Funny Stories

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By our man who knows a hot headline when he reads one, Don Pitts

It was a joyous day in my family, the birth of a granddaughter. It was the first child for this couple, he my most successful son, she the dream daughter-in-law, and a child that was well planned for in all respects. They are an ambitious couple, quite wealthy for their years, very hard-working, investing wisely, and always loving. You just knew their daughter would be the same.

Similar fond thoughts filled my head during the flight and my taxi got me to the hospital well before other family members arrived for the morning. I headed for the nursery, certain I could find my granddaughter amongst the others. It should be easy after all as the names were clearly marked on the cradles.

Imagine my shock when I saw my last name on a cradle that listed the first and middle names as: 'Pussy Amateur Nude Teen Slut! I was certain an over-worked, underpaid nurses’ aid had become jealous of the wealth, beauty and success of this young couple and perpetrated this cruel revenge. I vowed I’d have her dismissed immediately.

Then my son appeared, the usual big smile and swagger, yet exuding his normal unassuming friendliness. I immediately tried to shield that disgusting name tag from him, but he’s young and moves quickly. “Isn’t Kitty beautiful?” he enthusiastically asked.

“Ah,” I replied, “so her name is Kitty!” I couldn’t hide my sense of relief and satisfaction. “What a nice, cute, friendly, cuddly name! So what’s her middle name?”

He couldn’t hide his fervour. “Her legal name is written right there,” he said, pointing to the cradle. She’s legally 'Pussy Amateur Nude Teen Slut Pitts.' But we’ll call her Kitty around the house. It's her nickname.”

I had to sit down. I’ve reared a number of children, both my own and adopted and I thought I’d seen everything. For the first time in my life I was speechless. From this couple, of all people, the perfect kids, I get this? Finally I stammered: “W-why?”

“Oh,” he answered quickly, “we want the very best for our daughter. You’re old and I know your generation named kids in honour of parents and ancestors, star athletes, actors, musicians, friends; but today life is more competitive and we have to name our kids for success! That little girl will have to compete for her fame and wealth against a shrinking world of billions of educated, ambitious kids. She’ll need every advantage she can get!”

“B-b-but,” I stammered, “Pussy Amateur Nude Teen Slut Pitts?”
“Yes!” he cried passionately. “Today its all about key words!”

I understand key words. I write scientific articles and each submission must include key words so the paper may be better accessed by other scholars. But, uh—Pussy Amateur Nude Teen Slut?

“You see,” he explained excitedly, “those are the most popular key words in the world! Those are the key words typed into search engines literally billions of times a day. Its been that way since Al Gore invented the internet, and it will be that way long after we’re gone. OK, actually some English dude invented the internet but what matters is that our little baby girl owns those words!”

“B-b-but who wants them?” I asked shakily, my voice quavering with suppressed shock.

“Everybody wants them!” he answered. “The CEO, the college professor, the university registrar, the corporate buyer—they all type those key words everyday. You type them, I type them, the president of the Senate types them. Now they’ll all be directed to her website, which, by the way, is already registered,” he added smugly.

“My god!”
“Look, dad!” he continued. “Just imagine, when she’s in high school, running for cheerleader or student council, everybody will know who she is because they hit her website every day while searching for porn. Of course her site will have just enough nudity to keep them there to read all her athletic and academic credentials so she can’t lose! Imagine, the volleyball coach has to decide who will be team captain, and every time she tries to relax a few minutes with some porn, she’ll be directed to Kitty’s website and bombarded by all the reasons she’s the only logical choice for the job."
"I can see you've given this some thought," I began, but—"

“—You bet!" interrupted my son. "The same will happen when she applies for the best of universities. The admissions officers will be so familiar with her credentials that her acceptance will be a slam-dunk! That football team quarterback destined to earn millions won’t be able to escape her either! He’ll hit her site so many times he’ll have her phone number memorised!
Thank about it, dad! Getting her first job out of college will be a snap. Every time the personnel officers want to pull up a little porn, he or she gets Kitty’s resume! If she goes into sales or starts her own business, her customers will be constantly directed to her website and her sales pitch millions of times a day, whether they want to or not!"
"Yes, I see, but—"

My son ignored me. Caught up in the euphoria of his master plan, the fruit of my loins continued, punctuating his remarks with ever more flamboyant gestures. "She’ll probably be a famous actress, though. Casting directors will be continually directed to her site and her professionally prepared pitch for the part. She’ll be more famous than Paris Hilton—but with a catchier name—even before she makes her first movie! Then she pitches her movie, fan club and merchandise on her website. The same website, of course, that gets more hits than any other in the world.
This will continue throughout her life! Kitty is destined to be the most totally famous and successful woman ever, all because we named her good keys words. Even in her passing, hers will be the most widely read obituary ever.”

Admittedly still shaken, but slowly coming to grips with the logic of his arguments and the inevitability of the situation, I searched my soul for solace. Finally I tried to show some appreciation by saying: “Well, thank god she wasn’t born a boy!”

“Oh,” he enthused: “You mean Big Dick Gay Ass Fucker? We've registered that too!”

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Story © Don Pitts 2005. Picture & construction © / 160905
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Funny Stories is packed full of some of the most original and hilarious short stories you'll find anywhere on the internet.

From scathingly witty parodies of the literature of the last century like The Evils of Coffee and How to detect Self Abuse in Young Girls, through stories about Wrapping presents with a Cat, Performance Art and the Perils of Public Toilets, to advice on how not to save your marriage and the dangers of Threesomes, Funny Stories contains some of the very best writing Utterpants has to offer.

With such a wide range of outstanding material, it is almost impossible to single out anything that, er—stands out, but our adult version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as Jennifer Gardner's many stories, are all firm favourites with our readers.

Can there be a funnier title than If my Pussy smells like Tuna, why doesn't my Cat eat me out? We don't think so, nor have we read a better satire on the differences between men and women than The Penis Paragraphs - jointly written by Don Pitts and Jennifer Gardner.

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