The Penis Paragraphs
I, Mr P Nis, hereby request a rise in salary for the following reasons: I do exhausting, hands-on physical labour. I work at great depths and plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or holidays off. I work in a damp, ill-lit environment with poor ventilation at very high temperatures. My work constantly exposes me to contagious diseases.
Yours sincerely, P. Nis esq.,
Dear Mr P Nis,
After careful assessment of your request and consideration of the rather limp arguments you have used to justify your case, management regrets to inform you that your request for a rise has been rejected. We feel that although some of your arguments are valid, extenuating circumstances hinder management from giving you any more rises than you routinely receive, for the following reasons:
You rarely, if ever work a complete eight hour shift, and when you do you’re either under the influence of drugs or demanding to work during non business hours—such as the middle of the night after you wake up to go to the bathroom. You fall asleep after the briefest of work periods and have been observed nodding off on numerous occasions before the end of your shift, thereby forcing management to complete the task in hand. Furthermore, you do not always follow orders. You refuse to remain in your designated work area and are often seen loitering around dark, dank places of ill repute. Just two nights ago you were seen attempting to gain unlawful entry to the company’s back door in the hopes of doing God only knows what, despite the fact that you have been told time and time again that the rear entrance is only used for putting out the trash. Underhand attempts such as these to drop your load in restricted areas are futile and waste valuable company time you should be spending elsewhere.
You do not take the initiative. You need to be constantly pressured and stimulated in order to begin work. When you do eventually finish a job—on those rare occasions you do not bugger off early before management is completely satisfied—you have the unpleasant habit of leaving your workplace rather messy, forcing us to either suffer an unclean environment or clean it up ourselves. Once you leave for the day, we don’t see you again until the next morning, usually before the office has even opened. This commendable ambition is appreciated and many in the company consider you a real go getter when the mood takes you, but unfortunately your spunk is often misdirected or fails to attain its goal at all.
You don’t always observe safe working practices, such as wearing protective clothing, as required by company regulations. Ignoring such rules leaves management wide open to a range of hazardous conditions, including many that could result in unpleasant discharges of toxic waste into the environment or even halt production altogether.
Your unpredictable temperament, coupled with your regrettable reliance on performance enhancing drugs means that your output is hopelessly unreliable at best and completely fails to meet management targets at worst. If that were not enough, many in management have long suspected you of terroristical activities, as you are constantly seen entering the premises carrying two suspicious looking bags.
However, management is prepared to overlook these shortcomings and demonstrate our appreciation of your employment. In short, Mr P Nis, we are willing to supply you with a few additional strokes of encouragement in lieu of a rise. We firmly believe that such positive reinforcement will lead to better and long lasting performance with no need for further encouragement.
Yours sincerely, The Management
From Mike Hunt.
As the legal representative for Mr. P. Nis I am appalled at your unacceptable response. Mr. P Nis has an exemplary record of discharging the duties assigned to him. Far from being the idle clock watcher you infer, he is extraordinarily flexible in delivering his loads on time and often before they are even requested.
He has, in fact, never been asked to work an entire eight hours, but would gladly do so if the task was worthy of such effort. Unfortunately, my client reports this is unlikely under the present management. Mr P Nis is not alone in working in short, intense bursts and then hanging around the workplace. Hanging around is not the same as falling asleep on the job. On those very rare occasions when he has been asked to repeat a job at short notice, P Nis has never failed to rise to the challenge.
The charge that he is using performance-enhancing drugs at work will be addressed in a more direct manner later, but I can assure you that the medication he is under, usually Vitamin V, has in fact been prescribed by his physician to clear up the unfortunate rash on his head.
Your failure to recognise the value of visiting other locations whilst at work is most regrettable and clearly demonstrates you have no understanding of the part research plays in the discharge of Mr P Nis' duties. While Mr P Nis may occasionally stray onto the premises of your competition, he does so only to learn how others perform their tasks in order to improve his own skills.
Mr P Nis vividly recalls the recent back door incident, but maintains that he only attempted to make a rear delivery because a large load was blocking your front door at the time. He has asked me to inform you that your rear entrance was not only excessively narrow, but will require copious lubrication to permit the passage of the very wide loads he is accustomed to handle. Fortunately for you, the overall cleanliness and aesthetics of your back door are not conducive to frequent deliveries of such size.
Not always following orders is known as initiative, which is quite important in this occupational field. My impression of Mr P Nis is that he often takes control of the entire unit, acting in ways well beyond the imagination of management. Granted, he sometimes exercises this control against management's wishes, but it is the very unpredictability you rail against that is Mr P Nis' greatest asset.
My client is experienced enough to know when a job is finished. He also knows when management is being unreasonable. He knows this from previous employment and from his occasional visits to other, similar facilities. I contend that he is acting responsibly by withdrawing his labour if the job is taking too long as the tools he employs can easily wear out if they are exposed to the hazardous conditions of the shop floor for too long.
Please do not complain about the mess. It is in my client's job description to deposit materials in the receptacles designated by management. After deposition, the material becomes the responsibility of the receiving unit. It is hardly his fault if all the available receptacles are full, leaving him no alternative but to dump his load wherever he can find room.
Your accusation that my client is not complying with health and safety regulations by wearing protective clothing simply doesn't stand up to scrutiny. Mr P Nis was forced to remove his plastic safety boots because management has consistently failed to address his complaints about the difficulty in remaining in his work place due to the slippery condition of the floor.
Your derisory offer of a few pats on the head in lieu of granting Mr P Nis a rise is as insulting as it is regrettable. Given his outstanding performance record one would think copious kisses would be in order. Instead, we are seriously considering legal action. Working conditions in your facility have become appalling, even unsanitary, and the aesthetics are not conducive to successfully discharging my client's onerous duties. He reports that recently there are foul discharges from both doors, and that he has developed an irritating discharge himself. What's more, the unfortunate rash on his head has also inexplicably worsened.
Our demands, therefore, are as follows:
Yours sincerely, Mike Hunt
Dear Mr Hunt,
We were most disappointed to learn that your client, Mr P Nis, rather than humbly accepting our offer, has threatened to take legal action if his demands are not met.
Your letter claims that Mr Nis could work an entire eight hour shift if requested to so, but that such a request has never been made. Management disagrees on both counts. What your client defines as work is actually only a very small part of his job. As his job description clearly states, Mr. P Nis’ job is to make deposits, both his and the company’s, in a timely and satisfactory manner. Doing so requires such deposits to be fully packaged and prepared for delivery, a process* that may take several hours and involves meticulous attention to detail. Rarely does Mr Nis fail to deposit his own load but it’s the company’s load that is frequently overlooked.
*Note. This step in the process absolutely cannot be skipped and is commonly overlooked, particularly by workers with large packages. You client would do well to take a tip from some of his co-workers whose packages are smaller than average. Sometimes working by candlelight assists in these matters, as well as making thoughtful gestures around the shop, such as lowering the toilet seat or offering to prune the shrubbery around the main entrance. Acts such as these can help create a more pleasant working environment and improve communication, resulting in greater productivity and customer satisfaction.
Any freelance work that your client may or may not undertake is in strict conflict with his contract with our company. The admission of any sort of moonlighting would result in Mr P Nis' immediate dismissal on the grounds of disloyalty. Please instruct your client that if he wishes to change companies, he is more than free to do so, but only after he has worked out his two week period of notice. Your client's commendable eagerness to bend over backwards for management suggests that he might find a better outlet for his skills in a fudge packing company.
You might also advise Mr P Nis that thinking is not a prerequisite for his job. In fact, if he was paid to think he would be part of the management team. Instead, your client has gone out of his way to completely ignore the one person who is in a position to gauge his real performance—Ms Clit Toris. Ms Toris is a vital part of this organisation whose avoidance by your client has seriously compromised the company's productivity. Mr Nis may claim that he can never find Ms Toris, but rest assured, she is well aware of him and his neglect of her feelings has not gone unnoticed.
If Mr Nis were paid to think, he would know that his experience and advanced age only diminish his value as a worker. A younger, more upstanding employee with less experience, who is able to handle Ms Clit Toris could do double the work in half the time. Mr Nis needs to be reminded that he is not irreplaceable. In fact, management have had to employ a substitute to complete several jobs he was unable to finish in less time, at a much lower cost—the mere price of two AA batteries. For what this ‘fill in’ lacks in personality, he more than makes up for in reliability. Nor does he require medical assistance to rise to the challenges presented to him, never goes on holiday and leaves no mess behind him—or in front.
Your client’s allegations of substandard working conditions are completely unfounded. The foul discharges you speak of only occurred when Mr P Nis mistakenly tried to deposit his load in the back door instead of the front. To add insult to injury, he then proceeded to the front door anyway, thereby contaminating the environment with a contagious infection which shut down the entire facility for several weeks, during which time your client selfishly collected unemployment benefit whilst the company’s stock plummeted.
Consequently, management are not willing to meet any of your demands at this time. Our position in regard to your client's complaints is as follows:
1) Management is required by contract to only cover half the cost of protective equipment. Any further costs fall on the head of the employee.
2) The company is not open all hours. We close our doors at regular business hours and not a minute later. (Rare exceptions are when your client offers chocolate or flowers).
3) We will clean up the mess your client complains of when he starts putting the lid down on the company toilet.
4) A raise at this juncture would be, like your client; premature and ineffective.
Yours sincerely, The Management
From Mike Hunt.
We find your demands ludicrous. You keep complaining about longevity and yet refuse to offer my client overtime or even alternate work hours. Don't complain about how long Mr P Nis works when you won't provide the proper rate for the job. Your request for candlelight violates your own safe working practices, as open flames are a health hazard, especially around the narrow and dirty rear entrance to your facility.
Since management provides no urinal and sitting down on the job is forbidden by your own regulations we insist the toilet lid remain up. In the spirit of compromise, you should begin to appreciate wet, yellow toilet seats.
We seriously doubt the existence of the person you call 'Ms Clit Toris'. Our client has repeatedly assured us that despite the most diligent and exhaustive search he has not been able to lay his hands on her. Unless she is the hooded dwarf his co-workers claim to have encountered when polishing up your door knocker. Frankly, if you expect Mr P Nis to work with this person, you should have chosen someone who doesn't spend all their time crouched in the basement, trembling like a frightened midget.
We find your reference to robotic substitute workers asinine. Hiring mechanized workers violates my client's contract, even if they are able to work longer hours at greater depths without tiring.
Your assertion that Mr P Nis caused an epidemic within your facility is ludicrous. Whatever infections arose are the sole responsibility of management. Mr Nis did not, as alleged, draw unemployment benefit during the time your facility was closed. He moonlighted at a fudge packing plant until your crisis was over. Thank you for that tip by the way.
Since we have provided full rebuttals to all your previous arguments, I will not repeat them. Of course management must pay for all protective equipment because management requires it. It should be noted that during Mr P Nis' moonlighting to several firms, as well as several that were not so firm, you have insisted on protective equipment, despite the fact that he was in no position to make any deliveries to either of your entrances at these times.
Your insistence that my client should work your normal business hours is patently absurd given that your facility is closed for several days every month. When Mr P Nis has attempted to make deliveries during these periods he has been summarily rebuffed. On the one occasion he did manage to make a forcible entry, he emerged covered from head to bag in a disgusting substance it took him several days to wash off. If you are not open for business 24/7, Mr P Nis has no other choice but to moonlight in order to provide for his loving wife and family.
We therefore still demand the rise, and not of toilet seats. We're already covered the toilet seat issue and don't intend to revisit it.
Yours sincerely, Mike Hunt
Dear Mr Hunt,
We regret to inform you that as of this morning, your client's employment with our company has been terminated on the grounds of disloyalty, gross negligence, burglary, and utter disregard for his employer, worsened by the aspersions he has cast upon the good character of Ms Clit Toris and the disrespectful tone of your entire correspondence.
We usually take this opportunity to wish those who were once a valuable part of the company a profitable and happy future, but since Mr P Nis never was and we don’t, we would like to tender our very sincere condolences to his future employers.
Your useless client will be replaced by the employee you so inelegantly referred to as a 'robotic substitute' although he prefers the term ‘battery operated attendant.’ It is our firm belief that he will get the job done for the time being—at least until we find a new employee, preferably one who is better equipped to satisfy the company's needs than your client.
Yours sincerely, The Management
From Mike Hunt.
Dear Management,You will soon be receiving a writ as my client has filed for unemployment benefits as well as disability compensation. Disloyalty and disregard for ones' employer are not legal grounds for dismissal.
Unemployment benefits are therefore warranted, as Mr. P. Nis is incapable of extended periods of unemployment. The disability compensation is due to the skin condition and irritating discharge he contracted while in your employ, which will severely restrict his opportunities for future employment.
We are not surprised at your increasing dependence on robotics. We have it on good authority that you often outsourced Mr P Nis' duties to third world countries and non-union contractors, undoubtedly giving you unsatisfactory results, just as you will certainly experience with your mechanical substitutes, which are all made in China. Mr P Nis recalls that during a brief labour strike your facility was quickly overrun with scabs. Rest assured that my client would never list you as a reference, and will adamantly deny ever having been in your employ. Working in the vicinity of that unkempt, odoriferous storage area you call your back door would not look good on Mr P. Nis' employment record!
Yours sincerely, Mike Hunt
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Story © Jennifer Gardner & Don Pitts 2005. Picture & construction © utterpants.co.uk
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