|No Sex Tonight!
By our man who is no stranger to sleeping on the sofa, How Tenji
Male sexual politics prove to be no match for the sheer bloodymindedness of women
One evening last week my wife and I were getting into bed. Once I had tactfully reminded her that it was the third Saturday in a month with an 'R' in it, the plucky little woman lost no time is assuming the 'position' familiar to millions of British wives who endure the unpleasantness of conjugal relations five times a year (six, in a leap year). Naturally the lights were off and the curtains drawn. We're not Americans, after all.
Well, the passion started to heat up until she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
I think that I amazed her when I said, "That's fine dear. Why not buy one of those vibrating rocking horses too?"
"I don't feel like it," I repeated sweetly. "I just want you to HOLD the stuff for a while. You're not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." When her expression had darkened sufficiently to warn me that she was about to kill me, I added smoothly: "Why can't you love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either as I heard an electric toothbrush whirring in the bathroom on my way to fetch fresh a sock from the bedroom.
Story © 2005 How Tenji. Picture and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 050106