thing off!" snapped Gerald.
"That disgusting dildo!"
"At least it doesn't suffer from premature ejaculation" retorted
"Will you turn it off—"
"—LOOK, you dipstick!"
"Wha — Where?"
"The alien. I think he's scared of my vibrator."
Gerald turned. What he saw was a hideously ugly creature about 5 feet
tall with four - or it might have been three arms, or four arms and
three legs, crouching in the grass and shaking from head to bottom.
If that was a head or a bottom. Alien anatomy had never been a big topic
of conversation at the meetings of the Purley Rotary Club. For all Gerald
knew it was perfectly normal to have three eyes and what looked two
shiny green bottoms. Whatever it was, it was clearly scared shitless
of Romola's vibrator. He relaxed and silently blessed the proprietor
of the Purley Adult Shop.
What the alien saw was a hideously ugly creature about 23 zlatis high
with two - or it might have been four arms, one of which was pointing
a Klaxasian disrupter straight at his bottom. He had no idea what the
two hemispherical things protruding from it's middle were. Alien anatomy
had never been on his training course. For all he knew it was perfectly
normal to have two eyes and a very shiny black bottom with something
white tucked into it . Whatever it was, it was armed with one of the
deadliest weapons in the galaxy. Yyerg shivered and cursed the idiot
who'd forgotten to stow any disrupters on the ship.
"Try turning it up," said Gerald.
Yyerg broke wind noisily and began walking slowly towards them.
"Is that a weapon?" asked Romola, turning the vibrator to
maximum. "Or is he just frightened?"
"Probably both." said Gerald as the alien farted again.
"What shall I do?"
"Try turning it off."
"We'll be defenseless!"
"Get a grip, Romola! We're alone in the middle of a wood with a
bloody great flying saucer and a flatulent alien and you think a battery-powered
dildo is going to protect us?"
Romola frowned and lowered the vibrator.
Yyerg stepped out of his space suit and began to fiddle with the control
panel of a small gray box attached to one of his tentacles. What sounded
like the voice of a BBC radio announcer played backwards emerged from
a small orifice below his three eyes. Romola realized with a start that
what she'd thought were the creature's two bottoms was really a space
suit. His 'head' was actually quite human-looking in a greenish sort
of way except for the eye at the back. Without the extra pair of legs,
or arms, or whatever they were above his waist, he might almost pass
for normal. Except for the fact that he appeared to be hung like a donkey.
The alien wobbled the impressive bulge between it's legs and said:
"greyy si eman ym."
"Hello," said Romola. "Welcome to Purley."
"Sounds like a recording of a BBC radio announcer played backwards,
to me." said Gerald.
"It IS a recording of a BBC radio announcer played backwards," said Romola. "He just said 'My name is Yyerg."
"How the devil do you know that?"
"I worked as a sound editor for BBC radio Purley for two years,
The alien fiddled with his control panel.
"Hello, RO-MO-LAH. Yyerg surrender. Please decaffeinate your disrupter."
"I think he's mostly harmless," said Romola, switching off
her vibrator and putting it in her handbag.
"He?" asked Gerald.
"With a lunchbox that big he's hardly likely to be a girl, is he?"
"Oh — you saw that, did you. It might be his stomach."
"Between his legs?"
"Perhaps they're part of it's space suit."
"I don't think so," said Romola, cautiously stroking the alien.
The bulge promptly divided into two, expanded several inches and began
to wave about excitedly "There — I think you'll find that's a stiffy,
"Argghh!" said Yyerg, "Earth girl abduct Yyerg for sex?"
"We're not abducting you," said Gerald.
"Yyerg been abducted eight times," said the alien.
"Snap," said Romola. "My friend claims she was abducted,
but I don't believe her. I think she made it up when the manager of
Tesco's asked her what her knickers were doing hanging from a coat hook
in the baby changing room."
"Could we skip Portia's sexual adventures?" asked Gerald.
"OK," said Romola, "But we can't leave him here."
"Are you seriously suggesting we take it home with us?"
"Him," corrected Romola.
"We haven't clearly established that —"
"— Oh, I think we have, Gerald."
"Isn't a green alien with eight legs going to look a bit conspicuous
wandering around Purley?"
"Two legs and four arms," repeated Yyerg, "and my—"
"—Can we just get out of here!" Gerald interrupted.
"And leave him where?" asked Romola.
"He's got a space ship, hasn't he? Tell him to climb back in and
fly the hell back to wherever he came from!"
"Ship fucked," said the alien dejectedly.
"Which is more than I've been," muttered Romola.
"Don't start that again!" snapped Gerald.
"Put this on," said Romola, handing the alien Gerald's sports
jacket. "And let's get back to my car before plod arrives to investigate
"Plod?" repeated the alien.
"POLICE. The Law. Nosey wankers in blue pointy hats—"
"Ah — police! We have police on home world. Police worse than aliens.
Always putting nose in private parts. That why I escape."
"Escape?" asked Gerald "To Earth?"
"No, to Delta system many million zlati from here."
"Then how did you..."
"Map fucked. Took wrong turn at wormhole. Miscalculated planetary
"Much like Gerald, then," muttered Romola.
"Will you stop saying that!"
Romola ignored him and put her arm around the alien. "So, you're
stranded here then, Yyerg?"
"Yess. Spatial inverter fucked. Ship fucked — Yyerg abducted by
Earth girl." Tears welled in his big yellow eyes.
"For the LAST time!" shouted Gerald. "We're NOT abducting
"Oh yes we are," said Romola, and led the alien toward a silver
BMW which was parked on the edge of the wood. Yyerg couldn't take his
eyes off her black lace knickers. He felt himself growing weak at the
tentacles and shuddered. "She really is quite pretty in a strange
sort of way..." he said to himself, "And very strong. She could
do anything she liked to me and I wouldn't be able to stop her..."
Romola sighed deeply and unlocked the car. "He really is quite
good-looking in a strange sort of way..." she said to herself, "..and
very well endowed. I could do anything I liked to him and he wouldn't
be able to stop me..."
Yyerg fiddled with his control pad and pushed a red button. "You're
going to use me for meaningless sex, aren't you?" he said, tearfully.
"Why have your vocabulary and grammar suddenly improved?"
"I finally found the right library for your language in the tranlinguliser,"
"Oh, I wondered what that was."
"You will use me for meaningless sex?"
"What's wrong with meaningless sex?"
"It's shallow and selfish."
"So's Gerald, but he seems to thrive on it."
"Will you please get into the car!" shouted Gerald.
Romola bundled Yyerg onto the back seat. "Cover yourself with the
blanket and don't make a sound!"
"Haven't you forgotten something?" said Gerald
"I don't think so..." said Romola, sliding behind the wheel.
"His bloody ship! Don't you think someone might notice a 60 foot
flying saucer parked out here?"
"Wait a moment," said Yyerg, "I'll see if the cloaking
field still works." With that he leant out of the car and flicked
a switch on his control pad. The ship wobbled and disappeared. Romola
felt an unaccustomed draught around her bottom as Gerald got in beside
her but didn't have time to investigate it. She slipped the clutch and
floored the accelerator.
Unfortunately so did the driver of a yellow and blue police car.
"Damn!" said Gerald.
"Shit!" said Romola.
"Varz d'argh b'gulakh!" said a voice from the back of the