you see your own GP...Miss—?"
Portia Prettyman crossed her long legs and avoided the woman's eye.
"I —I didn't like to, Doctor. He's known me since I was a little
"Don't you think you should at least tell your boyfriend?"
"Er.. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment."
"Well, you didn't get that rash from wearing woolen underwear,
Portia blushed and shook her head.
"It's not the rash that bothers me, Doctor... I've had them before.
It's the nymphomania."
The woman regarded Portia pityingly. "Nymphomania is no longer
recognised by any medical practitioner, Miss Smith. In fact, nymphomania
is not a disease at all, since a very high female sex drive is perfectly
"B-But this can't be normal, Doctor. I'm doing it a dozen times
a day. Even when I come I want to come again ten minutes later. When
I do come I can't stop coming. I had two orgasms in the car on the way
over here just thinking about him. Oh God..ah, ah, ah, ohhhh"
Portia writhed in her chair and slid onto the floor clutching at her
"So, Ms, er...Smith. How long have you had this rash?"
"About three weeks Doctor," Lady Charlotte Mountjoy smoothed
down her Calvin Klein skirt and crossed her beautifully tanned legs.
"And when did the uncontrollable urges start?"
"About three weeks ago, doctor."
"May I ask how long you have been sexually active?"
"About three weeks, doctor."
"Well it's quite normal for someone who's just started having regular
sex to feel this way about their partner, though the rash isn't."
"B-but I can't get enough of it."
"That's quite normal at seventeen, Ms Smith."
"Ten times a day?"
"Well — perhaps that's a little excessive.."
Charley lowered her eyes and whispered: "I think it's this funny
brown stuff that makes me so hot."
"His — stuff, you know, his, er—"
Charley blushed to the roots of her pretty brown hair and coughed. "Yes,
"That's most unlikely, Ms Smith. The constitution of male semen
is well documented. I think you'll find it doesn't have any intoxicating
or aphrodisiacal properties no matter how much of it you swallow."
"So what's making we want sex all the time?"
"I have no idea until I get the tests back from the lab.
"How long will that take?"
"About three weeks."
Charley's jar dropped. "I can't wait three weeks! I need help NOW!
I only have to think about him and I go all gooey inside. She slumped
back in the chair, her eyes glazed over and a long moan escaped her
"Ms Smith? Are you all right?"
Oh God..ah, ah, ah, ohhhh"
Charley convulsed and fell face forward onto the desk.
"Well?" demanded Romola, scratching her crotch, "What
did your friend say?"
Sophie Mountjoy sank down onto the sofa and read from the report in her hand:
"It's a sugar-based molecule with powerful narcotic and aphrodisiac
qualities not unlike alcohol in it's action but infinitely stronger
and more complex."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"That Charley was right. It's his cum that's making us all so horny."
"Don't tell me we've all been over-dosing on alien viagra!"
"Look's like it, darling."
"And the rash?"
"Simple skin reaction to the chemicals in his cum. Mark said it
should clear up in a day or two by itself."
"What about the spontaneous orgasms? I had three at work this morning.
I had to tell my boss it was a bad stomach ache but I don't think he
believed me. Then I had another in the car coming home and nearly hit
some old guy on a push bike."
"That's because you shagged Yyerg this morning. Mark says the chemicals
take twelve hours to clear from your system."
"How the hell did you get all this out of him?"
"Mark's an old boyfriend — remember? I knew fucking a microbiologist
would come in useful one day."
"Wasn't he the teeniest bit curious about where the sample came
"Until I took his mind off it."
"Twice. Once in his office and again when he came round with the
"This stuff is dynamite, Soph! Forget viagra, men'll kill to get
their hands on this. All we have to so is find a way to mass produce
The Honourable Lady Sophie Mountjoy leant back against the sofa and
broke into peals of hysterical laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"Your face, Romola! I haven't told you the bad news."
"I thought the rash and the spontaneous orgasms WERE the bad news?"
"They're just the side effects."
"So what is?"
"It only works on women."
"Shit! Still, that's half the population — we'll still be rich
"No we won't."
"Mark fed massive doses of the stuff to some mice in three separate
"The females shagged the males senseless."
Sophie stopped laughing. Her face was suddenly ashen and her voice cold:
"The females died."
Romola's hand flew to her mouth. "WHAT?!"
"They all died within a week."