"Well?" said the grandmother eventually, "are you just going to sit there rubbing your neck or are you going to skin up some spliff?"
"I don't have any spliff, your granddaughter has it. Wait a minute—if you're a vampire that means your delicious little grand—"
"—is not on the menu," interrupted the grandmother sharply. "Vampires do have some standards, you know. And one of them is not snacking on our own family. But..."
"But what?" asked the werewolf eagerly.
"There's nothing to stop you eating her. As long as I get a drink out of it."
The werewolf chuckled and rubbed his hands together gleefully. "You sly old bloodsucker. So what do I have to do to gobble up your delicious granddaughter?"
"Pretend you're me. She's so short sighted she'll never notice the difference if you put on my clothes and imitate my voice."
"And what's in it for you?" asked the werewolf slyly.
"I've been having a spot of bother with some New Age vampires. If you promise to dispose of them you can have Jennifer."
"It's a deal," said the werewolf. "You're almost as hot as she is. Any chance of a quickie before she comes?"
"Certainly not!" said the grandmother primly. "Rumours of our libidinous instincts are greatly exaggerated. I don't do it with just anyone you know and certainly not a hairy-arsed animal like you. But you can do what you like to Jennifer. It's not as if she's going to care after you've eaten her, is she? I assume you will be eating her?"
"Mmm, yes," said the werewolf, licking his lips in anticipation. "Especially her sweet little cherry. How old is she?"
"Sixteen, said the grandmother. "And desperate to lose her virginity to an animal like you."
"Splendid!" said the werewolf. "I've never eaten virgin before. "Mind if I use your casket?"
"Be my guest," said the grandmother. "It's time I got up anyway. There's a very toothsome young boy who works in the bar around the corner I'd quite like to get my fangs into. Do remember to leave a drink for me and don't get blood all over the furniture."
Meanwhile, Little Red Riding Hood had spent so long picking out gifts for her grandmother, that she'd lost all track of time and twilight was falling as she paid for her purchases. "Shit!" she muttered, as she spotted a fashionably dressed New Age vampire loitering behind a bus shelter. He grinned as he caught her eye, ostentatiously wiping his cherry-red lips as he let the young girl he'd just drained of her life's blood, slip to the pavement. "I knew I should have put more garlic on that pizza," she said to herself as the vampire crossed the road toward her. "What does mummy always say? Show them your cross." No sooner had she remembered the injunction than the effeminate ghoul was at her side, his sinuous tongue making the most disgusting suggestions. "Hello, little girl," he crooned sweetly. "Would you like me to eat that pretty red thong off you?"
"Fuck off, you minging wanker!" she shouted angrily and hit him in the face.
"Now—look," replied the vampire, taken aback by her outburst. "Just a little prick...you won't feel a thing, I promise you." He gave a howl of pain as she stamped viciously on his foot.
"No, I fucking well won't coz by the look of your jeans that tiny little thing would get lost inside a thimble, never mind my pussy. Now fuck off and go and bite someone who likes little pricks."
No sooner had the vampire burst into tears than she kicked him in the balls for good measure and sprinted across the road. "Fucking wanker," she muttered. "Wait 'til I tell granny that showing these sensitive New Age vamps how cross you are works much better than garlic."
When she got to her grandmother's flat she was a bit surprised to find the door open and even more surprised that there was no answer when she called a greeting. "My goodness, " she said to herself, "I'm normally so pleased to see my grandmother. Why am I so nervous today?" She stepped cautiously into the flat and made her way to her grandmother's bedroom. Then she went up to the casket and peered in. Hang on a minute! Grandmothers sleeping in caskets? Isn't that a bit unusual? Look, we've been through this already. This is a fairy story. And anyway, Little Red Riding Hood is clearly a bit of a slut or she wouldn't be wandering around the streets of London showing off her frilly red undies to every pervert, would she? Right, we'll get on, shall we?
Her grandmother had a dark veil pulled down low over her face and a cloak wrapped around her shoulders. "Very broad shoulders," the little girl thought to herself.
"Oh grandmother, what big shoulders you have!" she said.
"All the better to hug you with my pretty," said the grandmother. Well, actually it was the werewolf, but I think you've probably twigged that.
"Oh grandmother, what big eyes you have!"
"All the better to see you with."
"Oh grandmother, what big hands you have!"
"All the better to squeeze your perky little titties."
"Wha?" said Little Red Riding Hood, stepping back in alarm. "Gosh, your teeth are big...and what's that enormous thing underneath your cloak? OH-MY-GOSH..."
She screamed as the werewolf sprang from the casket, picked her up in his hairy arms and flung her on her grandmother's bed.
"Where's my granny?" she asked
The werewolf belched theatrically and rubbed his bulging stomach. Little Red Riding Hood's pretty blue eyes grew as large as saucers.
"You ATE granny? You bastard!"
"Well—I fucked her first. Now I'm going to fuck you!"
"And then you're going to eat me I suppose? Shouldn't I be the one eating you?"
"Look, I'm a fucking werewolf, not a spider."
"So I see," she giggled as she unzipped the werewolf's bulging trousers. "And such a BIG one too."
"What?" he asked in astonishment, as his muscles ripped through his shirt and talons protruded from his hands and feet.
"A werewolf," said Little Red Riding Hood matter-of-factly as she tugged his trousers off and freed his enormous manhood. "I knew that."
"You did?" he asked as his face transformed itself into the snout and fangs of a snarling wolf.
"Stockbrokers don't have hairy palms or yellow eyes."
"No. And anyway, I'd never fuck a stockbroker."
"No. Look—are you going to sit there with your snout hanging open or are you going to fuck me like a wild animal?"
Little Red Riding Hood wriggled out of her skirt and slid her pretty red thong down her thighs as the werewolf continued to gape at her. "I've always dreamed of being ravaged by a really fit werewolf."
"B-but I'll eat you, you silly child!" he stammered.
"Yeah, but whatta fucking way to go!" She squealed as she straddled him, flinging her arms around his neck and grinding her crotch against him.
"Come on, you animal!"
The werewolf needed no urging, and with a growl of unholy lust, ripped off her skimpy top and crushed his snarling lips against her breasts.
"J-just a minute," she said, "there's something you should know before you — uhh...mmm...yes — oh fuck yeah..."
She sighed deeply as the werewolf licked her belly and began circling her pert, pink nipples with his rough tongue.
"Look—I really think you should..." she began again as he took one nipple into his mouth and began to suck hungrily. She arched her back and spread her long legs as his enormous manhood grazed her thighs. The werewolf eyed her suspiciously as his curved talons idly stroked her breasts and belly.
"Are you trying to tell me you're not a virgin?" he asked.
"No," she moaned. "You're the first."
"Bit loose for a virgin, aren't you?" he asked.
"I ride a lot."
"Wooden pony...uhh...actually," gasped Little Red Riding Hood. "Don't stop now."
With that, she thrust her pelvis violently upwards and locked her thighs tightly behind his back. "But don't say I didn't— uhh...oh...god...yes—warn you. Oh, your fur is so sexy against my naked skin. Fuck me like an animal!"
"You little slut!" Laughed the werewolf, raking her back with his talons as his fangs fastened on her neck, ready to rip open her throat the moment his lust was satiated. Little Red Riding Hood began to buck and writhe beneath him, urging him to greater efforts. The werewolf wrung cry after cry from her throat until she stiffened and climaxed with a long, drawn-out moan. Which is more than he did. No sooner had she relaxed than his snout opened in an ear-shattering howl of pain and shock.
"Well...I did warn you," she giggled as she rolled out from under him. "Quick! Grandma, skin the fucker before he can change back!"
His scream trailed off into an animal whimper as he staggered up, clutching what remained of his manhood, his face contorted with indescribable anguish. "Y-you bitch!" he screamed. "Y-you evil little slu—"
The rest of his words were abruptly cut off as the grandmother, who had been hiding behind the curtains, snapped his neck with one powerful blow and wielding a curved butcher's knife, proceeded to strip the skin off him with practised skill.
"Gosh, that was brilliant," gushed Little Red Riding Hood. "Much better than riding my pony. I'm SOOO wet. Is it always this good? No wonder everyone wants to do it all the time."
"Do shut up, Jennifer," said her grandmother as she pulled the skin off the werewolf with a distasteful grimace. "This is positively the last time I have anything to do with your strange fancies. Why can't you be content with a faux fur coat like any normal teenager?"
"Sorry, grandma," said Little Red Riding Hood, sitting down on the bed and swinging her pretty legs to and fro. "It's WEREWOLF fur. Even Paris Hilton doesn't have a real werewolf coat. Gemma and Stacey are gonna be sooo jealous when I come to school in a real werewolf fur."
"How did you know he hadn't eaten me?" asked the grandmother as she flung the bleeding corpse aside and laid the skin across the back of a chair.
"I could see your feet sticking out from under the curtains when he was shagging me. Anyway, everyone knows a werewolf is no match for a vampire, especially one as clever as you grandmumsy." And with that, Little Red Riding Hood flung her arms around her grandmother's neck and kissed her madly.
"Now, stop that Jennifer. You know it gets my blood up."
"Oh, bite me, grandma, you know you want to. Please—just a little nip below my left ear, or maybe on the inside of my thighs..."
"I think there's been quite enough biting for one day," she said, gently disengaging herself from her granddaughter's passionate embrace and kissing her cheek fondly.
"Shall we smoke the spliff and drink the Brandy now, grandma? I do so love getting off after getting off."
"Not until you tell me what you did to the werewolf."
"Pussy teeth?" repeated the grandmother.
"Yeah," giggled Little Red Riding Hood, bending down and pulling a fiendish looking set of metal teeth from her pussy that would have made a piranha jealous. "I got them in the market. Serve the stupid wanker right for thinking a bloke could outwit two clever bitches like us."
"Ah," chuckled the grandmother. "Didn't I always say you'd fall in love at first bite?"
After they'd drunk all the Brandy and smoked all the spliff, the grandmother got out her deluxe Rabbit vibrator and was soon happier than she'd ever been. As for Little Red Riding Hood, she said to herself: "If I'd listened to my mother I'd have missed the chance to lose my virginity to a really fit werewolf and blag this wicked fur coat. Gosh, it's been such a brilliant day!"
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