Funny Stories
Bad Girls Toys Bad Girls Toys

By our woman who knows the importance of DIY,
Jennifer Gardner
Our sextoy tester discovers a novel use for a Craftsman screwdriver that leaves her wide-eyed and legless

Dear Craftsman,

It is with great satisfaction and some soreness that I sit down and write this letter. I’m pleased to inform you that the durability and efficiency of your screwdrivers, together with their ergonomic comfort ball design, has resulted in possibly the most amazing experience I’ve ever had with any of my boyfriend’s tools. However, the experience was not without its drawbacks, as will become clearer later.

Whilst checking my email last Thursday, I came across a most unusual letter from an Internet company promising to increase the size of my penis. Since I currently lack a penis, I thought to myself, “That will be a feat, indeed,” and innocently clicked the link, curious to discover how one could enlarge something that isn’t there. To tell the truth, I was also looking for some pictures, because the only penis I’ve ever seen belongs to my boyfriend and he only lets me see it late at night, under the covers with the lights off. I’m not quite sure why, but I suspect it's because it curves a bit to one side Although my girlfriends have told me that slight curvature is normal, I think his more nearly resembles a banana—or possibly the letter J.

You’re probably wondering what the shape of my boyfriend’s penis has to do with Craftsman tools, and possibly whether I used one of your products to straighten out his misaligned anatomy. Sadly, the answer to that question is 'no', but I would be interested to know if any of your tools could assist in that direction.

Well, I found what I was looking for on the website about penile enlargement. In fact, I bit off more than I could chew—or even swallow—so to speak. There must’ve been a dozen pictures, each one displaying a different style of penis; some long, some short; some fat, some skinny; some black, some white. It wasn’t long before these pictures started having a physiological effect on me, a fact brought to my attention by the warm and wet sensation gathering between my legs. I didn’t expect to be aroused so quickly, but, as the creator of Barbie observed in 1959, a young woman is really nothing more than a biological support mechanism for enormously large breasts—or in my case, moderately large breasts and over-active hormones.

So I sought to manually release the tension surging through my engorged vagina with whatever instruments I had to hand. I ransacked the house for anything long and tubular, but aside from some tapered candles which I feared might be a little fragile for my muscular thighs, I found nothing. I was about to resort to a woman’s best friend—the showerhead, when I spotted my boyfriend’s toolbox in the corner. It just so happened that my boyfriend was doing some remodeling and his box was full of Craftsman tools, all guaranteed to give complete satisfaction, just as your website claims. I grabbed the longest screwdriver I could find and well—I won't dwell on the details—except to say it left me totally satisfied as a woman, again and again and again. God, how I love that screwdriver!

In particular, I found that the comfort ball design of your Craftsman 3/8 x 12 inch screwdriver (Sears item #00941588000), resulted in the best orgasm I’ve ever had without another person. And the second and third ones weren’t bad either. The precision-machined chrome vanadium steel blade allowed for just enough grip to slide the instrument in and out, at first in a slow and steady rhythm that soon quickened to a crescendo of short, fast movements. The grooves machined into the handle also enhanced my enjoyment and had the added benefit of allowing the copious lubrication my body was producing to drain away. I had what I estimate was at least 30 minutes of hip-rocking pleasure at the handle of the Craftsman 3/8 x 12 inch screwdriver, which, I was reassured to discover, is guaranteed for life.

After my third shattering Craftsman experience, I slumped back in my chair, shaking like a leaf and let out a long sigh of relief. But as I leaned back, the seat of the chair popped off the base, and I landed on a brass doorknob my boyfriend had carelessly left on the floor in the most violating way, making me cry out even louder than I had at the handle of your fabulous screwdriver. A bit embarrassed, I picked myself up and (slowly) examined the chair. Upon closer inspection, I found that it had collapsed because a screw had come loose, probably due to my previous exertions. Well wouldn’t you know it, I had to use the screwdriver once again, this time gripping the other end which was understandably slippery until I towelled it dry with one of my boyfriend’s tee shirts. I was even more impressed with your product when I found that not only could it send me to the moon and back several times, but it could also be used to repair the chair I had so carelessly broken.

Thank you, Craftsman, again and again. Your products are not only an inspiration to the entire tool making trade but also to hormone overloaded women the world over. Since my extraordinary experience with your product, I’ve expressed an interest in purchasing tools of my own and my boyfriend has promised to buy me the Craftsman DeLuxe five-piece Grip-N-Drive Reversible Screwdriver Set for my birthday next month. With these wonderful tools in my hands—or between my shaking thighs—Craftsman will guarantee my satisfaction every day of the week for many years to come and come and come...

Very Sincerely,
Jennifer Gardner

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Story © 2005 Jennifer Gardner. Design and construction © 2005 / 251005
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From scathingly witty parodies of the literature of the last century like The Evils of Coffee and How to detect Self Abuse in Young Girls, through stories about Wrapping presents with a Cat, Performance Art and the Perils of Public Toilets, to advice on how not to save your marriage and the dangers of Threesomes, Funny Stories contains some of the very best writing Utterpants has to offer.

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Can there be a funnier title than If my Pussy smells like Tuna, why doesn't my Cat eat me out? We don't think so, nor have we read a better satire on the differences between men and women than The Penis Paragraphs - jointly written by Don Pitts and Jennifer Gardner.

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