The tragic attacks of 11 September 2001 and 7 July 2005 have forever changed the way Great Britain is viewed by our European neighbours. Only the other day the new Kraut chancellor said to me, 'Tony, don't forget to tell us when you find those weapons of mass destruction because we Germans are fed up with American tourists digging tunnels under the Reichstag in Berlin.' Sarky cow! Now that we are importing proper beer from my good chum George Bush, I told the commie-loving lesbian where she could shove her bloody Becks! The same goes for those revolting Frogs. I mean, who needs French wine and cheese? I know Cherie and I don't since we started drinking Dr Pepper and eating Pringles. Anyway, Charles Clarke Blindgit II assures me that bona fide travellers will still be able to visit our European neigbours provided they've forked out £756.99 for one of the new National Identity Cards and haven't attended a mosque in the previous four years.

Like a person who wakes up one morning with a mysterious damp stain under their bottom, our society is beginning to wake up to the massive threat of mass destruction hanging over us—if not lurking in Tube trains disguised as innocent Brazilian electricians, poised to unleash a wave of terrorist outrages against us at the drop of an insulated screwdriver. My Government took decisive action earlier this year by producing a booklet which spells out what we as individuals, communities, and constituency agents can do to secure my future as your Führer for Life—er, elected Prime Minister.

The booklet: Preparing for Emergencies, was delivered to every home in the country, except in Southall and other Moslem enclaves, where our brave Police force delivered a more direct message to those deluded citzens who imagine that criticizing me is the way to win the War on Terror. Well, it isn't, as that treasonous Kraut found out at the Labour Party conference. Within this invaluable guide, produced at great expense by a highly trained committee of US security advisors, you will find clear instructions on what to do in the event of an unexpected terrorist incident or emergency arising at home or at your local Labour Party office.

We have put sophisticated measures in place to protect Government property and minimise the risk of ministerial casualties in the event of an emergency occurring. I urge every citizen of this country to co-operate fully with the Police, emergency services and any American blokes in dark suits with suspicious bulges under their right armpits who may ask you to vacate your home, hand over your bank account details, or ask your wife to strip to her panties. Some of these new measures will already be familiar to you, such as the new 'smart' identity cards being introduced next year, electronic tagging of French and German tourists, and arrest without trial for all Moslems out after eight-o-clock at night without a Labour Party membership card. Others, like the surveillance cameras we have installed in selected homes throughout Bradford and the appointment of John Prescott as Director-General of the BBC, will be a welcome relief to all of you. I am also delighted to announce that Lord Hutton, who did such a splendid job investigating the death of that unfortunate doctor chappie who impaled himself on a bread knife while rambling rather recklessly in the nude, will head up my new Home Affairs Complaints Authority. This should reassure anyone who has recently lost a loved one under suspicious circumstances or been detained without trial for being in possession of a luxuriant beard and wearing a striped tea towel on their head. Those of you who are planning a holiday in the sun this year will be enormously comforted by the stringent steps we are taking to protect you. The Home Secretary has given me his personal assurance that the new security barriers and interrogation suites being erected at all UK airports will add no more than a few days to the average holidaymaker's flight delay.

Cover up, ring up and shut up are phrases that you will be hearing a lot in the coming years. Those of you who took the time to read PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES will be able to help others in an emergency and may very well save the life of someone who would not otherwise be able to vote for me at the next election. Those who do not prepare for emergencies are more likely to be mistaken for terrorists during a crisis and may well find themselves naked in wood late at night with electrodes attached to their groin. PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES is just like wearing stout cotton underpants in an Indian restaurant. It is a prudent and reasonable course of action given the risks the Labour Party faces at this time. Just as not wearing strong underpants is considered reckless, so too is not preparing for unknown emergencies. A lack of preparedness leads to fear and a greater likelihood of spending a few months in Belmarsh Appraisal Centre before we sling you out of the country. Failing to follow your Government's advice will weaken our national resolve and may lead to unnecessary loss of life and property, and quite possibly lose us the next general election. One last point; some patriotic citizens have pledged their talents—or more specifically, huge wodges of untraceable cash—to helping me prepare for future emergencies. Those of you who have not yet given are strongly urged to do so, as a failure to support me in this tangible way may be seen as an act of terrorist sympathy.

The possibility of a biological attack against the British population is the greatest threat this country currently faces. The reason is simple: a well executed terrorist attack could kill hundreds of key civil servants, American security advisors and leading members of the Labour Party. Biological terrorism could also be aimed at our food industry, such as infecting a particular crop, like maize, with genetically modified strains, or our livestock with foot and mouth disease, or perish the thought, even introducing Salmonella into your breakfast eggs. In following the advice contained in PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES you will be doing your bit for Britain and helping my mate George Bush to make the world safe for us all.