places and soft grass grew on her pitch, she became more and more beautiful, and by the time she was seventeen, her narrow waist, firm bum and perky breasts that looked like two scoops of ice cream with a cherry on top, made men soil their pants as soon as they set eyes on her. Well, women thought she was pretty hot too, but they mostly wet themselves in rage and envy.
One day when the evil Tart turned on her mobile to
check what the press were saying about her latest, drunken publicity
stunt, she keyed in as usual:
"Just answer the fucking question you dumb
box of chips!"
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© 2005 Miranda S Givings. Illustration and design © Keli McTaggart / 050205
FIRST PUBLISHED: February 2005. SECOND EDITION: October 2005. The author made minor corrections and changes to this story in October 2005